7 Subtle Ways To Ask For What You Want

Pick your battles

We all know what we need, mostly. But asking for it is not always easy. At least not for many of us.

Depending on where and how one grew up, most people have internalized beliefs and attitudes regarding asking for anything.

Some believe they have to make demands, with a raised voice and clenched fists — otherwise, no one will listen.

Others believe in using indirect methods. They play emotional games that pull on heartstrings and force others to give in to their requests.

Both of these methods work, but not for the longer term. Many broken relationships, business or personal, can trace their cracks to one of these two ways of asking and getting.

But some people know how to ask without resorting to aggression or playing emotional games. Such people get what they want and leave everyone satisfied.

Fortunately, we can learn anything. And that includes how to ask, receive, and build healthy relationships along the way.

I am not talking about high-stakes tussles — like hostage negotiations or boardroom fights — but the day-to-day interactions with colleagues, family members, friends, or strangers.

We all need the skills to communicate our needs at the minuscule level. The level at which the majority of us negotiate.

There are several subtle but healthy ways to go about it.

Pick your battles

We are worthy. But that does not mean we have to get everything we want, at once and in the way we want it.

If you want three things from someone, choose the most pressing. Ask for that one and ignore the rest, for now. You want your partner to help with the house chores and sort out a host of other problems? Ask them to help with one first — and be specific which one.

Picking your battles means to take a long haul approach. It is not reasonable to overwhelm someone with too many demands. When you ask for too much at once, they may agree — to keep the peace — but they will be resentful. Their commitment to the task will not last.

Have a positive attitude

A negative attitude puts people on edge.

If you approach your boss to ask for a raise, and instead of communicating firmly and respectively, you start with complaints about how you are overworked and under-appreciated, you are unlikely to get the raise. Your boss might mark you as potentially troublesome. Even if your issues are legit, a negative attitude will do you in.

Ever wondered why some people seem to get what they ask for while others remain to grumble in the gutter? Watch the former’s attitude. Most are grateful, cooperative, assertive, respectful, and adapt to change.

We also tend to attract people who reinforce our attitudes. And this increases or reduces the chances of getting what we want.

Give

Ask with open hands. If you want to receive, be ready to give. The world is abundant, but there is nothing for free — and that is not a contradiction.

We all have something to give.

Someone who is always asking for favours, but will not lift a finger to help, soon turns into a burden too heavy to carry.

Be patient

Toddlers and entitled people ask for what they want and right now.

The age and developmental stage of a toddler allow them to act that way and get away with it. But an adult who lacks emotional maturity is unpleasant to be around.

Ask and be patient. Chances of you getting what you ask for are higher when you are patient.

Offer something

Do you have anything you can offer in return for what you are asking? Say you want someone to teach you a skill, and it will take a couple of hours a week for them to do so — can you offer them anything?

You can run errands or do some work for them. Someone will be more receptive to your request when they see you willing to offer to do something for them in return. Most people like to help, but they dislike feeling used.

Listen

Finally, listen. Take time to listen to others, especially those around you. We tend to take those closest to us for granted and assume we know them well. But unless we have taken time to listen to them, there is a lot we could be missing.

Listening gives you insight into another person’s world. You get to know their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick, their values, what frustrates them, and so on.

When you listen, you will instinctively know what to request, from whom, in what way and at what time. And the chances of getting a wholehearted yes increase. You will not make random requests when you know what is likely to make someone uncomfortable.

Compromise

We compromise out of consideration for others. The willingness to let others have their way helps to maintain a balance of fairness and harmony in relationships. And this is more important than getting what you want, all the time, at the expense of other people.

For example, choosing to go along with your friend’s choice of restaurant — even if it is not your favourite. The next time you get to decide where to meet or eat.

Caveat — healthy compromise does not require one to go against their values or who they are. Nor does it require one person to give in all the time.

To sum up

We are happier when we have our needs met. But asking for what we want and need requires a set of subtle interpersonal skills such as the ability to ;

• Pick your battles
• Have a positive attitude
• Give
• Be patient
• Offer something
• Listen
• Compromise