PERSONALITY DISORDERS

7 Destructive Traits People With Personality Disorders Exhibit In Relationships

Defence mechanisms are usually unconscious mental processes that enable the mind to resolve conflicts it is unable to otherwise. They conceal internal drives or feelings that threaten to lower self-esteem or provoke anxiety.

I’m diagnosed with a personality disorder and I decided to list out some of the psychological defence mechanisms commonly seen in these disorders that I had to work on or am still working on.

1. Projection & Projective Identification

Projection is displacing one’s feelings onto a different person. It is usually defensive and involves attributing one’s own unacceptable urges to another. Projective identification, on the other hand, is when an individual projects unwanted and subconscious emotions and qualities that are not acceptable to the self onto another person (projection) AND that person internalises these projections (identification).

People with personality disorders are hypervigilant and therefore ascribe all kinds of motives to you. They may think you’re trying to control them or you’re lying to them or you’re cheating on them even if you haven’t done any of these things. This is because based on their past trauma, they have expectations of how people will behave and they start interpreting everything you do as a possible sign that things may escalate and the same trauma may be repeated.

To give you an example, I had a situationship with this guy very briefly a few years back. He was super materialistic and clearly thought all women were gold diggers. He would openly brag about how much money he makes because he thought this would get women to chase him. I felt that because I am usually quite wary of people and remain cold and distant he was interpreting this as me not liking him and only being interested in his money. The problem was, it was quite apparent that even if I was warm and nice he would have made the assumption that it was coming from my interest in his money. So this is an example of projection — he was projecting his past experiences and his own materialism onto me.

He also seemed to take it even further in his relationships. He had a lot of kids from different women. Because he had abandonment issues, he was basically getting these women pregnant so they would become dependent on him and his money and therefore not be able to leave. But then he felt like they were using him for money even though he was the one creating that situation. This is an example of projective identification as he was basically forcing people to conform to his worldview.

2. Black & White Thinking

You will see a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality in people with personality disorders. They can be very nice to you and then when something sets them off suddenly they switch and start hating you. The more black and white they are the worse and more instantaneous the switch will be.

This also presents itself as Madonna Whore Complex. People with personality disorders have the tendency to see people as either Madonnas (good) or Whores (bad). Many also believe attachment, love and emotions are weaknesses. This is because they all have insecure attachment styles and when they like someone they are riddled with higher levels of anxieties and insecurities than the average person.

They tend to feel attraction towards people who exhibit bad girl/guy traits (whores) because badness is associated with strength. Once the person likes them, however, suddenly they are seen as Madonnas, who are good but dependent, weak and insecure. So due to their inflexible thinking, they cannot see you as anything in between. You are either liked and respected but seen as cold or evil at the same time, or you are devalued as nice and therefore weak.

3. Devaluation

People with personality disorders regulate their internal world by externalising. For instance, if they are concerned about success and there are other people who are more accomplished than them in the same room, they would feel insecure, whereas if they are the most successful one in the room, they would feel confident. Therefore, they often feel the need to devalue other people (their accomplishments, achievements, looks, etc) in general as they rely on this to feel good about themselves.

In my case, this manifested as me getting into the same competition with people I dated over and over again. We essentially played a game called “Who Cares Less”. Because I was very concerned about being strong and autonomous, it had to appear like I was the one who was the most indifferent in order to feel confident. So, projective identification played a part in this too — by being distant and not showing affection, I would make my partners feel insecure and then this would allow me to devalue them and make me feel more resilient in comparison. In other words, instead of acknowledging my insecurities, I would project them at the other person so they would have to deal with them instead.

After a lot of self-introspection, I realized it was stupid to even get into this competition. Relationships shouldn’t be a game and partners should care about each other equally. I am also not externalising to the same level anymore and no longer need the other person to be weaker and devalue them in order to feel strong or confident.

4. Victim Mentality

People with personality disorders almost always see themselves as the mistreated party — “victims”. The reason for this is because they externalise blame, which means when there is an argument, they only see what the other person did, yet do not acknowledge their own contribution. Even if they do, they think they should be excused and forgiven because they are quick to excuse and forgive themselves. This is because they usually have no or very little insight into how their behaviours affect others.

In the past, I thought everyone was against me and people were always trying to control me. I kept a record of all the wrongs done against me but I never stepped back and took a good look at what I did wrong to other people. This eventually turned me into a very resentful person.

Once I started to acknowledge my own contribution and understand other people more, I decided that victim mentality is a choice. Yeah, I had bad things happen to me but trauma happens to everyone and there are a lot of people who have been through things way worse than me like having to live in war zones, death camps or even just very poor countries. If they can survive these things, I figured I can get over my experiences too. So, I decided to feel more grateful for the good things in my life instead of focusing on the bad things.

5. Lack of Empathy & Selfishness

People with personality disorders lack empathy (some more than others) and this is apparent in situations where they are behaving badly and they either don’t notice or downplay the effect this has on other people.

For instance, in my relationships, I am still extremely concerned about the distance that needs to be kept between me and the other person. I do not like texting all the time — communication has to be spaced out. Especially in the past, if a partner texted me too much or asked questions that were normal but I found intrusive like ‘What are you up to today?’ I would get very defensive and hostile. So eventually they started to be very careful trying not to set me off by being too intrusive by accident.

Also, if they wanted some reassurance, I would feel annoyed and think ‘Why do I have to give anyone reassurance? People should reassure themselves as I do.’ Yet, I still expected them (even if unconsciously) to be understanding and tolerant of my trauma and bad behaviours without consideration for how this might affect them. In other words, in addition to lacking empathy, I was very selfish.

6. Lack of Communication

Another thing you can expect to see in people with personality disorders is their inability to communicate. This varies depending on which disorder they have and the severity of it but they don’t communicate their feelings very well, and they also jump to conclusions based on their reading of people without checking first that their assumptions are right. When they do communicate, it tends to be aggressive and hostile because they are very defensive.

So in my relationships, I had a lot of expectations but I would not communicate these to the other person. This was mainly because I didn’t want them to think I cared and use this to take advantage of or mistreat me. Regardless, I still expected them to be able to just know what to do without me saying anything. If I was complaining to my friends I would say ‘Well, shouldn’t he have known not to do that?’ and in reality, this was ridiculous — people cannot read your mind and just know what to do.

When I started understanding people more and trying to see things from their perspective, I stopped having such high expectations from them because I started recognising that they are also humans with their own problems.

7. Disproportional Reactions

People with personality disorders often react disproportionately to events and escalate every conflict. They are often hypervigilant and scan their environment carefully to find where they have been wronged or discriminated against. As a result, they end up ruining their relationships with everyone around them.

With this, I eventually learnt to take a step back and not react when I’m angry. I always say to myself I am angry but I can react tomorrow or next week — I don’t have to react right now. Then I try to imagine the other person’s perspective to reduce anger. This is because I realised most conflicts are simply communication issues and it is maybe 1 out of 10 situations only that deserve a reaction. Over time this has gotten easier to do but it takes a lot of practice.

What to Do If You’re Involved With Someone Who Has a Personality Disorder?

Unless it is someone who has become self-aware and has been working on themselves for a while, I believe leaving is your only option. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people especially because I have definitely seen major improvements in myself and I believe anyone can change. The problem is people change because they want to — not because someone has asked them to. No one asked me to change and I certainly wouldn’t have tried even if they had. It has to come from the person. It shouldn’t be you pressuring anyone into changing.

Also, even though I have changed, I’m not cured by any means and I don’t even know if it’s possible to change enough to be a fully functional person. Personality disorders are essentially arrested development — if you meet someone who has one and look close enough, you will see the child in there. And you have to take this child who is usually quite narcissistic (regardless of which disorder they have) and has a superiority complex, and somehow show them that their behaviour is destructive and not beneficial to them. And because it’s a child you’re dealing with, they have a very low capacity for self-introspection and therefore are very difficult to work with.

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