7 Corporatisms I never want to hear again
Because bullshit in corporate speak is even more excruciating than the garden variety
I don’t think you’re ready
Always said by some higher up who thinks that because they’re higher up, they know better than you. As though every step up the ladder of hierarchy equals a jump of 10 IQ points and the wisdom of Yoda. I’ve seen this said to multiple young, extremely talented and ambitious people whose energy should have been harnessed, not blocked. It’s the worst kind of power trip, because you’re holding them back purely on your own opinion. And then they have the nerve to be annoyed when they go to a company who recognises their talent, doubles their pay and increases their seniority. Here’s some advice: they already have a dad, save your parenting for your own kids.
It’s important to be vulnerable and bring your whole self to work
Always from people who will stick a dagger in your back the second it’s turned. A favourite of the Brene Brown loving, book of the moment reading corporate sycophant crowd. Isn’t it always the way that the person with the least amount of self awareness spouts this crap and tells you how important it is, while displaying absolutely none of it? Oh sure, I’ll open myself up to you and treat you like a friend, when everyone I know doesn’t have a nice thing to say about you and you have a reputation for screwing people over.
Add value
Blech, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Out of all the corporate BS, these two words feel like the most egregious. It’s a euphemism for “I don’t actually know what I’m talking about and thus can’t tell you anything specific.” If you can’t actually give meaningful advice, stop pretending and actually own up to it. It’s bad when a douchebag 24 year old “life coach” says it, when it’s said by a 40 something person in business to a young protege needing real guidance, it’s unforgivable.
Stakeholder
I get that this one is useful because it’s literal. Somebody who holds a stake in what you’re doing. But the amount of time it’s thrown around, it’s just one of those irritating terms that you know was borne from some senior executive who loved the sound of his own voice.
Influence
Oh. My. Fucking. God. This is the worst of the lot. Someone doesn’t do their part of a project? Well, you just didn’t influence them well enough. No one knows how good a job you do? You need to work on your influence. It’s one of those catch all words used by those above to let other people off the hook or minimise anything you’ve done. You can be hyper-competent, but if those higher up the food chain than you are the types that have risen through being in the right place at the right time or having the right connections, this word will always be used to act like you don’t deserve anything.
Disruption
Jesus, the amount of leaders that bleat on about this word without actually grasping what it means blows my mind. Almost every time I’ve heard it espoused with the examples they give it’s just like “no, no that’s not what it means at all.” But we live in an age where we always have to be on the bandwagon of what’s new and shiny, and so you have to wow the rank and file with said new and shiny. Guess what? They all think you’re an idiot. That leads us to…
Mission, vision or values
For God’s sake, no one in your company believes or buys into any of this crap. Most rank and file just want to be left alone to do their work. If they’re lucky, they find meaning in their job and what they achieve in it, they don’t need an added layer of bullshit on top to feel good about it. If they already dislike their job, that layer of bullshit is just going to piss them off even further.
So to all the leaders, ladder climbers and sycophants out there in the business world, with 2020 around the corner we the little people beg of you, stop spewing this utter bullshit and talk like a normal person. Listening to it is like hearing nails down a chalkboard.
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