6 Tools To Remain Calm During A Heated Argument

It’s not always easy to remain calm during a heated argument. Use these tools to help you remain in control of your emotions.

Arguments happen. And sometimes, they can get heated.

And you know — you know — you are meant to stay calm because it will de-escalate the situation. But how do you do that? Especially when it feels like someone is attacking you personally?

When you know how to shut down a heated argument, you can:

• Prevent hurt feelings — your own and the other person’s.
• Save your career — if the argument is going down in the office. And
• Retain the respect of the other person.

Let’s look at what steps you can take to remain calm during an argument:

Breathe

Take deep breaths to calm down.

And make sure you exhale for longer than you inhale. Doing so will help keep your heart rate in check. Count if you need to — inhale for two counts, exhale for four.

Empathise

It’s not fair to you, but the other person’s anger is a reflection on them and not on you. So remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story.

Maybe they are having a bad day: a loved one is sick, or they’ve been working under extreme stress.

It doesn’t excuse behaviour that gets out of hand, but it will help to remind yourself that there are circumstances you might not be aware of aggravating the situation.

Listen

Really listen to what the other person is trying to say. Often, when we feel attacked, we start formulating defensive replies in our heads instead of listening to what the other person is saying.

A lot of misunderstandings can be prevented when you pay attention. And when you focus on the other person, you won’t have time to get hot under the collar.

Reflect Back

Now that you’ve listened to the other person, repeat their points back to them to make sure you understand what they are trying to say.

Reflecting back will make them feel understood and listened to and should help to calm them down.

You will also help eliminate any misunderstandings in your interpretation of their argument.

Once again, this focus on what they are saying and making sure you understand their viewpoint will help you remain calm.

Validate Their Emotions

Tell them you can see that they are angry/frustrated/emotional [insert appropriate emotion here] about this topic.

When you put their feelings into words, they will feel like you really understand what they are going through.

Validating their feelings — along with repeating their points — will calm down the other person and make them feel like they have been heard. And when the other person calms down, it will be easier for you to remain calm.

Take a Break

Ask for time to get back to them. I use the phrase: “Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I’m going to take some time to think it through and will get back to you.”

When you allow yourself time to respond, you won’t get caught up in the moment, and both of you will have time to think more rationally about the situation.

Final Thoughts

It’s not always easy to remain calm during a heated argument. But with these tools, you will be better armed to take control of your emotions and the situation.

A special shout out to Dharan.M for an insightful article on how to embrace your anger: