#Grimsby Hackney Writes Comedy
#7: I Applied To Join The MuddyUm Team, This Is What Happened.
Episode 7: Undercover Hackney.
Grimsby Hackney took a large gulp of beer from his glass and looked across the lake from a reclined position. The water was like glass, reflecting the beautiful dales and mountains in the distance. A brace of Grebe gently paddled towards a small island in the middle of the lake.
On the left-hand side of the lake, as Grimsby viewed it, was a substantial copse of deciduous trees, where the sound of cooing wood pigeons emanated. On a high limb of an ancient oak, a pair of red squirrels leapt and scrambled in pursuit of each other.
To the right of the lake a rolling meadow of succulent green grass, clover and a generous scattering of wildflowers, corn poppy, convallaria majlis and daisies. A snow-white ewe with two gambolling and cavorting lambs stopped briefly to stare at Grimsby.
Overhead a huge Red Kite soared and swooped, scanning the lake’s shoreline for voles and the meadow for coneys. For a brief moment the raptor blocked out the warming rays of the sun, two fluffy cumuli hung, unmoving in the crystal azure of the early afternoon sky.
“Do you want a top up Grimsby?”
Grimsby turned away from the scene of sheer stunning beauty before him to see Sassy 3000, holding a 568ml bottle of perfectly chilled Samuel Smiths Pure Brewed Organic Lager (5% ABV). Grimsby’s jaw dropped as his eyes fell upon Sassy.
“You’re not a robot anymore Sassy,” his voice almost in slow motion, “How can this be?”
“Don’t worry about that,” she replied and reached down to gently caress his cheek.
“But you’re naked. My god Sassy, you’re beautiful.”
Sassy smiled. She was so pretty, and youthful, her skin clear. Grimsby’s eyes feasted on her, the firm curve of her breasts, the flat, yet soft midriff. The reflected sunlight from the lake danced on her rounded hips and lithe thighs. Her eyes moved down and she raised an eyebrow. Grimsby looked down at himself and realised he was naked too.
She lowered herself to her knees on the soft grass of the lakeside, gently laid Grimsby back into his sun lounger, leaned toward him and they kissed softly, but with an electrified passion. Sassy’s hand glided down Grimsby’s solid pectorals, trundled over the stunning rack of his abdomen and wrapped her soft fingers around his lengthy, wide girthed tumescence.
Grimsby gasped.
“Fumar, Fumar, Fumar! Arthur’s Seat!”
Grimsby sighed under Sassy’s expert attention and looked up into the sky. The red kite seemed to fall out of existence. The fluffy clouds dissipated and the azure started to take on a magnolia tinge.
“Huele a tocino, Greyfriars Bobby!”
Grimsby, wide-eyed, quickly scanned his surrounding. He was back in the room that was provided the night before. He looked down and was just about able to see the back of Sassy’s head, over his massive fat gut, as she was holding the waistband of his pyjama bottoms open and staring at his below-average cock.
“Sassy, what are you doing?”
Sassy let go of Grimsby’s pyjamas and snapped upright.
“Errr, nothing.”
“Me ahogo, Me ahogo”
“What’s that noise, Sassy?”
“It’s that fucking Ann James again.”
Grimsby and Sassy went out into the reception foyer to find a flustered Krystal waving a tea towel at Ann James.
“I was only trying to cook a fried breakfast,” Krystal explained, “Why is it that these fucking smoke alarms are always too sensitive?”
Grimsby saw a broom leaning up against the wall, which had the words, “property of Smillew,” written in felt tip pen on the handle. He took the broom, swung it overhead and knocked Ann James off the ceiling.
“Tos, Tos, Tos, Freeeedoooom,” Ann James screamed one last time before letting out weird noises like Gollum off of Lord of the Rings. Grimsby brought the head of the broom down into Ann’s face. The top of her head opened up and a Duracell type 9 clattered out, she stopped moving and fell silent.
Grimsby threw down the broom, looked down at Ann James’ lifeless body and gave her one last kick in the head. “You ruined the best dream I ever had, you fucking bitch.”
Grimsby walked back to his room and Sassy watched him with what seemed like sadness, but it wasn’t, because she was a robot.
“Now what are we going to do for a smoke alarm?” Asked Krystal.
Just after a lunch of fish finger sandwiches and tea, Grimsby checked his Medium stats. So far this month he had earned $0.18 (£0.15 in real people money). “Not bad, considering I haven’t written anything remotely good for nearly four months.” He thought to himself.
A knock at the door.
“Come in, I’m decent.
The door opened and Annie Trevaskis entered the room.
“He’s ready to see you now Mr Hackney.”
“No need to be so formal Annie, you can call me Grimsby.”
“This is business Mr Hackney, you’ll have to wait until this is all over before you see a different character in me.”
“To be honest Annie, I think I already have.”
“Follow me.”
At the end of a long corridor, they arrived at a large steel sliding door. Annie stepped up and placed her left palm flat on a square pad on the wall next to the door. A bright green slice of light scanned her hand, and the door slid open with a gentle clunk.
“Go in,” Annie said, “He’s been expecting you.”
Grimsby entered the room. It was very large and all surfaces were brilliant white. On each side of the room were flashing computer banks. Two men in full-body, hooded, sterile paper suits with facemasks and polythene goloshes, were pressing various buttons on one of the computers and making notes on clipboards.
The back wall was one massive pane of curved glass. Seeing through the glass into what looked like an enormous warehouse, were people dressed in black head-to-toe military-type outfits and balaclavas. some were practising abseiling from the insanely high ceiling, others sparring with each other with martial art moves, and two others were experimenting with, what looked like, a prototype invisibility cloak. One person was practising stamping on a dummy version of one of Kristine Laco’s slapstick, lactating knockers.
Towards the back of the building, a group of people were working on some battle vehicles, adding extra armour. There were active metal grinders and someone welding, with sparks flying all over the place.
Before the glass was a large brilliant white desk that followed the observational wall’s curvature. Behind the desk was a large chair, with its back facing toward Grimsby. Just visible above the back of the chair was the top of, what can only be described as, a very jaunty-looking black hat. A beautifully manicured hand moved toward the left arm of the chair and pressed a button. The chair rotated 180° and revealed its occupant, a slender, suave-looking figure, dressed in all black, legs crossed with what looked to be a featherless, flightless bird of Southern hemisphere origin, perched on their knee. The bird regarded Grimsby. The bird really creeped Grimsby out.
The elegant hand raised the brim of the jaunty hat and, with a barely perceptible forward tip, they addressed Grimsby.
“Well hello there,” I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”
“Fucking hell, It’s Tai Le Grice. I’m so happy to meet you.” Grimsby gushed.
“That’s Mega Hinengaro to you.”
“What does that mean Tai, err I mean Mega Hinengaro?”
“Well that depends now doesn’t it, Mr Hackney? Did you use Google translate like a lazy fucker?”
Grimsby blushed. “Yes”.
“Well then, for the purpose of this shit little story, you will want it to be the Māori noun translation for ‘mind’ I imagine.”
“Yes, Mega Mind.”
“Not very imaginative,” Tai, err Mega Hinengaro observed, with a slight shudder, “I guess I can live with it. Anyway, I have a use for you, you insipid little comedy writer. You are going to go back to MuddyUm HQ and work for us undercover.”
“I can’t go back Mega Mind,” Grimsby protested, “Susan Brearley wants my balls in a freezer bag, and Hogan Torah wants to rip my spleen out.”
“No need to worry Grimsby, we will send you back with Sassy 3000. She has been reprogrammed to help you. She will tell them that someone installed a virus in her operating system and it was her that masterminded your escape. They will test her to make sure she’s telling the truth and we have installed a firewall so they won’t be able to detect that she is still working for us. She will tell them that you protested all the way and that you still desperately want to write for MuddyUm.”
“I’m not sure I want to write for them now. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if I ever did. I have to say though, wow, that’s a very clever plot mechanism Mega Mind, is that why you are called Mega Mind?”
“It was your idea you moron, remember? I don’t want to be lumbered with having thought of it”.
“OK.” Grimsby was starting to wonder whether he was on drugs at this moment in time.
“You will be taken for preparation by Annie now. She will tell you all you need to know.”
Tai pressed a button and Annie entered the room.
“Wait a moment Mega Mind, who are you people?”
“We are The Writers And Tale Tellers Society.”
Grimsby paused and thought for a moment. “T.W.A.T.T.S? You’re the TWATTS? Are you a TWATT Mega Mind?”
“That’s for you to decide Grimsby.”
Annie took Grimsby’s arm and started to lead him away.
“One more thing Mr Hackney,” Tai called after him, “Remember, you are the one.”