6 Strategies That Helped A Friend Deal With His Needy Partner

He chose not to press the delete button on the relationship.

Davin is my bestie’s brother. Despite being a regular kind of guy with a cute lab named Reese, he hasn’t had much luck on the dating scene. The last long term relationship he was in ended a couple of years back when he graduated college. He was almost to the point of swearing off dating apps when lo and behold he met Nelia.

Everyone thought she was well worth the wait. Talk about being drop dead gorgeous with an advanced degree in astrophysics!

“Appearances are deceptive and behaviors reflective.”

A clingy partner is someone who is overly attached or emotionally dependent on the other partner. An article published in the UK’s biggest provider of relationship support describes clinginess as a spectrum. One end of the spectrum reflects behaviors such as the constant need for reassurance and the other end indicates more extreme tendencies like trying to control their partner.

When a clingy person needs more than just physical contact like hugging and kissing and starts to become emotionally demanding, they are being needy.

Despite all her achievements, Nelia was an extremely needy person who ended up making life suffocating for Davin.

“Jealousy is a catalyst to a freak out”

One incident that demonstrated her incessant need to cleave to him happened at a backyard event which was awkward to say the least. The occasion was the July 4th barbecue for family and friends hosted by my bestie Riley and her brother, Davin’s parents. Midway through the festivities, raised voices could be heard coming from the kitchen. A few minutes later, a furious Nelia came stomping out towards her car followed by an exasperated Davin.

Apparently she had just been told of his plans to go hiking with friends that weekend which prompted her to go nuclear on him. Not only did she accuse him of being selfish for making plans without her but also for not spending the weekend with her doing the things that she had planned.

Nelia even went as far as threatening to break up with Davin but strangely enough, she reverted back to extremely loving girlfriend mode when he accidentally ran a red and got into a collision. Probably was a result of him being distracted by all the drama.

The accident may have been the perfect reason to call the relationship quits but that was not exactly what happened.

“I am not needy. I am greedy. And I want all of you.”

According to an article published in Bustle, therapist Vanessa Marin attributes clinginess to anxiety and fear. She goes on to elaborate “I think people who are exhibiting clingy behaviors are really coming from a place of insecurity. They’ve probably had lots of experiences in the past where people took advantage of them or broke their trust.”

But still, being extremely possessive of a partner can feel like infiltration of personal space. Constantly leaning on a partner to fulfill emotional needs can be draining not to mention stressful.

Davin genuinely cared for Nelia but at the same time knew that he was in danger of giving up his wants and needs for her sake. So he decided it was time for a long delayed relationship health check.

6 strategies that help deal with a needy partner:

1.Trying to understand and empathize where Nelia was coming from: Making a genuine effort to understand some of the reasons Nelia tended to behave the way she did, which in her case was a chaotic childhood environment, helped give Davin a new perspective.

2.Sometimes needy people are unaware about the fact that they are being needy: The correct way to make a person like Nelia aware of what she is doing is by pointing it out to her using a gentle approach.

Following the sandwich method suggested by experts, Davin was able to have a conversation with her about some of her behaviors that were bothering him. An article in rightattitudes.com describes the sandwich method like this :“… the sandwich feedback method involves discussing corrective feedback that is “sandwiched” between two layers of praise.”

3.Communication: Good communication is an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. The confidence that the relationship provides a safe space to be able to talk about fears and anxieties goes a long way in not only alleviating them but also helps in building trust.

4.Setting and enforcing boundaries: It can be a difficult conversation to have but establishing and making sure those boundaries are respected is essential as Davin came to realize.

For example, it was not okay for Nelia to blow up his phone asking him where he was and what he was doing. It was also not okay to snoop on his social media to check on who he was talking to.

As a needy partner, Nelia’s behavior sometimes comes across as controlling, for example, her expectations that Davin spend all his time with her and become jealous when he was hanging out with his friends. Psychologist Mandy Kloppers explains why this is not a sign of a healthy relationship “A healthy relationship allows friends and family to happily co-exist alongside it.”

5.Your right to be you: Mandy Kloppers elaborates on this “Protect your fundamental characteristics and personality traits and never give up the ‘essential you.’ In other words you don’t need to drastically change yourself just to satisfy your partner.

Being respectful and supportive is a two way street in any relationship. Nelia had to understand that Davin has his dreams, ambitions and interests which he has every right to pursue without being at her beck and call.

6.Me time vs Our time: Spending quality time with Nelia and also setting time aside for his interests and hobbies which she didn’t need to be a part of helps delineate his time vs their time.

“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.”

Sometimes the needy partner is unwilling to do the work necessary to forge a healthy relationship and continues on the same trajectory as before. That usually doesn’t work out in the long run. In Nelia’s case, she loves Davin and was willing to reciprocate so they were able to work out their differences.