7 Early Warning Signs of Abuse
And why you need to leave when you see them
I try not to hold onto regret. When I can’t help but feel it, I make every effort to hold that regret tenderly. I did the best I could at the time. If I’d had more information and greater healing, I would have made different choices.
But from personal experience, I can share the early warning signs of abuse — the signs that mean it’s time to cut our losses and leave. I ignored them. Even though I have the education and training as a former mental health therapist, it was hard to acknowledge the fact that I was a victim of abuse — even to myself. The damage caused by months of intense emotional abuse is still something I’m healing from.
If I had known what was coming, I truly hope I would have left immediately. I believe that I would have. But I did what we do. I made excuses. I blamed myself. And I stayed.
7 Early Warning Signs of Abuse
There are early warning signs of abuse that we should never ignore. These are red-flag behaviors — not character flaws. When we see them, we need to take them seriously because we’re seeing signs of abuse entering the relationship.
Love Bombing
In the beginning, they go over the top to make us feel seen, loved, and valued. We might feel like it’s moving too fast, but they keep turning on the charm and pushing for exclusivity. We might feel like we’ve been swept off our feet. Think about that: If we’re swept off our feet, we’re unlikely to get up quick enough to run away.
That’s not romantic. It’s scary. Not every single love bomber becomes emotionally or physically abusive, but it can happen. I’ve been love bombed twice. In the first case, it did absolutely lead to emotional abuse. He moved fast because he didn’t want me to see who he really was. It was a part of getting me in the relationship in the first place, and it disappeared fast.
The second time it happened, it did successfully get me to commit earlier, but then he slowly began to withdraw. Before long, I was in a relationship that had promised a healthy, loving connection but then left me feeling alone and abandoned within it. Even though I doubt he intended to hurt me, it was still unhealthy to shower me with attention and then take it all away. Love bombing might seem flattering initially, but it’s a warning sign.
Making Jokes That Are Mean, Not Funny
Jokes that are mean-spirited aren’t funny. I have a wicked sense of humor, but it’s not at the expense of other people. I will laugh with others, never at them. But the man who spent months emotionally abusing me had a sense of humor that was often directed at me personally.
His jokes were meant to hurt, and they did. At the time, I told myself I was being too sensitive. Frankly, he told me — loudly and often — that I was being too sensitive. But I wasn’t.
Noticing a Different Persona with Friends
Another early warning sign I noticed is that the man I dated was a different person around his friends. The stories they told were unrecognizable to the man I thought I knew. But they knew the real version. I knew the version that simply wanted to secure the relationship.
We all have different versions of ourselves with different people, but in the case of emotional or even physical abuse, the version we’re seeing is completely different — and completely undesirable. If we don’t like who he is around his friends, we don’t actually like who he is. We’re also being manipulated because we don’t get that version — yet.
Criticizing Traits Intrinsic to Who You Are
On a memorable car ride, my ex enumerated my worst faults. Only they weren’t my worst faults. They were parts of who I am that I hold dear. Parts he used to say that he admired. When the tables turned, he had a lot to say about my character, personality, interests, and thoughts. None of it was good.
But if I had been paying attention before the emotional abuse started in earnest, he would slip in criticisms about who I am as a person. Not flaws I’m capable of changing. He would say it as if he was trying to be honest and to help me, but he was only trying to hurt me. That’s not help at all.
Showing Jealous/Possessive Behaviors
Another early warning sign is jealous or possessive behavior — or trying to make us have that reaction. In my case, he tried to show me messages from his ex to make me have a reaction. It was unnecessary and made me uncomfortable. But I’ve also known people who became abusive who started with a mile-wide jealous streak of their own.
Unfortunately, society has taught us that jealousy is a sign of caring when really, it’s a sign of poorly regulated emotions and a dangerous sense of possession over another human being. It’s not a cute look for anyone. It’s an early warning sign of abusive tendencies.
Controlling Tendencies
Even now, I have a hard time ignoring a text or phone call. During the regretted relationship, I would pay for not being immediately responsive or available. It didn’t matter if I was busy working or having a conversation. I was meant to drop everything and respond.
It wasn’t until I was in a new relationship years later that I realized the damage done. I would return calls with anxiety, apologizing that I missed them. I was prepared for my partner to be angry that I wasn’t available. It was only then I realized where I had formed that reaction.
Gaslighting
I consider myself an intelligent and well-adjusted person. I would call out many of these behaviors early on, and he would tell me that life and past partners had damaged me. I was too sensitive. I was overreacting. No one had ever loved me well, so I couldn’t recognize it.
But it wasn’t love. It was already abuse. This wasn’t just an early warning sign. It was happening. But I didn’t call it abuse. I believed that I was damaged. That’s what he needed me to believe so that I would stay.
Did You Know?
Almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively). (1)
Seven out of 10 psychologically abused women display symptoms of PTSD and/or depression. (2)
Recovering from Abuse
It’s been seven years since it happened — six since I could openly say that the relationship was emotionally abusive. It’s been a long, slow journey to healing. I wish sometimes that I could go back to the first sign and heed it. Why do we think we need more evidence when what we’re already seeing is terribly wrong?
I’m sure there are other signs of physical abuse. A tight grip that was excused as an accident. A shove later explained. There are always early warning signs.
I know that I’m not to blame for what happened. I didn’t know better — until I did. After that, it was just a matter of leaving, which I managed as soon as I was able.
I can’t change the past. What I can do is share what I know. This is my lived experience, and if it sounds familiar, I have a few things that need to be said.
- You’re not being too sensitive.
- You didn’t overreact.
- You are not damaged or unlovable.
- Love doesn’t try to hurt or control you.
- You deserve better.
I remind my younger self of this, and I hold regret tenderly. Then, I use my voice to share my lived experience so that someone out there feels a little less alone. I send out my hope to them for a safe escape from their abusive relationship.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, the following resources can help you develop a plan to get help and safely leave:
If you need more confirmation that the situation is harmful, the following articles break down emotional abuse, recognizing that you’re in an abusive relationship, and signs that your partner is controlling.
References
- Black, M.C., Basile, K.C., Breiding, M.J., Smith, S.G., Walters, M.L., Merrick, M.T., Chen, J., & Stevens, M.R. (2011). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Summary Report. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
- Pico-Alfonso, M., Garcia-Linares, I., Celda-Navarro, N., Blasco-Ros, C., Echeburua, E., & Martinez, M. (2006). The impact of physical, psychological, and sexual intimate male partner violence on women’s mental health: Depressive symptoms, posttraumatic stress disorder, state anxiety, and suicide. Journal of Women’s Health, 15(5), 599–611.