Mental health
7 Positive Ways To Help When Loved Ones Talk of Suicide
We can and must make a difference
Why do we refuse to help loved ones who may be on the verge of suicide? Perhaps “refuse” is too strong but certainly, we are unwilling to even broach the subject. There are various reasons for this.
I want to outline how we can help and support loved ones who are going through this torture. We are often in the dark about what the risk factors and signs of suicide are. The sad fact is that according to the CDC, the suicide rate is steadily increasing — a 35% increase over a 20 year period from 1999–2018. World Suicide Prevention Day is normally marked on Sept 10 every year.
We all look at physical pain with great empathy. We take action when someone is in extreme pain and we call the emergency services. This is an obvious and loving gesture.
Yet, when it comes to a person going through agonizing pain on a psychological level and thinking of suicide, we tend to ignore it, hope they will pull themselves together, or even change the subject!
“Did you really want to die?” “No one commits suicide because they want to die.” “Then why do they do it?” “Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star
It is a sad fact of life that our attitudes to mental illness are still in the dark ages. Even the language we use to describe this tragic act has echoes of criminalization as we say a person has “committed suicide.”
While I am not a psychologist, I will outline some useful guidelines which are usually the backbone of what suicide prevention agencies will offer.
1. Don’t try and change the subject
If and when your loved one starts to say it is time to end it all, then that is a signal for us to start taking notice. This is a sure sign that a life is perhaps at stake and it can never be a taboo or something to brush under the carpet.
This is where we have to show that we have heard the cry for help and that we are actually prepared to talk about it.
“Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.” — Unknown
2. Learn to listen attentively
This is where we become active listeners and not preachers who want to talk the person out of suicide. This is useless at this point and also might give the impression that we are not really on the same wavelength.
Listen to how they have reached this point of despair and hopelessness. There may well be health issues, substance abuse, loss, or trauma at the root of their despondency. Forget the cell phone and it would be great if you can turn it off. There is nothing worse than being interrupted by the banalest bings and beeps. Lean forward and make sure that you are maintaining eye contact.
I also found that when I asked why questions, I could use the answers to repeat them back. I found this useful in understanding what is really going on. It also shows that I am really listening. Nothing worse than the cheerful platitudes about things getting better or even judgmental comments! These are not helpful at all.
“The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand… why?” — Clark
3. How we can be more empathic
I have always admired Dr. Lisa Firestone’s (and her father Robert Firestone’s) approach. They believe that a person who is considering suicide has completely emptied their “self” reserve supply. They become so “anti-self” that it is obvious there is nothing left to live for.
Our task is to help them rediscover their real selves and encourage them to build them up again. The best way we can do that is by showing and practicing empathy. This will help them along the path to survival.
“Every person should feel that they are a ‘significant contributor to a meaningful world.’” — Dr. Sheldon Solomon.
4. Ask about their suicide plans
When desperate people talk about suicide, we have a duty to ask how and when they will make this attempt on their lives. If we think there is an imminent risk and that the plans sound plausible and realistic, then we should call the nearest National Suicide Helpline in our area.
5. Home in on the positives
I know several people who have often talked of suicide and I think there is nothing new here. I find that by asking how they managed to overcome the temptation to end it all is a really useful exercise. By concentrating and homing in on these positives will be useful. We sometimes think that people who take their lives rarely ask for help. However, some studies show that up to 50% of suicide victims had searched for help in the last six months before they died.
6. You agree on an action plan
A friend of mine was seriously ill and she told her doctor that she was going to end it all very quickly because she could not stand the pain and suffering. The doctor’s reply was:-
“Well, that is one solution. Now let’s talk about other solutions.”
This is really the key where you can work out a plan which you are both committed to and also a backup plan should things get out of control. Ideally, they will be able to get counseling from a professional or helpline. But you can have your own plan of action for simple coping strategies in the short term when they refuse to do this.
You plan out a number of things that have to be done:-
- You are both committed to this plan
- You ask your loved one to repeat to you what you have agreed on.
- This gives them a sense of structure in their lives which are usually crumbling around them.
- Your loved one makes a promise not to harm themselves in any way for a certain length of time. Set a deadline. Then move on to the next step.
- Being totally committed is reinforced by repeating aloud what you have agreed on.
- Make sure they have the telephone helpline in case they cannot make it or you are away.
These are the baby steps they will need to learn skills and coping strategies which can help them overcome each suicidal crisis.
7. Make a list of happier moments
Having access to treasured memories and mementos of happier days is a great way to remind ourselves why we must go on living. The experts call this the “hope kit.” I also like to encourage a loved one to actually make a list of the reasons they must go on living. This gets them into a more active mode and away from the passive desperation which is such a powerful driver of suicidal thoughts.
“When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.” — Unknown
Final thoughts:-
When the immediate crisis has passed, it is time to look at the long term goals. These will include getting professional help from a mental health specialist or support group.
We can offer to accompany them if they are comfortable with that.
As suicide is now the twelfth leading cause of death in the USA, it is better to be vigilant rather than let things drift.
“Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.” — Unknown