7 Signs You’re Not Too Nice, It’s Your Trauma

Signs You Might Be Fawning

Have you ever been told that you’re excessively kind? Do you often feel that being a people-pleaser is negatively impacting your life?

It’s common to blame ourselves for allowing others to take advantage, but psychologists have shed light on the idea that excessive niceness, known as “fawning,” is a response to perceived threats.

Specifically, therapist Pete Walker, in his book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” explored this phenomenon.

Walker, a specialist in complex PTSD, defines fawning as an adaptive strategy for creating safety in relationships by mirroring others’ expectations, needs, and desires.

This response is triggered by the activation of the sympathetic nervous system in response to perceived threats.

Traumatic experiences in early life can lead to individuals getting stuck in one of four modes: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In essence, fawning is a maladaptive response to extreme psychological stress.

With that understanding, let’s explore seven signs, according to experts, that your excessive niceness may be a manifestation of the trauma response of fawning.

1. You feel invisible: If you tend to fawn, you may often find yourself as the go-to person when others need favors or assistance. Unfortunately, prioritizing others’ needs can make you feel unseen as an individual.
2. Your values are compromised: Fawning can erode your sense of self and lead you to compromise your values to avoid conflict. You might struggle to stand up for your beliefs and may even validate opinions you disagree with.
3. You take responsibility for others’ feelings: Fawning individuals often experience misplaced guilt and an undue sense of responsibility for others’ emotions and reactions. They prioritize others’ happiness over their own, leading to self-blame and self-loathing for things beyond their control.
4. You fear making decisions for others: Fawning can make you anxious about making decisions for others, even seemingly inconsequential ones. Your constant need to please others may cause you to disregard your own feelings.
5. You feel guilty about making others angry: People who fawn may experience deep guilt when confronted with others’ negative behaviors or boundary violations. They struggle to assert themselves and instead enable mistreatment.
6. You over-apologize: Fawning often leads to a lack of personal boundaries, low self-esteem, and excessive apologies as a way to keep the peace.
7. You struggle to say no: Inability to say no is a significant indicator of fawning. Fawning individuals frequently say yes to everything, fearing rejection if they decline.

If you identify with these signs, it may be an indication that your excessive niceness is a result of unresolved trauma. While fawning and people-pleasing might seem like effective ways to build relationships, they can ultimately be draining, inauthentic, and unfulfilling, as they hinder the development of your own identity and the validation of your feelings and experiences.

In the words of self-help guru Phoebe Parib, being a kind person means balancing your own wants and needs with those of others. It’s about kind communication rather than erasing your sense of self or avoiding speaking up for yourself. If you’re struggling with trauma recovery, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for support. Your well-being is important.

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