7 Phrases Resilient People Never Want to Hear Again
We don’t need to be reminded of our strength
I’m done with challenges. At least, I want to be. Every time I think I’ve reached a point of security, safety, and success, things go sideways. My life is upended and shaken out, and I am left reassembling the pieces into new shapes. If I’m honest, I’m tired of being torn down just to rebuild again.
7 Phrases Resilient People Never Want to Hear Again
Life is tough, but resilient people are tougher. We’ve had to be. It hasn’t been a matter of choice, but of necessity. While I’m grateful to be a person who has overcome numerous challenges in my life, there are some phrases from well-meaning people that really rub me wrong. I’d be happy to never hear them again.
1. “You’re So Strong”
I know that I am strong. I’ve always been that way. Trauma made me harder, but I really wish I didn’t have to be. I want to be able to soften and enjoy life.
I might be strong, but when people remind me of this, that’s not really what I’m hearing. Instead, I’m hearing a reminder that I can do it all on my own because I’m strong enough. People who say “you’re so strong” aren’t offering to help. They’re reminding us that the only help available is ourselves.
I don’t need to be reminded of my strength. I need to know that I don’t always have to be strong. Unfortunately, this particular phrase does just the opposite, reinforcing the idea that the burden is on me alone and no help is coming.
2. “You’ve Got This”
Perhaps an even worse phrase to tell resilient people is “You’ve got this”. I don’t “got this”. Sometimes, my struggle is beyond what I can handle, and it’s invalidating for someone to tell me that I’m stronger than I realize. I may have to draw on more strength, but there are times I’m depleted, and no one is listening when I say that.
If someone says that they are struggling, the last thing they want to be told is that they are capable of managing it. A confession of struggle is often a cry for help. It’s an indicator that there is an unmet need. It’s not an opportunity to hype someone up about their resourcefulness or capabilities.
3. “It Could Always Be Worse”
Apparently, it can always be worse. There are plenty of people who will volunteer this information any time we have the gall to speak up about a personal struggle. Children are starving in a third-world country, homelessness is a real issue, and whatever we’re complaining about is just a first-world problem. At least, that’s the prevalent attitude when someone whips out an “it could always be worse” when they think our struggle doesn’t compare to the world’s greater problems.
I don’t know how to tell people like this that struggle is not a competition. There’s not a prize if one struggle bus is bigger than another. Most of us don’t want to be competing for having the hardest life. We just want to be able to speak up about the human condition without being shamed for having feelings or struggling with life’s challenges.
4. “Count Your Blessings”
Along with the “it could always be worse” people are the ones who will tell us to count our blessings. Gratitude is important. It’s essential to being a resilient person. Yet, gratitude and struggle are not mutually exclusive. It’s possible to be grateful for many things and still have challenges that are difficult to overcome.
When I speak up about a problem I’m having, I don’t need to be reminded of all the problems I’m not having but could be. I don’t need to be told to be thankful for everything going right. I need space and safety to talk about what’s going wrong. I need to be able to share that life is hard sometimes. I can do that without losing sight of gratitude.
5. “Everything Happens for a Reason”
One of the more offensive phrases said to resilient people is “everything happens for a reason.” That’s not true, by the way. The more accurate take on this is that we make reason when things happen. The reason doesn’t just pre-exist. We decide how we’re going to feel about any given situation.
Someone can see a health diagnosis as a tragedy or an opportunity to become an advocate and spread awareness. A breakup can be a bullet dodged or a crushing disappointment. To say that everything happens for a reason is to take life’s worst circumstances and attribute meaning to them. The truth is that we make the meaning. Telling someone that there is purpose in their pain that is intentional is incredibly crass and insensitive.
6. “Cherish Every Moment”
Resilient parents everywhere might agree that “cherish every moment” is particularly invalidating when sharing parenting problems. Yes, we realize that childhood is short and goes by quickly. Yes, we’re aware that we need to treasure our children’s development. But it’s equally true that parenting can be a brutal process on the hearts and minds of parents.
I love my children with everything that I am, and I can acknowledge that the process of parenting is painful at times. I’m grateful to be their mom, and I sometimes struggle with bad attitudes, sibling fights, and regular meltdowns. As a single parent, there are even more layers to the struggle. The last thing I want to hear is that I should stop complaining (read: expressing myself and being honest about the hard parts) and start cherishing every moment.
7. “It Is What It Is”
No one in the history of the world ever said “it is what it is” in a positive way. When people say these words, they are stating the obvious while dismissing any feelings we might have about it. It’s an expression I would happily never hear again if that was possible.
Yes, I know that things are what they are, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I have the right to have my own opinion and feelings. To suggest that people should just accept it without having any strong feelings is to deny our very humanity. It’s normal and human to balk at change, and the last thing we need to be told is that we should just deal with it.
I’ve always been strong. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t acutely aware of my strength and resilience. But I don’t want to have to be strong because there is no other choice. I want to be able to share the burden at times with people who love me and want to help me carry it. I want to do the same for them. I want to be heard and understood, not dismissed and invalidated.
Resilient people are strong and capable of handling life’s greatest challenges, but sometimes, that hard outer shell hides the damage caused by all that struggle. There are times we’re breaking, and yet, we’re reluctant to speak up because we know how easily people dismiss our pain. We’re meant to keep holding up the world when we can’t even hold up ourselves.
We don’t need to be patted on the head or reminded of who we are. We just need the same freedom and safety to be human. To break down. To not be strong or perfect. We just need to be. But what we never need is to hear any of these phrases ever again.
