6 Strategies To Handling A Narcissist.
Identify and overcome narcissistic defence mechanisms.
Difficult conversations with a narcissist go in circles, and you are better off serving chunks and giving them time to digest parts of information than try to tackle the lot at once. People high in narcissism are too self-interested to put anyone else's needs above their own, making most conversations one-sided.
“[Grandiose and vulnerable narcissist’s] self-regulatory needs leave little room for genuine interest in the needs or feelings of others.” — Eve Caligor et al.
A key component of personality disorders such as narcissism is the use of immature defence mechanisms. These mechanisms avoid active participation, confrontation, and negotiation. Recognising them can help guide you through confronting discussions with narcissists without succumbing to mental exhaustion.
Learning to relate to where a narcissist is coming from won’t stop them from becoming defensive, but it will prevent you from falling into the trap of reacting and picking up the narcissist’s habits.
Narcissists love praise and admiration, so satisfying this need and enabling their behaviour can keep them focussed in discussions. I wouldn’t recommend allowing a narcissist to navigate conversations for too long; you will lose out in the end because they have no interest in anything that doesn’t benefit them.
While people who do not know the narcissist have no trouble enabling, those who know the narcissist struggle to maintain patience in the process.
“Although narcissists make a positive first impression, their reputation becomes much more negative as people get to know them.” — Erika N. Carlson et. al.
Narcissists can go overboard, talk themselves up, play the victim, or act in other ways to seek out praise and admiration. Keep in mind that they’re not bragging or attention-seeking insomuch as they’re profoundly insecure and needing validation.
Stonewalling and becoming dismissive such as smirking, scoffing, accusing you of ‘acting crazy’, or ‘being defensive,’ along with any number of passive-aggressive tactics, signal that they're not ready to tackle the conversation.
So, save your energy and step out too, preferably politely and before you lose your cool. It is best to avoid provocation and taking anything a narcissist says personally.
While we all succumb to our own set of maladaptive defence mechanisms now and again, most of us can manage them enough to maintain a relatively healthy personal life with quality interpersonal relationships. This is not the case for narcissists.
Dealing with narcissists can be like dealing with a toddler because that’s pretty much where they’re at. They’re adults who did not learn healthier ways to navigate relationships and life in general.
Observing the following defence tactics and using quick, clear responses that show you will not play any mind games can help you handle a narcissist more effectively.
1. Pause for Passive aggression.
Passive aggression is indirect aggression. Passive aggression is a fear of conflict used when we’re not comfortable confronting issues head-on, such as using backhanded criticism, sarcasm, stonewalling, sulking, or simply letting it fester and become unresolved. I love how Kris Godinez describes passive aggression as the “hit-and-run fuck you” here:
Because passive aggression is a “hit and run fuck you”, you’ll need one or two statements that clearly outline your needs and why they’re essential to you so you can walk away calm rather than fuelling the fire. It’s passive, but it’s still aggression.
It’s best to point out that you can see they’re not ready to tackle the issue and that you're willing to wait when they are ready, assuming you are. Do not become passive-aggressive yourself and let narcissists provoke or walk all over you.
2. Block Conscious Suppression.
Despite the lack of scientific evidence, the general public still believes memories can be unconsciously rather than consciously suppressed. Researchers warn against this idea because it can be dangerous in psychological and legal settings, such as stunting treatment for clients or causing biases in criminal judgements.
Narcissists lie and deny their negative behaviours and actions so much that they seem to believe themselves. It’s quite possible to lie to oneself enough to suppress the memory. It’s also possible to bring those memories back to consciousness. If you’ve already made many attempts to draw out the truth, you need to consider distancing yourself from that person.
Narcissists can tell a lie, admit the lie, then deny it all in one sentence. At this stage, any discussions go out the window; they’ve hit an anxiety level that will only lead to rage if you let it carry on. This is a ‘go no contact’ situation when people can not confront issues; they will not change their actions or find solutions. The most important thing is that you do not suppress the truth and get into a cycle of accepting lies.
3. End the Cycle of Distortion.
Lying, minimising, rationalising, and intellectualising adverse behaviours and actions is a defence mechanism that distorts the events to avoid conflict. It’s disrespectful and an outright protest against consequences.
Distortion is harmful to people who live or work with narcissists as they lose trust in the narcissist, themselves, and everybody around them. Setting firm boundaries and being consistent is essential. Point out that distorting facts doesn't help find solutions, outline your consequences, and stick to them.
4. Neutralize Black and White Thinking.
Black and white thinking or splitting is where narcissists struggle to see the grey in people and situations; there’s only black or white, right or wrong.
Splitting distorts reality to give it stability. It prevents confronting the detail in conflicting information.
Narcissists lack object constancy, a form of splitting where a person and the emotional bond is not recognised as constant.
When confronted with “all or nothing” personalities, it can help to walk through your viewpoints in story form, so they're walking in your shoes.
You don’t want to distort information yourself; present where you’re coming from differently. Offering alternative views as possibilities is also less aggressive; “I understand that you feel I did A because of B but is it possible that C caused A.”
5. Coping with Projection & Transference.
Projection and transference are a real struggle to get around; they’ve completely dissociated themselves from blame and opted out of accountability.
Projection is when a person projects their negative thoughts and feelings onto another person. Transference is when negative thoughts and feelings from other events are transferred onto a person or situation.
For example, a narcissist might project that their boss dislikes them when it is the narcissist that dislikes the boss. Transference would be when the narcissist unconsciously sees the bosses actions as similar to his fathers or other negative figures in their life.
Some therapists use projection and transference to enable their patients to see the negative thoughts and feelings they're projecting or transferring from the outside, slowly and indirectly working through those feelings to develop a more precise insight.
Because black and white thinking happens unconsciously, they may not come forward, indirectly affecting the person's thoughts and interactions. Talking through details can help to uncover any issues and make room for clarity.
6. Distance yourself from Triangulation.
Reaching out to other people with genuine concerns about real situations becoming a problem can lead to favourable resolutions long as the events are factual. When a person reaches out to others with malicious intentions for another person, and those people get pulled into the drama, it is called triangulation.
Triangulation is a defence tactic used against a person or group of people to divert attention from themselves. Triangulation includes starting a smear campaign against a person with false information.
Triangulation and smear campaigns are dangerous insidious tactics that can cause considerable damage to another person and their relationship with their friends, family, work, and community.
When narcissists triangulate, they’re wanting you to react and try to use other people to get to you; there is little point in continuing conversations with someone who has gone to this level. If communication is necessary, keep it to an absolute minimum and only when necessary.
Other immature mechanisms include reaction formation or forming a reaction counter to a person’s genuine feelings to satisfy public perception and expectations and somatisation where mental pain becomes physical.
Defence mechanisms can also be mature choices such as sublimation, choosing a healthy habit like exercise to ease painful events or humour, laughing through the pain, and anticipation such as preparing for an interview or training for an event.
Interestingly, grandiose narcissists use both mature (adaptive) and immature (maladaptive) defence mechanisms. Vulnerable narcissists do not practice adaptive tools and are more likely to choose maladaptive defences.
Which of these defence mechanisms do you identify with the most? How can you work on your mechanisms to find better solutions to disputes and conflicts in your life? Having a solid awareness of yourself and your defence mechanisms helps you develop tools for balancing your responses to confronting issues.
Frequent conflict can become destructive for everybody around you. Stress has a significant impact on your mental, physical, spiritually, and interpersonal health.
Constant conflict with people who are high on the narcissism spectrum and those who can’t move from immature defence mechanisms creates too much pressure on the central nervous system and maintains a stable personal life.
It is vital to seek professional help when dealing with someone high on the narcissism spectrum has gotten out of hand. While some therapies offer positive results, clinicians and researchers have yet to find long term solutions, and stable results can take some time and dedication from all parties.
Thank you for reading.
Related stories:
If you’re interested in earning money for writing, please click the following link and join the Medium community: