7 Signs You’re Falling Out Of Love
Listen when your heart is speaking.
It’s valuable to understand what healthy relationships look like. What love feels like. Also — to understand what love requires as a matter of being a conscious decision that we make.
Love isn’t something you just “fall into” without work, effort, consistency, and mutual effort.
Equally important to understand, though, are the signs that you might be forcing something that isn’t really working for you. Or, that what once was something (or someone) that aligned with your identity and life path, but simply doesn’t anymore.
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Now, onward:
1: You find yourself being less affectionate with them.
Of course, not everyone is the touchy-feely, or mushy compliment type of person.
How you show affection in your relationship is less important than that you show affection in your relationship.
Assuming, of course, that you and your partner have communicated your love languages and they actually receive what you’re willing to give.
In other words — it matters “how” in the context of your partner actually understanding your ways of showing affection, and vice versa.
When it comes to a signal you may be losing feelings for this person, though, your willingness and desire to show that affection, no matter how you do it, is something we need to be cognizant of.
Are you losing the desire to hold their hand in public? To cuddle up on the couch during a movie? To give them a hug when you get home after a long day? To compliment how they look? To show gratitude for the effort they put in for you?
Never easy to admit — but always important to acknowledge.
2: You’re emotionally confiding in others more than your partner.
Of course, we get into sticky territory when we start treating our partner like our therapist, or our life coach (that’s my job, not theirs).
But, obviously, two partners should always be there to support each other in a relationship, to open up to each other, to confide in each other, to be a trusted and safe teammate in the game of life.
When you start feeling less likely to open up to them, more likely to go elsewhere (no, I’m not talking about cheating — I’m talking about other friends, or perhaps family members) about issues that you’d normally go to your partner about, it could be a sign of fractured trust or love.
If you no longer feel safe opening up to them, or that you can no longer trust them with your feelings, concerns, or secrets…then you’re beginning to recognize cracks in a very important foundation that, if left to worsen, may end up beyond repair.
3: You sort of wish they’d stop confiding in you, too.
It is your job to be there for your partner for the duration of your relationship.
If your relationship lasts for the rest of your life, well, then…you must be there for them for the rest of your life.
That’s just part of the deal.
If you feel like your empathy or compassion tank for this person is running low, or is perhaps completely empty, it’s worth exploring why that might be.
Let me be clear: We all have ebbs and flows in our mood, our tolerance, our capacity to be empathetic, patient, or even caring at times.
I am not talking about the ups and downs of moods and life, though — I’m talking about a constant and final feeling that tells you, well, that you just don’t care anymore.
Under those circumstances it’s worth considering that maybe you don’t.
4: You’ve stopped looking forward to spending time together.
Duh, right? This seems obvious.
Let me add some important context, though:
One of my clients has been in a relationship for nearly a year.
He questions the fullness of his love for his girlfriend because he doesn’t feel that “rush of excitement” before he sees her.
However, he still looks forward to seeing her.
Just as I tell him — mature, adult, (potentially) lifelong relationships don’t require the butterflies in the stomach that we expected as teenagers.
They’re much more, well, real life.
I’m making this point because I don’t think that a lack of “excitement” is, in itself, a red flag.
However — if you’re no longer looking forward to spending time with them, or would rather be alone than see them, that’s a problem.
Another asterisk: We all enjoy our alone time now and then. It’s perfectly natural to want to do your own thing, enjoy your own hobbies, see friends, or just sit in silence and unwind for a little bit. Experiencing this want or need every once in awhile is natural, and even healthy.
What I’m talking about here, though, is no longer enjoying a person’s presence in your life. Obviously this becomes much stickier if you live together, or if you’re *gasp* married.
But, people have stayed in unhappy and unhealthy relationships for decades too long because they’ve been unwilling to admit these feelings.
Don’t live your life in that level of misery. It’s too short to be lived under a black cloud.
5: Your focus has shifted towards their negative qualities and away from the positive ones.
Spoiler alert — nobody is perfect.
Not me, not you, not your partner, and not mine.
Nobody is perfect.
Love, though, is about accepting, embracing, and even learning to value someone’s flaws, as well as our own.
At the very least, accepting them.
Understanding they exist — but that they’re a far smaller piece of this person than all of the things you love, adore, and cherish about them.
Over time, as love grows, our focus shifts towards the positives. We feel gratitude for our partner, respect for them, admiration — we like them more.
The “imperfections” fade into the distance as they become less and less important. Irrelevant, even.
What if, though, you’re having a harder time recognizing those positive qualities?
What if the things you chose to overlook in the beginning of a relationship — those “small things” are actually growing in size over time?
What if…the more you learn about your partner…the less you like them?
Whether it’s been a month, a year, or a decade…compatibility today is no guarantee of compatibility tomorrow. We must acknowledge our feelings consistently over time, and be honest about what we find when we see them.
6: You’re even CONSIDERING cheating.
I am a patient person.
I am understanding.
I am empathetic.
I am forgiving.
I, however, have no tolerance for cheating in a relationship.
I believe there is zero excuse for it.
My views on most things have evolved and changed over the course of my life as I’ve matured and grown, but I have always stayed firm here.
Many people will disagree, telling me that we all make mistakes, or that perhaps one partner “pushed the other away,” or they hadn’t had sex in months, or [insert other excuse here].
Let me say this as clearly as possible:
You do not cheat on someone you love.
You might cheat on someone you’re pretending to love.
Someone you think that you love.
But, you do not cheat on someone that you actually love.
If you’re starting to have conversations, entertain advances, exchange phone numbers, delete texts…you’re crossing into dangerous territory and need to evaluate how you actually feel about the person who thinks that you love them.
7: You can’t picture caring for them in your elder years.
If you’ve read my writing in the past, you know that my views on relationships and love have been heavily influenced by my upbringing.
Then again, that’s true for all of us.
My upbringing was of the more “traditional” variety in the sense that the marriages in our family tend to be lifelong. My grandparents were together for nearly 70 years (!!!) before they passed. My parents have been together for more than 40 years. My uncles, aunts, cousins, et cetera, by and large, all enjoy the same stability.
Being immersed in this reality comes along with lessons about life and love.
The truth about what it really means…
You know…”in sickness and in health.”
“‘Til death do us part.”
All of that.
Having grandparents who lived together into their final years meant watching them together. Caring for each other. Carrying each other — yes, emotionally, but sometimes literally.
These conversations can be uncomfortable to have because they’re not fun.
We don’t like to think about old age, or health challenges, or losing a loved one, or the end of our own time here on earth.
That, however, is the reality of lifelong commitment.
If you intend to marry someone and stay with them forever — well — that’s the deal.
That’s what you’re signing up for.
If you can’t, or won’t do that for the person you’re with, the person you say you love, the person whom you’ve chosen and who chooses you every single day — then you must make the decision to let them go and find someone who will.
You may think that being honest with yourself and letting them go now is difficult…and it is…but, not nearly as difficult as spending the rest of your life feeling trapped in the wrong relationship with the wrong person.
You deserve better. They deserve better.
The more time you spend with the wrong person, though…the less time you’ll have left to find the right one.
What other feelings have you experienced when you knew you’d lost your love for someone? Let me know in the comments.
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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.