6 Ways My Relative Is Unintentionally Sabotaging His Childrens Potential.

Here’s how he can fix it.

I've seen it too many times. I never said anything, but just silently observed.

He isn't necessarily a bad person, however, it’s clear that he needs a lesson on properly raising children.

I've just made a short list of the things he unintentionally does that negatively affect his kids. Together with that, we’ll also explore some solutions that he can implement.

Hopefully the points I make might ring a bell in your mind and help you along your parenting journey.

Let’s cut to the chase and start with the all too familiar school.

1: Far Too Much Emphasis on School.

I don't doubt for a second that school is important. However, that said, there needs to be a balance. The truth is that school teaches us a lot of information and we should be grateful.

However, vital life skills are very briefly touched upon. At times, they’re simply ignored and pushed under the rug.

These can include:

• Handling and managing money.
• Working with your emotions and building mental strength to overcome obstacles in life.
• Starting a business.
• Channelizing your passions, ambitions, and capabilities to find ourselves some direction.
• Managing Relationships and understanding how they affect our lives.

To further this point, I found an interesting point made by Liam Mesco from Port Press.

“There are not many classes that teach us the skills necessary for life outside of school. The only classes I can think of that fit this description are Home Economics and Financial Literacy, both of which teach us how to manage money and handle various situations”.

Says Mesco.

We know this, however, parents should take on the challenge to give their children additional learning outside school and homework.

This is something my relative just doesn't understand. I've never seen him take the time to help his children develop as individuals, outside school.

School is significant. However, for the most part, school is designed to create more workers, and it doesn't always have a child’s future in its best interest.

It's the job of the parents to prioritize extracurricular activities outside school. This helps broaden a child’s emotional and intellectual horizons, allowing them to contribute positively in the development for a better society.

So How Can He Fix This?

• Simply by scheduling other extra circular activities, perhaps on the weekend or after school. These activities can include, money management activities, a car boot sale, business fundamentals, crypto and so much more. All whilst ensuring that these activities are fun and refreshing for his kids.
• Giving them the space to self-educate and learn independently. Allowing them to find information on their own. This helps them figure out the learning patterns they’re comfortable with.
• Work on a long-term project that they are passionate about. Teaching consistency by doing little bit of a project every day. This helps them strategize, engage in long term project planning as well as realize the importance of being consistent and persistent on one thing.

2: Catastrophizing Their Futures Using Their Weaknesses.

Each of one us has some form of weakness coupled with a unique strength. The same goes for every child, they're never born perfect. Their traits, attributes and skills need to be developed, and they have a lifetime to do that.

However, to say that a child's life is destroyed because of a weakness is stupidity. In reality, it might not even be a weakness, but rather an undeveloped skill.

For example:

Just because my cousin isn't that great at math, doesn't mean his doomed for life and will never achieve anything significant. On the contrary, he's a genius at English and Art.

His handwriting literally looks like an art piece in itself, i would find it hard to believe that his writing was human. Never have I witnessed such beautiful writing.

I can say for sure that if he spent time focusing on this strength, it could develop into a fruitful career that would take him places. Much further than solely relying on his father's expectations and agenda.

So How Can He Fix This?

• Take that first step to notice their strengths. Prioritizing them, whilst working on their weaknesses simultaneously.
• Leaning to embrace their weaknesses as part of their individuality.
• Understanding that their weaknesses don't make them incompetent at living life and attaining success.
• Learning to emphasize and prioritize a child's strengths instead of their weaknesses. By focusing on their natural strength, they have a solid chance at maxing out their potential.

3: Never Giving Them Responsibilities and Instilling Them With Life Skills.

Kids and responsibilities? Yes, it is necessary. They need to understand what it's like to be an adult at some point. It's always wise to start them off early, which in turn helps them manage their expectations for adulthood.

That said, my uncle is simply happy to have them sitting in their room studying or playing games all day, instead of setting time aside to prioritize exposure to real world circumstances like jobs, clubs, and activities.

Something as simple as going to the shops, travelling by bus and helping them solve problems on their own can go a long way in their development. Something school can never achieve on its own.

More than responsibilities, children also need a taste of accountability and develop the discipline of it. Especially true according to James Lehman from empowingparents.com

“Many parents either don’t hold their kids accountable or don’t follow through on the consequences once they set them, which in turn just promotes more irresponsibility.”

Says Lehman.

Reasonable consequences should surely follow if the child doesn't make the effort to adhere to their responsibilities and be accountable.

Making them realize the importance of exactly why they are given responsibilities can help them have a better perspective on the situation. He also mentions bold and clear that

“Accountability Must Be Enforced.”

Says Lehman.

This is very true in my observation, especially with older children. At times messages need to be told with firm but fair assertiveness.

Too much comfort and putting them in a safe bubble, never gives them a reason to step out. This limits their potential, and they never fully grasp what they're capable of.

So How Can He Fix This?

• He should Start with small little responsibilities and supervise them doing the activity. Just be quiet and observe.
• Allow them to make their own decisions, give them space to learn what is right and wrong for themselves.
• Where necessary, gently correct them and make sure he explains his rationale so that they understand exactly WHY they need correction.

4: Using Fear To Control Them or To Get Them To Follow His Agenda.

I feel that this is one of the worst.

“If you don't do this, I'll take this away from you.”

Said my relative.

This is wrong, because, learning should never come out of fear but from a place of inspiration.

Let me set this straight and say that, fear causes emotional disturbances. When a child is emotionally disturbed, it's very difficult for them to engage in anything unless it's addressed and resolved. So using fear and aggression just makes the problem bigger instead of actually solving it.

I say this because I’ve experienced it as a child, with learning difficulties, that is.

He would often shout at them and name call them when they don't get something right. He would think that something is mentally wrong with them, which is foolish.

So How Can He Fix This?

• He needs to question whether or not his agenda is really in their best interest. If his children follow his agenda and expectations, will it bring them long-term happiness and growth?
• Allow them to find self-motivation. His kids need to realize the importance of what they're doing. That can only come from introspection. There might be a clash between his motivations and their motivations. Alignment is very important.
• When teaching, he needs to use technique and repetition. Raising his voice is a waste of time.

5: Not Getting to the Root of the Problem, Trying To Fix Them Symptoms Instead.

Especially when it comes to learning. It's not that there’s something wrong with them, but rather they just don't match your teaching style.

My relative would often use force and shout in order to get something in their head, without digging deep and questioning his teaching style. It takes some level of humility to know that you don't know a damn thing, but that's how we grow.

Not only that, but a child might also have emotional blocks and need emotional mentoring. They might be dealing with anger or sadness that is blocking them from properly learning and engaging in activities.

It's important to get to the root cause of a child's struggle, it’s almost always something we never expected, but it can make a huge difference.

Emotional blocks certainly hindered my learning experience when i was a child. It definitely spilled over to my academic performance.

So How Can He Fix This?

• Emotional support should come before intellectual support.
• Gently and calmly, find out exactly what is disturbing them. It’s not always obvious or what we expected, but it might be the root cause of their problem. Dig deep and ask questions.
• Leave fear at the door and invite openness and honesty. It takes a great deal of trust to allow his children to be vulnerable and open up about their problems.

6: The Golden Child and the Hated One.

This one honestly makes me sick. Just because one of them is academically accomplished, it doesn't mean they should get special treatment.

When the “golden” one would do something, he would never face a consequence. On the contrary, when “hated” one would do something, it would be disastrous. This is wrong.

I suppose “hated” might be rephrased as the “scape goat”, this normally found in narcistic family dynamics.

More over according to Julie L. Hall (author of The Narcissist Family Files Blog) from the HuffPost.

“The scapegoat is the cause of all the ills of the family, and the golden child is exalted, lavished with attention and praise.”

Says Hall.

This clearly explains the dynamic that I see between my relative and his kids, I'm sure we can all agree that it’s totally toxic.

In my observation, what's worse is. The scapegoat got everything taken away from them because apparently, he doesn't deserve it, since he has academic difficulties.

Making him think that:

My parents clearly don't value me, therefore, the world won’t value me. Why should i bother even trying?

However, it's not just the scapegoat, but even the golden child gets affected as a result of this dynamic.

“For some people, it’s forever. Every role in the narcissist family takes a beating.”

Also says Hall.

This is clear that nobody escapes in this dynamic. Its something my relative is caught up in and his kids are affected as a result, though it has gotten a little better over the years and it makes feel at ease.

To flourish, both children need an equal chance at excelling, privileges should never be one sided. If they are, it should be thoroughly justified.

So How Can He Fix This?

• Realizing that just because one of his children doesn't fit his “desired criteria” doesn't mean that they don't have equal value.
• Understanding that both of his children having something valuable to contribute to the world, which is why they are the way they are. They're designed to accomplish a specific mission that is unique to them.
• Make both his children aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses, and why they are special in their own way. This removes enemity and negativity between them, which allows them to support each other.

Closing Notes

Amongst the plethora of observations, these are the ones that really stuck out to me. Of course, my relative also has good traits which I respect him for, the above points are just certain aspect that I feel he could improve on.

I wrote this story because I feel that a lot of problems in society could be solved if children are raised correctly. I say this because I work in youth custody, and children end up there largely as a result of their home environment.

I'm no expert, but I feel it's my duty to bring this to light, since children deserve a bright future. They deserve to live a life that is fulfilling to them in every way.

I'm glad that I'm playing a part in that, even if it's the tiniest part.

Furthermore, I hope you can take something away from this story. For every problem, I've included an actionable solution along with a rationale in why I feel it's important.

I'd love to know your thoughts and experiences in the responses.

Thank you.