HUMOR

7 Motivational Quotes To Inspire The Cynical And Realistic

We like inspiration, too. We just don’t believe it.

Reality has defecated on me for my entire life. So, due to this, I am not an optimist. I am a realist. The world needs to be glad that’s all I am. I am holding on to my nerves like a string in water.

I would love to be the bubbly optimist that BEBOPS around town, dumb as hell or blind to her surroundings. Unfortunately for everyone that knows me, I’ve been through too much shit to try and act like that and pull it off. So I am the tense, guarded, realistic person that slinks in public only when necessary while I wait for pending disaster. Some might call me cynical, but most call me much worse.

However, even a bitter, snarky sourpuss like me gets jealous of all the inspirational quotes and motivational memes that seem to motivate the rest of you every day. Sometimes I also need a little incentive besides coffee. Crack is illegal and so is murder, remember?

When I discovered this niche of people with no inspiration, I decided to make my own set of quotes for the cynical and/or realistic ones, otherwise called wise ones. We are real people, just a lot less happy and a lot less naïve than the optimists and others with their heads buried in the sand.

Follow your dreams, but not too hard because you may fail.

Teach them early, starting at birth, that failure is always a possibility. In my case, it’s a probability. I consider myself to be extremely proficient at failing. An expert, if you will. Because nobody wants to say this to their little ones, we have an overabundance of grown people that believe stardom as the next greatest rapper is right around the corner.

So with that being said, go for the gold and follow your dreams, but always have a Plan B, Plan C and Plan D. Make yourself happy with getting cubic Zirconia instead of gold. It’s still shiny. Most of us have to fall back on our backup plans, if we are smart enough to make them. Otherwise, we just wing survival for the rest of our lives. That is the ugly, but the honest truth, about adulting.

Always believe in yourself because no one else does.

This may sound harsh, but the truth hurts sometimes. Most of the time, actually — for us peasants. Be your own biggest supporter. No one better than you knows what you are really capable of achieving. With that being said, try to skirt the line between confidence and arrogance. Nobody likes an arrogant prick.

Reach for the stars! You’ll pull your back out and get a day off!

Middle age happened almost instantly. I turned 40 and immediately started having back aches and what I can only think might be arthritis pains. I’m just really glad I didn’t wake up wanting to wear cat sweaters and collect porcelain figurines. I’m sure all that is coming my way very soon.

Surround yourself with losers so you always look good.

There’s no faster way to make yourself look better than being surrounded by people that look bad compared to you. I’m not talking about physically bad. I’m talking about people that are criminals or have never read a book. Or maybe they are slightly obese or have the personality of a sloth on Xanax.

The grass is greener where you water it. Unless you live in the desert, then watering doesn’t make a damn difference, now does it?

I’m sorry to be a contrary Cathy, but some things are not capable of getting better through how you respond. I get the premise — put attention into your own relationship instead of wishing for something else.

Unfortunately I know all too well that abuse, addiction, adultery, disrespect and so much more is not something you can repair with attention. Before I get blasted, at least I haven’t found that to be the case.

A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset. Along with coffee, the taste of sweet revenge and an antidepressant.

I am not ashamed that it takes a daily dose of an anti-anxiety medication to make me not become a batshit crazy and bitter lunatic. I have resigned myself to the crazy and bitter, but my sanity is about all that I can cling to at this point.

If you need a prescription, take one. If you need three husbands, a maid, and a personal assistant, get them. Do whatever it takes to survive this life. As long as it’s legal and safe, obviously. I am saying that for legal purposes. Wink, wink.

Attitudes are contagious. Not as much as Chlamydia, though. Ridding yourself of a good attitude is a lot easier.

I’ve never had chlamydia that I’m aware of, but I’ve heard it does terrible things to one’s private parts or ‘tiddley bits’ as I like to call them. Not that I use mine much anymore anyways. In addition to Chlamydia, I have never caught a good attitude. If my day sucks, your smiling face will not help it. I will take cash and Amazon gift cards.

If I am in a good mood, my body emits a signal that only my children can hear. They immediately stop all activities and start searching for me to try and ask me for things while they can. Which, in turn, puts me in a bad mood. It’s as vicious of a cycle as menstruation.

I hope my fellow grumps appreciate all I have given them here today. I’m sure they won’t though. It probably won’t even get read.