7 Signs you are Holding Yourself Back

Recognise these signs and save your life

Two years ago, I felt pretty lost.

I was studying something I wasn’t really passionate about. I felt like I had no ambition or future aspirations. A good day was a day when my boyfriend and I didn’t break up and get back together again. The days seemed to pass so slowly because each one was simply about getting through to the next.

My life could not be more different now.

Now I work in a field I love and see meaning in. I get out of bed knowing what I want to achieve. I have big dreams for the future that I strive to make happen every single day. I am no longer in a dead-end relationship. Life seems fast-paced- I look back on the past few months alone and cannot believe all the things I have accomplished.

When I think about my life two years ago, compared with the one I lead now, it could not be more different.

The truth is, it isn’t always easy to spot when we are in a funk. Looking back now, I see that I had been falling into a downward spiral for well over a year. It creeps up on you, slowly and then all at once, so that by the time you’re at your lowest you can scarcely remember being anywhere else.

This can change, but the first step is to honestly evaluate where you are. You can’t find a cure without a diagnosis. Changing your life is no different. Here are some signs you might need to change the direction you’re heading in:

1. By the end of the day, you’re exhausted.

How you feel at the end of each day, says a lot about your lifestyle. Feeling physically tired can be normal, depending on the pace of life you lead.

How are you feeling emotionally?

If you consistently feel mentally and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, then it’s a sign you need to change something. When I was at my unhappiest, I felt like I was constantly living the life of an imposter.

I wasn’t being true to myself, I was always holding myself back and I always had things unsaid because I was too afraid of expressing my own ideas and opinions for fear of upsetting someone (mostly my boyfriend at the time). I was exhausted from pretending, overthinking and over-analysing.

If you’re emotionally exhausted at the end of every day, you’re masquerading as someone you’re not. If you find you don’t have a consistent sense of self, an idea of your likes, your dislikes, your hobbies and your world views then it could be a sign you are living your life on autopilot and censoring who you are for the benefit of other people.

2. You can’t remember the last time you did something for yourself

What do you like to do?

If you were suddenly the only person left on earth would you still have things you could do to keep yourself happy and fulfilled? Playing the piano. Cooking delicious meals. Painting.

I like to write, and I like long-distance running, and these are things I can do totally alone and gain a sense of satisfaction from. What are the things you do for yourself?

If you can’t remember the last time you did something, a hobby or activity completely for you and you alone, chances are you are holding yourself back. There are an unlimited number of things to try in the world, and you can do them all, without being limited by your success or output. If you enjoy something, you deserve to pursue it.

If you have no time to work on yourself, even if it just to spend time taking a long bath, something needs to change. You feel as though you exist only to serve other people- your spouse or partner, your boss, your family. There’s nothing wrong with being dependable, but you need to prioritise yourself.

Carve out times for things you want to do alone, for hobbies or relaxation, and watch yourself grow as an individual.

3. A good day is a day where nothing bad happens

I used to fall victim to this type of thinking all the time. I had a “good” day if my boyfriend and I didn’t argue. Or if I didn’t cry. My “good” days were days when I just managed to exist.

This is a muted way to live your life.

If you always assume the very worst, if you always prepare yourself for failure or expect sadness, your good days will be ones where you simply avoid anything bad happening.

A good day doesn’t simply mean the absence of something bad. There has to be more to a good day than that.

Now, almost every day of mine is a good day- even the days when something unexpected happens. A good day is a day where I do something for me, like take a run or cook a good meal, catch up with a friend or loved one, meet someone new, or push myself out of my comfort zone.

There are an infinite number of ways to have a good day. Your mindset and the way you look at your circumstances is your most powerful way of experiencing your reality. If you define ‘good’ as simply a lack of anything bad, you’re always going to be unfulfilled. You’re always going to be holding yourself back.

Change the way you look at your world- and you’ll realise every day is a good day if you let it be.

4. You manage on the bare minimum

If you’re holding yourself back in life, sometimes even doing the bare minimum can feel as though it is a monumental effort. I’ve been there.

I would settle for doing as little work as possible on my studies because I didn’t care about them. I would accept the minimum from my relationship, which meant spending less time together than I would have liked to and made me feel miserable. I settled on the food I put into my body and the way I treated myself because I just didn’t value myself highly enough.

If you’ve decided to simply settle for the bare minimum from your own efforts, and the efforts of other people in your life simply because it feels safer than demanding more, you are holding yourself back. If it feels safer to expect less for fear of disappointment, you aren’t living fully.

Start valuing yourself and the things you want from your life more. Demand more from others and yourself. You deserve better than the bare minimum.

5. Even basic self-care feels like a lot

Food. Sleep. Exercise. Hygiene.

These are all basics. You eat for energy, and to nourish your body. You sleep to rest and function optimally for the day. You exercise to sharpen your focus and release endorphins. You take care of yourself to feel good and present your best self to the world.

If things like regular mealtimes, exercise and consistent sleep fall by the wayside for you because you don’t even have the time for basic self-care, then you are holding yourself back. These things are the bare minimum, and without them, you can never expect to live fully.

2 years ago I didn’t work out- ever. I didn’t eat consistently- most of the time I didn’t eat at all, and when I did it was usually nothing of nutritional value. I didn’t sleep well, and I didn’t sleep for very long or very consistently.

If you are serious about transforming your life, these things are on the very bottom tier of the pyramid. Get your sleep- consistently. Have regular mealtimes, and make time to either cook for yourself, or get something of nutritional value. Find a way to exercise that you enjoy- even if it’s just getting fresh air walking in the park. Spend an extra 5 minutes in the morning on yourself- whether that’s applying moisturiser or doing a full skincare routine.

You are worth all these things.

6. You lack excitement

When did you last really look forward to something?

What was the last thing you counted down the days for, like when you were a kid? When did you last make time to plan something fun? When did you last say yes to something last minute, and push yourself out of your comfort zone?

If you lack things to look forward to or feel like every moment of your day is perfectly predictable, you are holding yourself back. You aren’t pushing yourself forward, and trying new things, or taking the responsibility to plan something that will give you joy.

You control your own happiness and your own life. Having things to look forward to will bring you fulfilment and excitement. Whether as small as meeting a friend for coffee at the weekend or as big as an adventure abroad, the exciting things you can measure time with and look forward to with a smile will allow you to flourish.

By having moments of excitement and fun, you are motivated in your work and day-to-day tasks. As a result, excitement propels your entire life forward- not just in your leisure or downtime.

7. Something is just missing

Maybe it’s been eating away at you for a while now. Maybe it’s a thought in the back of your mind, a little voice in your ear that you just can’t seem to shake. This isn’t it.

I felt this voice within me, two years ago. It started as barely a whisper, but over time it grew louder and louder and louder. I realised my life couldn’t keep continuing along this trajectory. I realised I had to change. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I ended the relationship I was in. I did finish my studies, but I chose to study something else after that I knew was worthwhile and held meaning for me. I started showing up for myself and finding fulfilment from exercising regularly, taking time to cook, spending time with friends, and taking up new hobbies I could feel satisfied with. It only took a few months, but slowly I started to wake up with a sense of purpose. I had things to look forward to. I took unexpected opportunities, I met new people, I tried new things.

I became truly happy, and it was all because I had listened to that inner voice.

Please listen to yours.