TUMMY TUNES

A Cheesy Appreciation

There’s really nothing that could curdle my love for the stuff

Some like to “gussy it up,” as my Nana would say.

Some chug-a-lug gallons of it in the name of one failed diet plan or another.

But you know what? I adore cottage cheese. By itself. Plain. Sans adornment. No pretty posing for me. And straight out of the carton is best, and for no other reason than I really love to eat it.

Yes, I’m enamored of the cheesiest of dairy products.

Cottage cheese, allegedly so-named because it was first made at home, has claimed its rightful spot as the first cheese made in America. It’s a tad bitter, but somewhat sweet, and a little lumpy — probably because the manufacturing process involves vinegar, salt and — well, duh — naturally occurring curds in pasteurized milk, when the bitter stuff is added to the mix.

I’m a fan of pickles, olives and anything brined, so you can see the origin of my taste for this modest delicacy. But cottage cheese is so darn plain. And that, I do believe, is another reason I’m fond of it. Don’t have to battle anyone else for last dibs, you see.

Looking back, I think I formed my unusual attachment eons ago.

A babysitter used to bring it over for her lunch. Same reason I’m partial to Cream of Mushroom Soup. No, nothing fancy. Campbell’s will do.

And then there was the dad of a friend. He’d heard one of his kids call the stuff “college cheese.” So he, of course, upped the game, christening it “university cheese.”

But I think I would have slurped the stuff up even if it hadn’t been reborn with that renaming. And I’ll devour it anytime, anyplace.

Cottage cheese and steak for dinner? Side-by-side, and I alternate bites.

Scrambled eggs and cottage cheese for breakfast? Of course, but please don’t mix ’em together — dilutes the taste! I’ve been known, when groceries are running low at home, to just grab the container of cottage cheese from the fridge and bring that — yes, just that — for my lunch.

No lingonberries, kiwis, strawberries, tiny designer tomatoes, nor fancy nuts — just the cheese, please.

For some strange reason — or probably because I had some time on my hands — I did a simple online review.

Had just gotten to wondering about how others in the ethosphere regarded this modest comestible that thrills me beyond all sensible explanation.

So I did some Internet sleuthing. Comedians have weighed in on the subject. Even The Divine Miss M has had something to say. It’s not all flattering, but at least you can see it’s pretty interesting, considering the topic is, well, cottage cheese.

And so I bring you a definitive, but probably not complete, list that supports my love of a mushy, decidedly non-spicy, drab, and oh, so white contribution to the food pyramid. I’m calling it the following:

7 Reasons I Adore Cottage Cheese

• “One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date.” — George Carlin, comedian
• “Another afternoon: I’m unshaven, dishes are fermenting in the kitchen sink and my shirt smells like a teenage boy’s bedroom. There were no clean spoons around the house so I ate cottage cheese with a plastic tortoiseshell shoe horn that was lying next to the couch — so I guess I’ve hit a new personal low.” — Douglas Coupland, author
• [On Denmark:] “… that little country of cottage cheese and courage …” — Bette Midler, entertainer
• “The Middle Ages hangs over history’s belt like a beer belly. It is too late now for aerobic dancing or cottage cheese lunches to reduce the Middle Ages. History will have to wear size 48 shorts forever.” — Tom Robbins, author
• “I discovered, from observing the trash-basket outside her door, that her regular reading consisted of tabloids and travel folders and astrological charts; that she smoked an esoteric cigarette called Picayunes; survived on cottage cheese and Melba Toast; that her vari-colored hair was somewhat self-induced.” — Truman Capote, author
• “You can’t possibly fathom the ins and outs of a prepubescent beauty treatment until you’ve felt the strange but exhilarating tingle of a cottage-cheese-and-Pop-Rocks facial.” — Sloane Crosley, author
• “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.” — Mitch Hedberg, comedian

There you have it, folks.

And I didn’t pay any of these noted celebrities to shill on behalf of my beloved sour-milk, pot, and/or farm cheese — take your pick of seven possible synonyms, including “smearcase,” which is admittedly kinda weird. Actually, though, a Pennsylvania Dutch word for — wait for it — cottage cheese. I’ve never tried it on my face; nor have I considered naming it anything other than the moniker with which I’m familiar.

But I imagine I’d never eat cottage cheese, as much as I love it — nor any other food — in a mobile home during a tornado.