7 Simple Questions to Help You Break Free From Decision Purgatory
So you can finally make the damn decision, baby!
The entire month of August I barely slept. I would mosey around all day like a zombie. Jittery from anxiety and sluggish from sleep deprivation.
I would crave the moment my head could finally crash onto my pillow. But when the time came to cozy up under my amazing Costco comforter, a bolt of energy would shoot through me. I’d soon be staring at my ceiling for hours.
My boyfriend and I were contemplating a cross-country move from Los Angeles to his hometown of Virginia Beach. I had lived in LA for over a decade. I knew nothing else. I had only lived in my parents’ house, and this city I assumed would always be my home.
The second we made the decision to move, a wave of relief washed over me.
Even though I had no idea what my life would look like a month from now… I knew it would be in Virginia beach. A city I had been to once and knew nobody.
I was standing on a mountain of ‘unknowns’. But I knew one thing — we decided to move in 30 days. I had spent the previous 30 days wondering what decision we were going to make, and now I could spend the next 30 days planning to execute this decision. Was I still stressed? Hell yeah. But I now was taking action forward, and that felt glorious compared to the decision purgatory I had been in.
Many of the clients I coach have recently been on the precipice of deciding whether to make a big life change. Their decisions have spread across all categories. Making a career shift, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, starting a relationship, buying a pet, taking a year off and surviving off their savings, etc.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to make “the right decision” when in reality — any decision can be the right one. By making a decision you’re stepping into action, which moves you forward and gives you more information to then make another decision.
We make so many decisions out of fear. Or to protect ourselves and keep surviving. The fact we’re even here right now is because our ancestors made a series of safe decisions during very tumultuous, unsafe times.
The headspace where you’re oscillating between options and trying to figure out what to do is decision purgatory. Existing in decision purgatory is stressful, scary, and keeps you stagnant.
There’s a lot of power in deciding.
You’re declaring to yourself and the world you believe in something, and you’re willing to make certain changes to see it through.
Let’s explore a few simple, but effective, questions you can use to face any decision head-on and get you far away from the ever dreadful decision purgatory.
1.) What’s the worst that can happen?
We’re hard wired as humans to focus on our survival. We analyze situations based on their threat level. We want to know that we’ll be safe and are in an environment to not only survive, but hopefully thrive.
Our amygdala is the part of our brain focused on fear processing. It’s our alarm center and plays a role in our behaviors and emotions. As we’re assessing the quality of a decision, and the role it’ll play in our life, we naturally focus on the negative first.
What’s the worst possible scenario that could happen if you make this decision? Will you. die? Probably not. That’s a tremendous relief, right? Making this decision will probably not cause the end of your life.
So besides death, ask yourself, what’s the absolute worst thing that could happen if you make this decision?
For my boyfriend and I, the worst thing that could happen moving across the country was that we would hate it and want to move back.
My boyfriend did the math and it would end up being around a $10,000 dollar mistake to haul our crap across the country twice. However, our rent was ungodly expensive in LA. If we committed to staying in Virginia for at least three months, we could do two cross-country moves and still save money. Let me repeat that… we’d be able to do TWO cross-country moves… there and back… and still save money. As long as we could stick it out for three months.
And LA wasn’t going anywhere. At least to our knowledge. It’s not like we were stuck in making our decision. Would it be a total pain in the ass to move back? Oh, 100%. But it’s doable.
The “worst” case scenario wasn’t bad and actually took an enormous amount of fear out of the decision-making process. The worst-case situation was totally survivable. My reptilian brain that was trying to keep me alive got to chill the F out. We weren’t in any immediate danger, or any danger for that matter.
Ask yourself — what’s the worst possible thing that could happen if you make this decision? You may be pleasantly surprised at how much relief it can bring you.
2.) What’s the best possible outcome?
Ah yes. There’s a positive here! There are possibilities of greatness!
What if you make this decision and the outcome is fricken amazing?! That would be so damn awesome!
That’s actually part of the reason you’re even contemplating making this decision. There’s the possibility of a great outcome. What a great driving force and motivating factor for you to even consider this decision.
If the decision had no upside, it wouldn’t be intriguing to you. It would be quite easy to make. You wouldn’t be entertaining it. The potential outcome wouldn’t outweigh your current circumstances.
So let’s take a pause. Take a breath and give yourself permission for the next few moments to dream…
What’s the best thing that could happen if you made this decision? What would an ideal outcome look like?
Visualize yourself in the future after you’ve made this decision and you’re living your life. How do you feel?
Just as there’s a worst-case scenario, there’s a best-case scenario. Give yourself the opportunity to bask in all the good that could come into your life from this decision.
The best possible outcome is just as much of a possibility.
3.) How would you feel waking up a year from now and your life being exactly the same?
Safety is a very expensive illusion.
— Julia Cameron, The Artists Way
My clients and I often explore this question together as we dig into their thoughts and emotions surrounding the decision they’re facing.
We’ve sifted through the worst potential outcomes and the best potential outcomes… we’ve sorted through all the “what if’s”. Now we need to bring it back to their current reality. The in’s and out’s of their current day-to-day life and how they’re living it.
Just like how there are positives and negatives for the decision’s potential outcome… there are pros and cons in your current reality, too. As you face this decision head-on, there are usually two alternatives to oscillate between. The first is to make the decision and your life will change. The second is to not make the decision, in which life doesn’t change that much.
If we explore the ladder, the outcome of choosing to not make the decision you’re faced with probably means your life will remain mostly the same.
Fast forward a year… you’re still in that job, that city, that relationship, etc; How would that feel? How would you feel a year later not making this decision?
Let’s dream again. See future you. Imagine yourself a year from now, having not made the decision. Picture yourself walking through a day of your life.
I always have a strong emotional response when I ask myself this question. My gut either flares up with a reaction of “Oh, HELL no. I cannot wake up a year from now and be in this same situation.”
Or my gut feels relieved and totally content with the thought of things remaining the same.
This is a great question for a quick emotional gut check. You get to peek at how future you feels about making this decision. And after all… they’re the ones who have to deal with the outcome.
4.) Do you desire making the decision? Or are you committed to making the decision?
We can have a deep desire to make a decision that will change our life. But are we actually committed to making that change? Do we spend countless hours dreaming and wishing about making the decision… but the second we open our eyes we know there’s no way in hell we’re going to do what’s required of us to make it happen?
There’s a massive difference between desire and commitment.
You can have a desire to get better… a desire to work harder… a desire to show up for yourself…. a desire for a better relationship or job… But are you committed to making this a reality for yourself?
Are you committed to getting better? Are you committed to making the tough decisions to evoke change?
Commit to going after what you want and doing what you have to do to make that possible. Don’t just desire it. And if you know you’re going to spend your precious hours desiring but doing nothing about it… stop teasing yourself.
Make the decision to move past desire and actually commit.
5.) What’s the most enjoyable part about making this decision?
There’s got to be something fun and attractive about making this decision for you!
Remind yourself of why the heck you’re thinking about making it in the first place.
It may have started as this small dream or idea you’d whisper to yourself or journal about. You’d have fun playing pretend “what if?”. And then the idea grew. You were more emotionally connected to it. You started becoming connected to the narrative of what would happen if it played out.
Get yourself away from the stress of adulting for a moment and go back to playland. Go back to the land of fun and enjoyment.
6.) What hard decisions have you made in the past? What were the results?
Sometimes we need a reminder that we’ve been here before. We were faced with a tough decision and we weren’t sure what to do about it. We pondered the outcomes; we explored the pros and cons. We ultimately arrived at an answer and we took action.
Even if it’s with a totally different subject matter, you’ve had the capacity to make tough decisions in your past and you’ve survived. No matter what the outcome has been… you’ve been able to keep moving forward.
You’ve proven to yourself that you can do it. You’ve given yourself the opportunity to continue your journey through your own action.
Or maybe a big decision you’ve made in your past didn’t pan out the way you’ve hoped. Maybe it blew up in your face. You’ve still had the resiliency to keep going. You never stopped living your life. You continued on, now with more experience and knowledge than you previously had. You earned insight.
You’ve been here before. You’ve felt this way before. Remind yourself that you’ve had the strength to overcome the difficulty of making the decision. Best of all, you survived.
7.) What’s one small decision you can make today?
Show yourself that you’re capable of making a decision. Any level of a decision. The world didn’t stop spinning, and it feels good to just take one small step forward.
Action begets action.
Take one small step away from the paralysis of decision purgatory.
Take-A-Ways
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
— Lao Tzu
Whatever decision you’re facing is just another step on your journey. It will become part of your narrative, but it’s not all of your narrative.
By deciding, you’re choosing to be active in writing your own story.
Just as there can be shitty negative outcomes, there can be gloriously positive outcomes too.
You’ve been here before, and you’ll be here again.
I hope you not only survive; I hope you thrive.
Maddie is a writer, voice-over artist and certified life coach. Self-declared boxed wine aficionado. She’d love to hear all your thoughts at [email protected]
