6 Years As a Single Father- A Nontypical Case Study

How some men are empowered by their abundance of feminism

Things weren’t working out for months, maybe years.

We tried every day, but something was lost. Love was lost. Now we just manage things as friends in the same home, with two little kids.

Our intimacy was gone.

Was it my fault? Her’s?

Doesn’t matter.

It was time to take action. We couldn’t live in that suffocation anymore. It was the hardest decision in our lives. But we knew we had to do it before it was too late.

Kids were happy because they knew they would have two houses, rather than one. They were too young to understand the pain. And the hard adaptations.

6 and 4 years old is an age that you don’t understand the depth pain of a divorce. It’s just a funny process of seeing your father going to a new home. A new adventure.

About the first days alone, at a new home? Probably the loneliest days of your life. But you get used to it.

You try to find new routines, while your wounds are healing. You know that the first 6 months are gonna be tough, but time will have to pass, for you to start to feel better.

Then one day, suddenly, you start to feel the same sensations you did before you were married. Some freedom. Much more time for yourself.

But always with the challenge of having your daughters 2 weeks a month.

Studies say single fathers are more likely to find social isolation:

“What is particularly striking about our study findings is the social isolation factor; single fathers are less likely to have relationships and connections within and between social networks that would work to enhance their health, productivity, and well-being,” says Maria Chiu, lead author, and scientist at ICES and assistant professor at the University of Toronto.

Interestingly, I didn’t experience any of these symptoms.

Actually, I found happiness again, just after the painful process of a divorce.

Let me tell you how.

If It Seems Like It’s More Fun Being a Dad Than a Mom, That’s Because It Is

Moms have always had an ancestral burden of being the ones that carry all the hard responsibilities.

And somehow it is still a reality.

Dads didn't have the learning process of seeing their fathers do all the hard work at home. That was Mom's work.

But when you see yourself alone at home, you start to feel the hardness of homework on your skin, while you have to pay attention to your daughters with their studies. All at the same time.

You think for yourself: Jesus Mom, know I understand why you were in a bad mood so many times.

In the past, parents would come home, sit in front of the TV, and wait for the food tray to fly over until it landed on their lap.

And we, as kids, grew up with that image in our minds. That was the reality. Period.

What about now, Dads?

Now we have to go to the supermarket, buy all the ingredients, prepare a good meal while helping the oldest to do math homework, and playing Lego with the youngest on the kitchen floor, all at the same time.

Multitasking rocks!

Then you sit at the dinner table with your daughters, talking about who their day was, still with the apron on.

After, just after you put them to bed, you’ll have that tiny little space of time to be on the sofa in front of the TV.

Feels like a terror movie, right?

Well, to be honest, it’s just hard in the first months.

To be even more honest with you, I think Dads enjoy parenthood more.

Let me start with the scientific evidence.

There’s a solid body of evidence to make the case that mothers report “less happiness, more stress, and greater fatigue” during the time they spend with children than fathers do, as Cornell University’s Kelly Musick reported in a 2016 study published in the American Sociological Review.

This seems to put Dads in a better position to win this challenge. But I think that’s not true. There are several misjudgments that must be clarified:

• There are more flexible and more realistic models of what it means to be “a good dad” as compared to “a good mom.”;
• Mothers tend to spend more of their time with their kids taking care of the hands-on, hard work of parenting;
• Mothers have less leisure time than fathers do — roughly half an hour less per day on average. To make matters worse, they get less out of that leisure time.

The existence of multiple acceptable models may make Dads less susceptible to role strain and difficult-to-meet social expectations and leave more room for enjoyment.

Moms don’t have that luxury. They keep feeling the pressure of society on doing the Mother’s work. If Moms are seen having fun in a bar or a party, whatever the situation is, social observers are always gonna judge them: Shouldn’t you be at home, taking care of your kids?

Learning New Somethings, New Someones, and New Somewheres

After thousands of years of women being subjugated and mistreated, finally, global society makes justice to women’s rights. A long way to go, but a lot was already conquered.

Somehow, we are in an era of shifting.

If I compare myself with my father, lots of things I do now, my father wouldn’t do 30 years ago. Any father wouldn't do.

And that’s a good thing. I am divorced, but I have a good relationship with my ex-wife. And I help her all the time with my daughters.

I feel we have the same responsibility.

And sometimes, I even feel I have to do more because I have this burden of knowing that millions of women didn’t have the privilege of freedom, of happiness, of fulfillment.

Men have to do much more, be much better, and still, it will never be enough to compensate for the damage.

Yet, in this new journey where I’m trying to be a better man, a better father, a better ex-husband, I feel that I’m finding good things in my own self.

I think there’s a kind of curiosity about everything I do. I want to search for new worlds, like a 6-year-old kid.

Michael Thompson said it all:

Life isn’t about being the smartest person in the room. Nor is it about being the strongest or the fastest. It’s about learning a new something, meeting a new someone and seeing a new somewhere. In short, it’s about treating your curiosity as your primary responsibility.

I find myself enjoying the supermarket, after a hard-working day.

I find myself loving to watch my youngest daughter ballet class.

I find myself be proud of hearing other parents coming toward me, saying my two daughters are very balanced and happy girls.

A divorce doesn’t have to be a nightmare. It’s a tough moment, a kick in the stomach, of course.

However, if you love life, more than you love yourself, you’ll manage it the right way.

You’ll find yourself doing the right things, respecting and forgiving.

By forgiving, you’ll feel freedom. Absolutely freedom.

With freedom, you will find love.

And love, the absolute one, is the ultimate place where you want to be.

Thank you

Nuno