7 Reasons Why You Are in Denial

…and how to escape from it

There is a story about an old lady in North Korea. She became blind due to malnutrition caused by the isolationist policies in the country and the resultant famine. When asked what would be her number one wish she replied: “to have a bust of our leader so I could touch it and recall his face”

For this lady, all the damage, all the suffering, and all the destruction meant nothing. She was still thinking of her leader as God.

We could explain this Stockholm syndrome by the brainwashing and the oppression that took place in the country but the reality is that we all suffer from denial and usually we are the last ones to notice it.

Whether it is your political affiliation, your team, your diet, or your ideas, you stubbornly pursue them even when it’s obvious they are destroying you, is a lost battle, and all evidence is proving you wrong.

Why do we keep defending the indefensible, supporting flawed theories, and turning a blind eye to reality?

These are some of the reasons.

1. Consistency

We don’t need to be right all the time but rather, we feel the need to appear consistent with our beliefs, ideas, or habits.

So many youngsters keep the rebel, uncommitted and iconoclastic attitude well past the expiration date just because they don’t want to lose face in front of their peers, look like a sell-out or betray their former selves.

Even if you’ve gone off metal, reggaeton, or garage music, you will pretend you still listen to it so that your peers don’t give you a hard time when they find out that now you love jazz.

But it’s not just peer pressure. You are also your worse critic. There is a battle between the person you are and the person you used to be, you don’t want to disappoint your past self and for that, you pay a hefty price.

Change is hard and admitting that you really need to change is even harder. This need for consistency is ruining your chance of living a fulfilling life. The sooner you get rid of it the better.

2. Laziness

The comfort zone is a nasty trap. You know is killing you, making you unhappy, and lowering your potential and yet, there is not much you can do to escape it.

Being consistent with your previous ideals feels comfortable even when you start having second thoughts and cold feet. Better the devil you know.

I remember listening to the president of the Flat earth association defending his theories against a mountain of evidence. At the end of the interview, he was asked: “But what if you were proved wrong? What would you do?”

To which he admitted: “even if I was wrong I would have to keep pretending, there is no turning back now”

3. Bias

We all think that we are objective, rational, and balanced but we have strong biases especially when it comes to ourselves.

Even the most objective scientists suffer from subjectivity when it comes to self-awareness and blind spots.

Biases are reinforced by bubbles, we gravitate towards the people that think like us and reject everyone who thinks differently. Social media has increased this silo effect and we are now more divided than ever.

If you were pro or anti-vax, now you have reinforced your position 1000x by listening to your crowd attacking the opposite team. Clearly one of them is wrong, but who is it?

4. Uncertainty

Most people choose unhappiness over uncertainty

Tim Ferris

When you are in denial, at least you are certain, even if you are wrong. Questioning yourself all the time is very unsettling. That’s why we tend to pick sides quickly and stick to our choices. Blind faith wins over doubt and provides us with a path to follow even if it leads to the wrong destination.

5. Contrarianism

From an early age, we decide what’s our mission, vision, and views in life probably influenced by whatever role model we had. Then we become contrarians to any suggestion that offers the slightest variation.

If you are left-wing, you won’t listen to right-wingers. If you are an iPhone, you won’t speak to androids. If you are a bitcoiner, you won’t listen to bankers.

It’s funny how we are quick to make up our minds and extremely resilient to maintain our views even when there is a 50% chance of us being wrong.

6. Identity

We identify with certain ethics, preferences, and ideas and this becomes our identity. We reject any changes because change feels like a betrayal to ourselves and others.

Adjusting your identity feels like suicide, you have created an illusion and now you have to defend it against everyone, especially yourself.

The ego plays an important part here and it will offer a lot of resistance to any change that threatens your identity. In this sense, denial is an excellent tool to remain stuck.

7. Suffering

Often, facing reality can be extremely painful. It’s better to deny it and make up an alternative reality that feels a bit better.

If your partner doesn’t love you, you are an alcoholic, or you are a failure, it’s much easier to create a parallel universe where things are more favorable even if it’s made up. Sometimes reality stinks.

Conclusion

We live in denial because is easier. Finding the truth, whatever that means, it’s extremely difficult and can be painful.

Why bother soul searching, questioning your values, and engaging in deep thinking when you can just stay in your comfy metaverse and enjoy fantasyland forever?

Denial is a powerful drug and one that can take you to an early grave. You don’t want to be the last violinist sinking with the Titanic, get out now.

If we don’t question our beliefs from time to time, we could be spectacularly wrong and that could cause horrible suffering for us and others.

It could be argued that atrocities like the genocides in history come from people that stop questioning themselves and just lived in automatic pilot rather than challenging their belief systems.

The best antidote against denial is exposure to different ideas, the more opposed to your bubble, the better.

Make an effort to follow people you disagree with and try to understand where they are coming from. This could save your life.

If you admit you might be in denial, you are already on the right path. Follow it until it develops into a richer and more balanced view of reality and your future self will be grateful for it.