6 Subtle Signs That Your Neighbors Actually Hate You

And seven things you can do about it.

Picture this: thick steaks sizzling on the BBQ. Salted margaritas in hand. Laughter shivering smiling lips. Kids, deep in a game of tag, zip amongst the adults who are chatting up a pleasant storm in a gorgeously green backyard.

It’s Sunday dinner and drinks with the neighbors.

Sounds like paradise, doesn’t it?

I thought so too. But it was all a lie. Behind those smiling lips were sharp teeth and angry hearts. They were just coming over because they had to and their rancor rose with the passing seconds.

It’s insane, but your neighbors can hate you and you have no idea.

Here are six subtle signs your neighbors actually hate you and what you can do about it.

1. They talk about you behind your back

True friends don’t talk about you behind your back, unless they’re planning a surprise party 😃. More likely they’re talking behind your back to gather support against you. It’s oh so high school, but oh so true.

And that’s one of the greatest challenges with hateful neighbors: they can turn the entire neighborhood against you. Trust me, they can say anything, true or otherwise, and poison everybody into thinking you’re awful.

Signs they’re talking behind your back:

• People whispering together and then disperse when you approach I’d see a group of neighbors chatting up a storm, then I’d go outside to join them and suddenly everybody had better things to do and disappeared.
• You’ll overhear rumors about you Our good friends told us what people were saying about us. Where there’s enemies, there’s always allies. Use these people to get the lowdown on what’s being said about you.
• People start treating you differently Neighbors that used to smile and wave at me, suddenly stopped. I’d feel like a complete jackass waving and smiling at them as they turned away like I wasn’t even there. Poison can change people’s opinions of you and their attitudes and actions will follow suit. Recognize this.
• It feels like high school This was the biggest sign for me. Feeling uncomfortable, alone, shunned, and even embarrassed all at once — and all in my own home. It’s high school, all over again. Your feelings are a good judge of what’s happening around you. Listen to them.

2. Cheshire smiles never lie

It’s proven that people can fake smiles pretty well, as shown in this research. But I call poppycock on that when it comes to people you know! All the research done is by random strangers looking at random people’s smiles. No research has been done around recognizing the fake smiles of people that you know.

You’ve likely seen their genuine smiles and their fake smiles, so you can see right through them when they do it. Examine that smile. Weigh it in your mind. It can be a strong indicator that there are ill intentions behind it.

3. They don’t respect your boundaries

Here’s a funny one, you leave the garage door open and suddenly they’re in there with their kids playing with your vintage train set. You come in and they’re like, “Oh little Max wanted to play with your trains.” As though that’s any kind of explanation why they’re illegally trespassing.

People that hate you often don’t respect your boundaries. You and your space mean nothing to them.

They’ll show up in your backyard, getting a ball that’s come over but they won’t bother to even tell you they’re doing it. They’ll trim their hedges and all the clippings fall down into your backyard and you’re left to clean it up. They’ll cut off a tree limb that falls on your patio table and not bother to tell you about it.

People that don’t respect your boundaries, don’t respect you.

Recognize where your boundaries are and keep a mental note of when and where your neighbors cross them. These can all add up to the fact that they hate you.

4. Body language doesn’t lie

Unless you’re a CIA agent trained in the arts of espionage, your body language doesn’t lie.

According to the author of “The Human Whisperer: Mastering The Art of Understanding, Connecting With, and Influencing Others”, Steven Keyl, beyond the obvious signs of somebody hating you, there are dozens of other small indicators that show somebody deeply dislikes you:

• Feet point away “Look at their feet to see where they are pointed. Feet will always point away from an undesired object” — Keyle
• The entire body aligned away “We expose our torsos to those who make us feel good, but will immediately turn to the side when someone we dislike approaches” — Keyle
• Too little or too much eye contact People that dislike you want to look at something other than you. And, often people are aware of this foible and will overcompensate by giving you too much eye contact. Watch for their lack of, or over-emphasis of, eye-contact.
• Crossing their arms Crossing your arms indicates they are shutting you off because they want nothing to do with you.
• Everything is forced with them You’re just not connecting and there is a good reason for that: they hate you. People that don’t want to connect with you will just go through the motions of conversing and dealing with you, which will make everything seem forced. Scrutinize the quality of your interactions with them.

5. They avoid you and your family as much as possible

You go into the neighborhood pool and they instantly vacate. Coincidence? They’re outside playing ball with their boys and you come out to play remote control cars with your kids and they go back inside. Coincidence? They’re out having a drink on their lawn then you come out and drinks are suddenly over. Coincidence? I think NOT!

People that hate you will avoid being around you — it’s just that simple. Recognize this shying away from you when you see it. It’s not a coincidence they are avoiding you like the plague.

6. You’re terrified they might do something to you or your family

We are all throwbacks to an ancient time when if somebody, or some thing, didn’t like you, they would kill you. And because of this, over the centuries we’ve developed the instincts to preserve ourselves by recognizing when somebody dislikes us.

Centuries of good living have watered down those instincts, but they are still there, deep down within our psyche. So you if you are worried about the neighbors doing something to you, or your family, that’s your instincts warning you. They’re telling you that danger is afoot. They’re imagining worst-case scenarios so you are prepared for them were they to occur. Listen to these instincts. They’re almost always right.

What to do if your neighbors hate you

Each of the six subtle signs aren’t slam-dunks that your neighbors hate you. But they are all definite indicators that there are ill-feelings towards you and ill-intentions afoot. Or they are, in fact, bang on the money and your neighbors do hate you, which was exactly my case.

You can’t let hate fester, as it will grow worse. And, more importantly, you can’t let yourself and your family be bullied in your own home. Your home is your refuge from the world. If it’s not, then your family’s mental well-being is at stake.

So here are 7 approaches you can take to deal with your neighbor’s rancor:

1. Talk through your differences

A sitdown with neighbors would be the most mature thing to do in this situation. You aren’t on the playground and you’re way past high school. You need to have a proper conversation about the challenges you’re both facing.

In Kerry Patterson’s Book, Crucial Conversations, she recommends: 1.) listening to their side of the story, there just might be something your missing; 2.) Present your case without emotion and stick to the facts; and 3.) whenever conflicts arise, use STATE (Share the facts. Tell your story. Ask for their story. Talk tentatively. Encourage each other’s viewpoint.) to keep the crucial conversation emotion-free and effective.

But, honestly, when the hell does this ever work? Seriously, in most situations I’ve experiences it makes it worse and becomes a kind of formal declaration of war between the two parties. But, you need to be the better person and at least try this route first.

3. Gather the troops

Just like in high school and in life, there’s safety in numbers. The neighborhood is full of people and chances are, others feel the same about the neighbors that hate you. You need to align yourselves with these people. You don’t have to be best buds, but invite them over for tea and make sure they have a good time. You want them to think warm thoughts about you when they hear your neighbor spout poisonous lies about you.

Hating neighbors sometimes back-off when they see they’re outnumbered.

4. Just accept it and ignore it

Sometimes in life there is no winning. You’ll have to accept their hate and just live with it and hope to hell they one day move away. The only thing to do here is to try and limit your exposure to them. Keep a calendar of their comings and goings and try to work it so you don’t cross paths.

5. Know your rights

Depending on what country/state/province/burg/or-whatever-you-live, you have legal rights to not being harassed in your own home. You can file harassment reports, police reports, and so on, depending on the available laws. Look into these if your hate-filled neighbors are causing you serious trouble.

6. Go to war

Eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. Just as another person has received injury from him, so it will be given to him. (Lev. 24:19–21).

They’re making your life unpleasant, so you damned well do the same to them.

In this day and age of untraceable bitcoins and anonymous freelance labor sites (like Airtasker, Fiver, Taskrabbit, etc), you’ve got a lot of options at your disposal: Sugar in their car’s gas tank. Dig up their lawn. Take a hammer to their windows. Call the police on them. Set your sprinkler system to piss all over them. Chop the heads off all their flowers. Hang up the loudest wind chimes in the world in your backyard to annoy the hell out of them. Pay for a load of manure to be dumped on their lawn. The list of what you can do to them goes on and on.

Honestly, DON’T go this route. You’re just lowing yourself to their level and will ultimately escalate the situation into some kind of nuclear war where there are no survivors. Only in movies does going to war with the neighbors work out fairly and justly.

7. Move

Last, but not least, move to greener pastures.

Let’s face it, life is incredibly short and living it alongside some asshole that hates you just isn’t worth it. So suck it up, find a new place, and move your family to better climes.

We eventually gave up and had to move and honestly it was the best thing ever. Our mental health infinitely improved just by stepping through that new front door.

Final Thoughts

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” ― G.K. Chesterton

You need to recognize and deal with an enemy as an enemy, instead of a friend. So many people don’t recognize the signs and continue on like they’re best buds and get completely abused by neighbors that hate them. It’s not good for you and it’s a terrible atmosphere to raise your children in.

So keep watch for the signs if you’re suspecting that your neighbors hate you and act as quick as you can to squelch it. Forewarned is forearmed.

And from my experience, when I saw the signs and came to the realization that they hated me it was very emotionally distressing. There was a kind of white shock that coursed through me when all the puzzle pieces slammed together. I was hurt, deeply. And I felt like a failure as a parent for not recognizing the danger I put my children in. You too will feel this. But try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s human to want to fit in, and sometimes this blinds us.

Good luck.