6 Ways to Get Better at Saying No Even if You Don’t Strictly Need To

When it is easier to just say yes.

I wouldn’t say I’m a people-pleaser. But when I’m not careful, I tend to agree to requests without thinking them through.

I say yes even if I’m already overtaxed. That’s how I lose afternoons and weekends to doing people favors.

My default assumption is that I can do anything. There’s arrogance in this, or at least misplaced confidence: on some level, I still see myself as a carefree twenty-something with tons of time to spare. That’s why I tend to stretch myself too thin.

I’m trying to be more mindful about turning down requests that aren’t fair or aren’t worth my time.

And I’ve been thinking of how to get better at saying no in general. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

1. Don’t indulge in rationalizations.

Nobody wants to feel like a doormat. You’re probably aware that successful people say no more often. You know that’s what you should be doing too.

But all this awareness just makes it harder to admit when you have a problem with saying no.

I keep falling into rationalizations about it. There are times when I know I agreed to too many obligations, but I’ll brush it off and explain it away. “Eh, does it matter that much? It’s easier to get it done than make things awkward. It’s going to be a valuable experience. It’s basically what I wanted to do anyway.”

The truth is? Yeah, it does matter that much. And not every valuable experience is worth the trouble. Sometimes, it’s better to just rest and do nothing at all.

2. Realize that saying no is objectively useful.

It’s not just about guarding your time and energy. Saying no is useful for its own sake.

Both in your professional and personal life, you’re better off when you know who you’re dealing with. If someone overreacts because you don’t immediately bend to their whims — well, then you’re better off without them.

Having firm boundaries strengthens relationships. It helps you filter out people who aren’t worth it.

3. Start developing a habit of saying no.

Saying no takes practice. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easily.

If you’re feeling nervous about it, it helps to create a little script. Write down how you plan to say no, and say it out loud to yourself. You can even record yourself and watch it a few times.

You may feel a little silly in the process. That’s normal. Lots of people struggle with setting boundaries of any kind, but we can all get better at it if we put in the work.

4. Don’t overthink it.

There are plenty of ways to say no.

Some people prefer to keep it simple: “Nope, can’t help you, sorry.”

Others like to soften the punch. “I’m so busy these days, I’d love to help but I don’t think I can manage it right now. Good luck though!”

Both approaches are fine. The exact phrasing doesn’t matter too much.

If people want to accept your no, they will. If they want to argue, they’ll find ways to do so anyway. It doesn’t matter how firm you’re being if someone insists on being an asshole.

I know that the standard advice is not to explain yourself. But that might just make you feel more anxious and awkward about the whole thing.

Just do whatever feels natural to you. I like giving a brief explanation, as it helps the conversation continue more smoothly afterward.

Some more phrases that are handy in any situation:

• Sorry, I have too much on my plate.
• That must be hard. But I can’t help, sorry.
• I’m happy to listen but I can’t do more than that right now.

5. Stick to your guns.

Sometimes, the other person will try to change your mind. They’ll wheedle and try to come up with counter-arguments.

Psychologist Christine L. Carter recommends the following approach:

“If your “no” isn’t accepted with grace, persist. Repeat your point calmly, using the same words. This will help the other person see that you are sticking to your no, and that their pestering isn’t changing your answer. If that doesn’t work, and you need something else to say, express empathy. For example, say, “I understand that you are in a tough spot here,” or, “I know this is hard for you to accept.”

As a dad, I find this advice hilarious. It’s exactly how I dealt with my kids when they were tiny and they really, really wanted something.

If someone is juvenile enough to persistently ignore your no, demote them to a toddler. Say no repeatedly, let them know you understand their feelings… and don’t budge.

6. Feel free to lie your ass off.

If you need a random internet guy’s permission to tell a white lie, you have it. Making shit up can be the easiest option sometimes.

Just don’t get too elaborate about it. Complicated lies are stressful, and you’ll be embarrassed if you get caught in a contradiction.

Stick to the basics: you’ve got family obligations, you’re feeling a bit sick, work is crazy right now, whatever.

There’s No Downside to Setting Boundaries

Paulo Coelho once said: “If you must say yes, say it with an open heart. If you must say no, say it without fear.”

I love this motto. But the thing is, I’m never afraid of saying no. If something is being rude or demanding, I’m fine with telling them to fuck off.

It’s just easier to say yes. It’s a habit and also an ego trip. But I can’t be open-hearted (cheerful, fully committed, etc.) about extra obligations when I’m already dealing with so much.

So instead of saying yes and resenting the requester for it after, I’m going to default to no for a while. I hope I’ll find a good balance in time.