Summary

The author expresses a strong dislike for numbered lists, criticizing them for being pretentious, attention-grabbing, grammatically incorrect, and often nonsensical.

Abstract

The article titled "7 Reasons Why I Absolutely, Positiously Hate Numbered Lists" humorously outlines the author's grievances with the format. The author argues that numbered lists are pretentious because they imply a definitive authority on a subject, often using unconventional numbers to stand out. These lists are also criticized for their ability to draw in readers with the allure of numerical specificity, much like the spectacle of a car accident. The author points out that numbered lists frequently violate grammatical rules by starting sentences with numerals and are often overused on web pages. Additionally, the quality of the content within these lists tends to diminish as the list progresses, leading to filler items. Despite the temptation to use such lists for their attention-grabbing nature, the author has tried to avoid them, acknowledging a single lapse in a blog post.

Opinions

Numbered lists are seen as pretentious, suggesting the author has exclusive and exhaustive knowledge on a topic.
The use of specific numbers in lists is viewed as a tactic to appear more authoritative and to capture reader interest.
The author believes that numbered lists are grammatically incorrect when they start sentences with numerals instead of spelling out numbers one through nine.
Overuse of numbered lists on a page is considered annoying and desperate for reader attention.
The quality of content in numbered lists often declines as the list gets longer, leading to less valuable or humorous filler items.
Despite the criticism, the author admits to previously succumbing to the use of a numbered list in their own work.
The author intentionally ends the list at six points, mocking the convention of ending on a round number like seven for perceived completeness.

Stick 8 forks in me now

7 Reasons Why I Absolutely, Positively Hate Numbered Lists

Helpfully presented as a numbered list

**Mindless minutiae all lined up.** — Photo by Dan Burton on Unsplash

You see them everywhere. “6 Best Places to Eat in New York.” “8 Clever Gifts for Teens.” “18 Worst Cars Ever Made.” In print media. On the Web. Even on television.

Here are the 7 reasons why I absolutely, positively detest them:

1. They’re pretentious

The author wants you to believe that he or she is not just an authority, but the authority on a given subject.

Knowledgeable people know a lot of things. But know-it-alls who publish ordered lists know that there are exactly 7 things about a subject worth knowing.

2. They’re pretentious, Part II

Any commoner can come up with five things that are best. Or ten. Those are nice, round, respectable numbers.

But pretentious list-makers are convinced that their lists are perfect, finite, not subject to argument.

There are exactly 8 ways to amuse your child on a car ride.

Not 7. Not 9. Exactly 8, just like the list says.

5 or 10? Psht.

3. They suck you in like a Dyson on steroids

We all pass cars pulled over on the highway. Maybe the driver is lost. Or out of gas. Who cares.

But notice one or two scrunched-up cars in the aftermath of a fender-bender? Hit the brakes, crane your neck, gotta see what happened!

That’s how numbered lists grab your attention — they have numbers! Numbers are important! Gotta read!

4. They’re grammatically incorrect

Anyone versed in the proper use of the English language will tell you that numbers from one to nine are spelled out, and only those 10 or above are written as numerals. And one never, ever begins a sentence or title with a numeral.

So why do list-spewers use numerals? Because they stand out. They grab your attention. Even clods who can’t read without moving their lips recognize the number 4 on a page.

5. They’re almost never seen walking alone

One ordered list is annoying. But a page full of unrelated, numbered lists is positively scream-inducing.

“Look! I have a list of 9 lists of unrelated stuff for you! See how clever I am?”

No, you’re not clever. You’re desperately looking for a way to Dyson in readers who landed on your flypaper of a page.

6. Their quality goes down as the numbers go up

Ordered lists start with good intentions: how can I inform my readers? Then numerical hubris takes over and desperation-induced silliness invariably rears its ugly head.

“18 Top Cooking Tips: #1 Use high-quality copper-clad heat-distributing cookware…

#18 Turn the oven off when you’re done.”

I promised myself a long time ago that I would not succumb to the temptation of cheap eyeballs on a page by creating banal ordered lists. (Please ignore my very excellent blog post on Seven Steps to a Better Paint Job that will give you professional-looking results and increase the value of your home 9-fold.)

The skin rash I got from using numerals in this article will hopefully go away in 2 or 3 days.

I’ve made my point(s). This horse won’t get any deader.

And I know there are only 6 items on my list. 7 reasons sounds so much more pretentious than 6, but that’s all I’ve got.

If you enjoyed this story, leave a comment, give it a clap, highlight whatever tickles your fancy and follow me for a deeper dive into my dark humor. Such as this gem:

Warning: Read This and You Will Never Play the Lottery Again

And you will hate me forever

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