7 Powerful Truths About Relationships They Should Teach In School

What if we all learned this from a young age?

Most valuable lessons in life are learned through experience. No matter how many times we hear, read, or see something — our human nature compels us to experience it for ourselves before we can be totally sure.

This is especially true in our relationships — much of which are a trial and error process until we find the person that we want to fully commit ourselves to.

While we all have unique and specific experiences, though, there are some consistencies and patterns that seem to remain universally true.

The lessons below are a combination of personal experience, watching decades of success in my own family’s relationships, and lessons that I’ve learned from 10+ years of coaching private clients.

And I can tell you this: Most people wish they learned these things a lot sooner than they did.

We don’t have “Relationships 101” in school, and many people are guided by others in life who — through no fault of their own — aren’t properly equipped to prepare others for the truths and trials of life and love. So, we perpetuate cycles of heartache, frustration, and pain.

If we did have Relationships 101, here are some points I think would be valuable in the curriculum.

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1: You need to get yourself in order first.

One of the biggest reasons I started focusing on helping people get clear on their identity and purpose is because almost 100% of the time when I’d be working with someone on their dating life, they’d come back to me and say:

“Wow, I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.”

Why? Because they’d not yet taken the time to figure out who they really are, and what they really want out of life — or love.

This inevitably led to confusion around the type of partner that would be best suited for them.

How can you know what you want if you don’t know who you are?

I don’t think our society puts enough effort (or any, at all…) into introspection. Really reflecting on our own personal identities and determining what’s going to make us feel happy and fulfilled.

As a result — we look to external sources for it. We try to make the most money, or buy the most things, or wear the fanciest clothes, or — find it in a relationship.

Since true fulfillment only comes from within, none of these methods end up working, and we only feel frustrated, confused, and lost.

No — you don’t need to have all of the answers before you start dating, but taking the time now to get fully clear on the “who,” of both yourself and your ideal partner, will save you immense heartbreak down the road.

2: You can have two good people who aren’t good for each other.

One of the most painful but important lessons to learn.

Have you ever loved two types of food — but cannot stand the taste when they are combined together?

Some things are better left separate, and the same goes for people in intimate relationships.

I believe you can love and appreciate someone for who they are as a person, but understand that they’re not compatible with you and what you’re looking for.

Compatibility is (confusingly) one of the most overlooked considerations in a relationship.

We can sing someone’s praises all day long, respect and admire qualities about them, and believe the world is a better place because they exist…but, also, recognize that we don’t want an intimate relationship with them.

3: You can leave if you want to.

There’s a big difference between being committed, and feeling trapped.

Nobody — let me reiterate — nobody is imprisoned by their partner.

I understand there are extreme circumstances where abuse is present.

I understand that it feels impossible to leave when there are children involved.

I understand that the cost or price of divorce can seem insurmountable.

I understand that you’re worried about public opinion.

I understand your spouse may control the money and you feel quite literally trapped…

But, despite all of that — people around the world have escaped the most horrible of situations before, and if they can — you can, too.

The truth is that for most of us, the circumstances won’t be this extreme. It’ll simply be inconvenient or undesirable to leave. Or maybe it’s just easier to stay, even though you’re not truly happy in the relationship.

The painful truth is this: Once you understand that it’s a choice to leave, you’re also faced with the reality that it’s also a choice if you stay.

4: The timing of sex doesn’t matter.

I usually get flack for this one but I fully believe it to be true, so I’m running with it.

It does not matter if you have sex on the first date, or the 10th date…if someone is only in it for the sex, they’re going to leave after it happens.

Also: It does not matter if you have sex on the first date, or the 10th date…if someone is not only in it for the sex, they’re not going to leave after it happens.

We all know this point is most likely about men, but as a man I can tell you that when Rachel and I got together, I already knew I wanted to spend more and more time with her regardless of what happened (or didn’t happen) physically.

I can also tell you that if I only wanted to spend physical time with her, that wasn’t going to be changed by spending more time with her. This has been true my entire life.

I’m obviously not saying you should run around sleeping with everyone you meet right off the bat (but hey, you do you…), I’m just saying that holding out in hopes that someone will stick around if you do, is only delaying the inevitable.

If you are two consenting adults who both agree to enjoy your experience together regardless of where things go (or don’t go) from there, then allow the relationship to flourish in its own way.

The point is this: You can’t control what they do after sex by how long you make them wait for it.

5: Peace is just as important as passion.

Everyone wants the fireworks — the spark that comes with a new relationship.

I’ve heard many people cut a potential partner loose after the first date because they didn’t feel “it” with them.

Now — I do believe that you can know someone isn’t right for you very early on, and if that’s the feeling you’re getting, by all means cut loose before you waste more of your time and energy.

However, understand that most of your relationship isn’t going to be spent in passionate moments, but in peaceful ones (hopefully).

Spending quality time together, watching a movie on the couch, enjoying a coffee on Sunday morning, running errands together, enjoying a family dinner or a social event…growing into old age together.

In these circumstances — peace is priceless.

6: Love is NOT all you need.

Relationships are a team, and a team works best when the members of it are able to work together efficiently and effectively.

I’m certainly not trying to take the romance out of relationships, but building a life together is a matter of work and effort put forth by both partners.

If you love someone but have different opinions, goals, or viewpoints — you’re going to find yourself clashing on what to do, and how to do it.

If you want to raise your kids in different ways, have different family values, have vastly different priorities, or have habits and routines that drive each other crazy — there is going to be tension and conflict that love alone cannot overcome.

There is an element of “real life” in relationships where you need to look at the pair of you together logically and say “can we work together to get to where we both want to go?”

If the answer is yes — then you’ll build even more love by sharing those accomplishments and growing together as a team.

7: Choose your partner for YOU, not anyone else.

Everyone has their own opinions about your dating life — that’s fine, let them.

Everyone will ask when you’re settling down, when you’re having kids, when you’re [enter societal pressure here] — that’s fine, let them.

At the end of the day, though — in your later years, in your quiet moments, in your most intimate times…

None of them will be there.

Your life, and your relationship, should be designed to make you feel happy and fulfilled. You and your partner need to choose each other every single day for the right reasons, free of societal pressure or expectations.

When you choose your partner, that’s how you can overcome conflict. That’s why you choose to fix something instead of walking away. That’s when you’ll know you’re in it for the right reasons…

The partner you choose is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. It affects your mental health, your physical health, your career success, and your level of daily happiness.

If that’s not a decision that you need to be 100% certain of, I don’t know what is.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.