7 Seemingly Harmless Social Behaviors That Give Me the Creeps
#7: Dumbing it down for others. Just don’t.
Everyone wants to make a good first impression.
It used to be that if someone wanted to talk to you at an event, they would approach you and comment on something that naturally sparked their curiosity.
These days, curiosity is out, and quick tips and tricks on how to pretend you care about other people are in. There are scads of self help articles about how to charm new acquaintances, feign interest in other people’s lives, and deploy all manner of tricks to enhance your interpersonal prowess.
It’s useful to polish up your social skills. Nevertheless, certain behaviors just feel a little too put on. And I, for one, find them creepy as hell. Here are a few social practices I’m not the least bit charmed by.
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1) People who always remember your name
A very small percentage of the population has a knack for remembering the names of everyone they meet. No objections there. But my problem is with the people who try too hard to always remember my name. If the second time I speak with someone, they remember my name, where I work, and how many kids or pets have, I’m not charmed. I’m alarmed.
Why? Unless we had seriously hit it off, connected personally right away, and they are a potential new friend, they are gaming the system. My guess: they’re using mnemonic devices from a self-help book to optimize name and detail recall. And frankly, someone who spends their free time practicing memory tricks so they can manipulate me isn’t someone I want to get close to.
2) People who make an explicit effort to always seem nice
I once had a boss who was always smiling and went the extra mile to appear nice, all the while planning the demise of everyone around her.
Being nice isn’t the same as being kind. Nice boils down to pleasantries. Kind is acting in someone’s best interests… Which doesn’t necessarily involve opening every conversation with, “Hiiiii!! How are you?!!!!!” What it does involve is thoughtfulness, integrity, and follow-through.
3) People who always remain calm in a storm
Maybe people who never lose it really are pillars of strength. But maybe they just don’t give a hoot what’s going on around them. Apathy can look a lot like strength.
When a situation calls for an emotional reaction, and someone responds with a dry, “Ok, let’s look at both sides and consider the best option…” unless that person’s my lawyer, I consider this an underreaction. Anyone who plays it a little too cool in a highly charged situation is suspect, in my opinion. Not that I want people to fall apart like toddlers — but tapping into the emotional wavelength of a situation means you care enough to pay attention.
4) People who can’t pick a side
Everyone has the right to keep their opinions to themselves. In fact, I’d prefer that more people did. But straddling an issue in an attempt to please everyone in the room is something else. If a person gets pulled into a debate, I’d like to know they are capable of taking a stand.
I am more likely to trust someone who loves sweater vests, even though I can’t stand them, than someone who kind of likes them sometimes, but in other cases prefers cardigans, depending on who they’re trying to impress.
5) People who are too indecisive
We’re all entitled to not know what we want and to change our minds. But you’ve got to start somewhere.
If Beth cannot make a decision on a sandwich, how am I supposed to trust her to carry on an important conversation or take responsibility for decisions that carry weight? I’d rather deal with someone sending back a sandwich that turned out to be a bad choice than spend 15 minutes waiting for them to decide what to order.
6) People who need help with things they should be able to handle themselves
“Where is the nearest Thai restaurant?” Google it. “Do you know what time the movie theater opens?” You can Google that, too. “Do you know where the bathroom is in this building?” No, it’s my first time here, too.
Helplessness is not endearing. Of course, they may be certain romantic contexts in which certain people are drawn to it. But for purposes for everyday adult functioning? Please don’t think that it’s charming or disarming to ask people for simple things that you can figure out yourself.
7) People who think they need to “dumb it down” for others
When someone starts their explanation of a topic with, “Let me simplify the science so that it doesn’t overwhelm you guys,” I know I’m in for some hot air.
If you truly understand your topic, you will have no problem explaining it clearly without dumbing it down. If you feel the need to strip the substance from the material to make it easier to understand, then you’re not the person I want to learn it from.
8) Upspeak/ Uptalk / Vocal Fry
Upspeak is a voice trick used (mostly by women) to appear non-threatening by raising their voice a few notes at the end of a statement to make it sound like a question. “I went to the grocery store this afternoon?” In my hometown of Los Angeles, it’s become a cultural norm.
I’m going to take a position on this one. It’s a hard pass. If I hear upspeak an interview, that person is not getting a job offer. If I hear it in a social setting, I beeline out of the room. If I hear it on TV, I change the channel.
If you have even the most remote level of confidence in what you’re telling me, you don’t need to make every sentence a question. If you’re afraid that making a statement that isn’t a question is going to make you sound too abrasive for polite society, go build your self-confidence. Then we’ll talk.
When someone overengineers their first impression by using these kinds of gimmicks and tricks, it makes me wonder what they’re hiding.
Whatever they’re hiding, it probably makes them far more interesting than the person they’re pretending to be.
The secret convictions behind the upspeak? The fears behind the face of calm? The beliefs behind the manufactured neutrality? The person who has to re-ask me my name because they were too busy actually engaging with me to remember it earlier? That’s the person I want to get to know.
The person behind the facade.
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