6 Unusual Things I Inherited From My Father’s Toxic World
The unseen wounds that haunt our adulthood
Whatever a child grows up seeing, it becomes normal for them. We hardly ever question our childhood beliefs.
For example, take the Kreung tribe of Cambodia. The Kreung people make special huts for their teenage daughters to use for spending time with different boys until they find the right partner.
If a girl becomes pregnant, the boy she picks has to be the father, but if he doesn’t want to marry her, the family tries to find someone else to be the dad.
It’s normal for them, but for a person outside, it’s way beyond normal.
For people who were born in the early 18th century in the US, slavery was normal. If someone said that they were against slavery, they would be against the law, the Constitution, the Bible, their parents, their teachers, their neighbors, and everyone else.
Similarly, my father was a product of his environment. He was born in a small village on the outskirts of Haryana, India, and whatever traits I see as an adult in my father, I see them in almost every person who’s 15–20 years older than me in that village.
My father and my father’s whole family, including his brothers, sisters, and their children, are the proof that people become who they are because of their environment.
You can normalize any behavior for a child.
My grandma died when my father was just 4 years old. And the only woman in their house was my 8-year-old aunt. My father grew up in an environment, where:
- Violence was the only means to resolve anything.
- No one ever expressed any emotions.
- Women had no respect.
- Everyone would try to frighten their wives by saying they’re going to commit suicide today.
- Everyone was abusive and used to beat their wives and children.
- Everyone would stop talking for months on the slightest argument.
- The only woman who got fair treatment in the house was the daughter, as she was their family, but women who married the men in the house were disrespected and mistreated every day.
So, my father had this environment deeply grained in him, and even my sister and I couldn’t escape it fully as we also grew up in the same environment.
1. The Unseen Wounds That Haunt Our Adulthood
Our generations have suffered from small-T traumas. Little t trauma refers to events that typically don’t involve violence or disaster, but do create significant distress.
Dr. Gabor Mate explains it well, “You can wound a kid not only by doing bad things to them but by also not meeting their needs”.
I have read enough books and seen enough life to know that my father longed for love in his own toxic ways. He used to stop talking to my mother and us, hoping that our efforts to persuade him would make him feel valued and loved.
I had acquired his traits in early childhood.
I was a temperamental child; whenever things didn’t go my way with my cousins, I would stop talking to them. I used to break things and shout through my guts.
However, I realized the faults in my behavior by observing my friends, reading, and exposure to a wealth of information in the Internet age.
Initially, I had to pretend a lot to be someone I was not, as values that you acquire subconsciously during childhood are almost impossible to get rid of.
Even when I met my wife at 18, I was set in my ways. She is the one who gets credit for showing me how love can change someone. Observing our relationship and my father’s behavior, I realized that love is the only driving force in this world.
Even animals long for it. We work hard to earn money to earn love from our loved ones. Love gives us a feeling of happiness. We don’t go much against societal norms because we think people would start hating us.
A smiling face across the road makes us feel loveable and happy.
The worst thing someone has to face in this world is feeling unlovable. Children who do not get this warm feeling in childhood will always find it hard to believe they can be loved.
There is no greater loneliness than feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved.
2. The Power of Trauma-Informed Perspective
Have you ever experienced that once we have information about a certain topic, especially human behavior, we try to measure everyone around those values?
Like, back in school, when we found out how babies are made, it was like a total mind-bender. You’re staring at all these adults, especially the ones you admire, and thinking, “Nah, they can’t possibly have done the whole baby-making dance. That’s just too weird!”.
But then, you glance at their kids, and it’s like, “Oh, okay, yeah, they definitely did the thing.” It’s like trying to wrap your head around the fact that superheroes have to do their laundry — it just seems surprising at first!
The same thing happens when you learn about trauma.
You start processing cues and signs with the information you acquired, and suddenly, you find out that everyone is traumatized one way or the other.
Slowly, you can identify why people behave as they do by pinpointing the underlying reasons. It’s like finally having answers to the puzzle — Why people are the way they are?
The healthy man does not torture others — generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers.―C.G. Jung
3. The Unspoken War
Pride and ego can be detrimental to relationships. In my father’s family, there’s a strong sense of pride that makes them self-centered. Small issues would make my father overly egoistic, he often forgets he is a human too.
During those times, he would stop talking to everyone and even refrain from eating for days.
It’s common for people to express anger, but when we tried to convince him to eat, he wouldn’t listen. I remember my mother saying, ‘Please eat, or you might get sick.’
His response was confident, claiming he wouldn’t get sick even if he didn’t eat for a month. Once, he went without eating for 8 days, and on the eighth day, he struggled to walk, holding onto walls and doors.
I was young then and couldn’t tell if he was genuinely unwell or seeking attention. There were instances when he didn’t speak to me for six months, and it was always us who had to initiate conversations.
I still wonder how miserable a person makes himself when he can live happily and peacefully. But some people just can’t choose peace and love over chaos and hate.
Six years ago, my parents had a heated argument; since then, they haven’t spoken.
My mother was the first one who tried to make amends for her entire life, but it only lasted for about 15 days before another issue arose.
Although she takes care of his basic needs, they communicate through me. Relatives have tried to intervene, but my mother doesn’t want to live through the toxic situation again. I also support my mother’s choice, as I fear history will repeat itself after a brief period of peace.
4. Tracing the Roots of Disrespect in Relationships
I grew up to be someone who wanted to talk to women but had no respect for them once I got into a relationship. I had also done the same thing as my father in several relationships. I would go silent when my girlfriend tried to make amends.
I misbehaved with my mother, shouted at my sister, and always tried to force my decisions on them, and there’s nothing I regret deeply than this. But that’s what I grew up seeing. It was normal behavior for me.
As I turned into an adult from a teenager, my beliefs were constantly getting updated by books, people, and observation. But one day, I read this verse from an ancient Sage called Manu.
शोचन्ति जामयो यत्र विनश्यत्याशु तत् कुलम् । न शोचन्ति तु यत्रैता वर्धते तद् हि सर्वदा ॥ — Manusmriti 3.57
Transliteration of Sanskrit to English: śocanti jāmayo yatra vinaśyatyāśu tat kulam | na śocanti tu yatraitā vardhate tad hi sarvadā
Translation:
“Where the female relations live in grief, the family soon wholly perishes; but that family where they are not unhappy ever prospers.”
I started thinking about a verse and decided to test its relevance in families around me. I observed that it held, particularly in my mother’s and father’s families. Back in the day, most Indians were farmers, including my maternal and paternal grandfathers.
Looking at my father’s family, which had been established 600 years ago, despite having six sons and more help on the farm, they remained poor, with limited land.
On the other hand, my mother’s family arrived in India in 1947 during the India-Pakistan partition with nothing but clothes on their backs and a water vessel.
The government provided them with a small piece of land. Gradually, my grandfather managed to buy more land, even with only three sons, to work in the fields. Today, my maternal uncles have a successful business.
In my father’s family, there’s no money, no peace, and relationships are strained. Two brothers passed away, and two of my uncle’s wives committed suicide before I was born. The remaining people don’t like each other.
In contrast, my mother’s family is thriving, and happy, and they still live together. Afterward, I tested this verse on many other families, and it still proved to be true.
I am glad I didn’t stay in the village as my father had a job in the city, so he moved out when he was young.
There’s another verse from the same book that I’d like to share.
यत्र नार्यस्तु पूज्यन्ते रमन्ते तत्र देवता:। यत्रैतास्तु न पूज्यन्ते सर्वास्तत्राफला: क्रिया:।। — Manusmriti 3.56
Transliteration of Sanskrit to English: yatra nāryas tu pūjyante ramante tatra devatāḥ yatra etās tu na pūjyante sarvās tatrāphalāḥ kriyāḥ
Translation:
“Where women are honored, there the gods are pleased; but where they are not honored, no sacred rite yields rewards.”
It was hard to change my perspective, but several books, people, and the environment have helped me to get rid of the ugly mindset.
5. The Lingering Effects of Learned Violence
From a young age, I witnessed my father choosing violence as a way to solve problems. His aggression affected my mother to the point that she didn’t realize she wasn’t treating us well during our childhood.
Now, she regrets not knowing better about raising kids. Her life story is more complex than ours.
Growing up in this environment, I learned that one is allowed to suppress and resort to violence against the weaker ones.
My cousin’s sister’s kids used to stay with us when she went to work. Because my sister lived separately from her in-laws, no one else was there to look after her children while she was away on her job.
So, my mother took on that responsibility. I was 15 years old, and I loved her kids. And yet I would often threaten to slap my 3-year-old nephew when he didn’t listen to me.
My default phrase in various situations was, ‘I will teach you a lesson,’ as I dramatically raised my hand, implying that my idea of teaching involved a good old beating.
While I easily get angry, I’m actively trying to learn how to stay calm. In recent years, I haven’t had many opportunities to test my progress in controlling anger, and I hope to keep it that way.
6. The Subtle Lessons on Morality and Integrity
When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my dad threw his slipper at my mom while she was helping me with homework just because he couldn’t find his newspaper clippings.
Unfortunately, the slipper hit my face, and my nose started bleeding.
Dad quickly came over, cleaned me up, and had me lie down. Two days later, when he took me for a haircut, there were still blood clots near my nose.
He told me that if the barber asked, I should say that Dad threw his slipper to shoo away a dog, and I accidentally got in the way. He didn’t want people to think he was someone who hurt his wife and accidentally hit me instead with his slipper.
Such incidents teach children to act good in front of others rather than teaching them to be themselves.
Regardless of what we think we’re teaching, we teach what we are. — Nathaniel Branden
When our relatives came over, we couldn’t eat the different things they were served while they were around. This was supposed to make us look polite and well-mannered. So, we patiently waited for them to leave so we could finally enjoy those treats we rarely got to have.
Without realizing it, this made me think you don’t have to be good. Just act like it when others are watching. It’s fine to misbehave when no one sees you, but it’s important to pretend to be good in front of people.
There were several other times when my father taught me who he was, rather than what he tried to teach me.
Last words
Most father/son relationships go through 3 phases:
First they idolize you Then demonize you Eventually, they humanize you — Patrick Bet-David
It’s not that my father did nothing for me. He built a house for us, which cost him all his life's savings, even though he was very comfortable in the old one. He sent me to a good college and paid my tuition fee, but he is the way he is.
He also gave me hell for not having a job right after college.
I don’t blame my father for anything. He didn’t know any better and I cannot fix the past, nor I can change someone.
I believe that you can never repay your parents, who fed you and raised you. His toxicity is going away as he ages.
He loves my sister’s children, and he has never hit them, even though they test the limits of his temper. He loves playing with them. He takes care of the chores on his part, and he doesn’t say anything to my mother as well, as they haven’t talked for seven years now but still live in the same house.
They both care about each other in the most strange manner you can imagine. I’m the one in the middle, facilitating their communication for the last seven years.
I might have forgiven my dad, but my mom never can.
एको धर्म: परं श्रेय: क्षमैका शान्तिरुत्तमा। विद्यैका परमा तृप्तिरहिंसैका सुखावहा ॥ — Vidurneeti 1.57
Translation: Only forgiveness is the best means of peace. Only knowledge is supremely satisfying. Only non-violence bestows happiness. Only the path of righteousness is supremely beneficial.
