The Best Quotes from the Weirdest Open Carry Story in the Lone Star State
Starting on January 1, citizens of my very own state of Texas can wear weapons on their bodies unabashedly, because I guess that’s what it’s come to. News outlets are writing lots of stories about the new law, though no one has picked up my idea entitled “Texans now allowed to wear mutilated corpses strapped to body in baby bjorns” because satire is dead and also I forgot to write it. Anyhow, a lady by the name of Anna M. Tinsley, writing for the Fort Worth Star Telegram, actually spent never-to-be-experienced-again moments of her life writing a story entitled “Open carry in Texas after Jan 1: chance for fashion statement?” There are two possibilities here.
- An editor asked her to do it, and she sat down at her computer to g-chat her friends about how her life got to this point. “I mean, I got into journalism because I wanted to write something that made a difference, now look at me,” she said dejectedly.
- Or, it was her idea and she congratulated herself in the mirror after she wrote it. “What an interesting take on guns in America, Tin-Tin,” she said, as she held her thumb in front of her face as evidence that it was, indeed, a thumbs-up kind of idea.
Either way it’s sad. And sad things are funny. I know I’m laughing. Here are the lines that really demonstrate the unflinchingly bizarre culture of open carry people.
“This isn’t your grandpa’s old gun holster — or gun, for that matter.”
Um, yeah, cause my grandpa only shot guns around a fire when he was drunk because he had a little thing called dignity. Dignity was the name of this gun.
“Many of today’s guns and holsters, which a number of Texans are on the verge of openly carrying as of Jan. 1, display carvings and decorations, designs such as flags, even sayings such as “Don’t tread on me.” And some are intended specifically to appeal to women.”
I’m going to flex my marketer muscles here and guess that the ones etched with President Obama’s face aren’t the highest seller.
“Fashion is important to women,” said Carrie Lightfoot, owner of The Well Armed Woman, an Arizona-based online company. “It’s part of who we are. Look at our homes and cars.”
I WILL NOT FUCKING LOOK AT YOUR HOMES AND CARS GODDAMMIT CARRIE LIGHTFOOT I HAVE WORK TO DO.
“Women, we like pretty things.”
You know, like mason jars and potpourri and a murder machine that you can put in your pants and swing around to terrify children.
“But don’t think for one minute that a holster or gun decorated in anything from leopard-print to camouflage means that the woman carrying it isn’t serious about using it.”
Certainly not! Trust me, babe, it could be covered in pink dildos and I would still think that person would use it, though I might guess she wouldn’t be a very good shot. Cause you know… her boobs would probably get in the way.
“In the past year, women who bought guns spent nearly $900 on a firearm — and more than $400 on accessories. They say they buy items based on practicality, fit and quality.”
They say that, but you can’t really trust a woman — gun or not.
“And most of the women say these aren’t impulse buys, but something they’ve studied for a while, potentially months.”
See what I mean?
“For many years, the holster needs of many women simply weren’t being met, Lightfoot said.”
I, for one, can completely agree with this statement. For a time, I was concerning myself with matters like my male coworkers in the same job making more than me, but then I had to get serious. You have to be like, “Look, I’ve only got so much fighting power and if I can’t get a bluebonnet holding a baby bluebonnet on my fucking holster than what am I doing in life??”
“Gun-owning people are very patriotic people,” Lightfoot said. “With a presidential election coming up, the violence in Paris, and gun sales on Black Friday being the greatest, we see people leaning toward the Old Glory pattern.”
So, not only does this article keep calling the American flag Old Glory for whatever the shit-ass reason, the lady quoted is relating its popularity to three things: The presidential election, the attacks in Paris and Black Friday??? Lol, I can’t get my wits about me enough to make all of the fun I need to.
“There are people who will do flames or zombie apocalypse, … but also pretty things,” Coburn said.”
Naturally.