6 Steps to Tame a Mansplainer
Lessons from that time a date mansplained my ovaries to me
“You know what is wrong with single women over thirty-five?”
I was on a first date with Dylan* and he started with that opener. He skipped any niceties about the weather, observations about the restaurant, or even the usual apocalypse joke. And no, I had not asked any questions that would indicate I was a woman needing a long-winded diatribe explaining single women. This date was going to be Ulysses long.
“Right about the age of thirty-five, all women get desperate.”
“All women?” I asked. My over thirty-five arse shifted uncomfortably in my chair.
“No, not all women. Just the ones who want kids.”
“Just the ones who want kids?” I parroted again. “But what about the ones who don’t want kids?”
“Well, they always say they don’t want kids, but then months later, they start dropping hints…wouldn’t it be nice to have just one. Blah, blah, blah. Women over thirty-five only care about one thing — babies.”
I dug my nails into the side of my arm. This has to be a nightmare. God, please, PLEASE let me wake up. Ok, God, I promise I will stop lying to my mother about going to church if you do me a solid and transport me out of this date. I pinched myself again. Damn, still here.
My arms reflexively embraced my deaden ovaries. He didn’t notice and kept on talking.
“And women over thirty-five think they can still get a guy who is 35–45, but those guys only want the twenty-somethings.”
The waitress put down my drink, and we exchanged a conspiratorial look. I sent her the silent S.O.S girl code, “Psssssss…Is there a trapdoor in this restaurant?”
She silently spoke in girl code back, “I will make your next drink stronger than battery acid.”
(Btw, no trapdoor. I looked.)
I took a big sip of my drink. He continued…
“I went on a date with this one woman who looked much older than her pictures. I got totally catfished! So you know what I did?”
“You ended the night early and went home to read The Second Sex in your bubble bath?” I retorted with a dash of snark.
He let out a maniacal laugh. “No, I just droned on and on about stock dividends. I knew if I bored her to death, the date would end early.”
“You…a bore? How is that possible?” (That was said with a wallop size of snark.)
He laughed nervously but still wasn’t reading the room. Would this be a bad time to ask him where on the neurodivergent scale he fell?
I took a bigger sip of my drink. He continued…
“For example, you are a beautiful woman, but you probably don’t date anyone under thirty-five because then they will want kids. And that won’t work.”
“What won’t work?” I stabbed my straw into the ice.
“You can’t have kids.”
I took a gigantic sip. No, that is a lie. It wasn’t a sip. I sucked that drink down as if there was a hidden key at the bottom of the glass that would unlock the trapdoor I was determined to find. I signaled to the waitress for another.
Another big sip. I was about to explain women’s bodies to the man explaining women’s bodies. Here goes…
“Ummmm, yeah, so I can still have kids. Not sure I want anymore. But my wrinkly ovaries still work.”
“Yeah, but would you have the energy to have kids at your age?”
“I think if they were yours, I would need the combined strength of Hercules, Thor, and that superhero that spits flames out of his fingers.”
I didn’t say that. I so wanted to.
I hope you can understand my frustration at this point. I had lost twenty minutes of my life to mansplaining. And I had just learned my ovaries were subpar from a man who didn’t have ovaries (or a medical license.)
I ended the night early and went home to my bubble bath.
Most women have experienced the dreaded mansplaining. Mansplaining is nothing new, especially to men in power. John Adams mansplained what wives wanted to his wife, Abigail. Ronald Reagan got accused of mansplaining before the word even entered our lexicon. And Donald Trump mansplained so much that he should have made it part of the Trump University curriculum.
I first heard the term mansplaining after reading Rebecca Solnit’s brilliant essay, “Men Explain Things To Me." Mansplaining is defined as “the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.”
But mansplaining is often a learned behavior, and sometimes men are unaware they are doing it. And sometimes, men are actually trying to understand a woman’s experience. Unfortunately, instead of walking in her shoes…they are telling her she has the wrong shoes. And yes, sometimes he is just a mansplaining a-hole.
So how do you steer a conversation out of mansplaining territory?
How to Save a Mansplaining Conversation
Step 1: Determine if it is really mansplaining
For a conversation to be classified as mansplaining, it must have two fundamental features.
- She didn’t ask for an explanation.
- She is an expert on the subject you are explaining.
But just because you are an expert on a subject doesn’t mean he doesn’t have something valuable to contribute.
Generally, mansplaining is all about tone. If he is excited to share info on a subject you already know — probably not mansplaining. But if he is interrupting you or speaking in a condescending tone — probably mansplaining.
Refer to this simple chart if you are still confused.
Step 2: Control your eyeballs.
Whatever you do…do not roll your eyes. I know. It is hard. As soon as he starts explaining something that doesn’t need explaining, your eyes reflexively go into your head. But an eye roll is the ultimate sign of contempt. And contempt kills intimacy and shuts the conversation down.
Step 3: Avoid the backfire effect.
When I was researching mansplaining, I came across many articles recommending that you smother him in facts.
That is the worst advice ever.
We often think facts strengthen an argument but not with most people. And with a mansplainer, facts will often make him explain even more. For example, at one point, I told Dylan that 50% of fertility problems are on the male side. He responded by doubling down on his argument that women over thirty-five are washed-up, barren hags.
This is called the backfire effect — the tendency to resist accepting evidence that conflicts with our beliefs, even when irrefutable facts are presented.
A more constructive way to handle a mansplainer is to adopt a soft-sell approach and not try to change his mind. For example, I could have said to Dylan, “I am not trying to change your mind, but here is what I have experienced as someone with ovaries.”
Step 4: Ask for examples.
Mansplaining can be especially infuriating because he is explaining a subject he is underqualified to explain. To expose a lack of credentials, most of the internet advice instructs women to ask a mansplainer to list his expertise on the subject.
Again, worst advice ever.
Asking a guy to list why he is qualified to pontificate on a subject would make anyone defensive. And once people get defensive, the conversation spirals into “you are wrong and I am right” territory.
Instead, ask for examples that support his explanation. For example, I could have asked Dylan to give examples of how his ovaries were aging. That would have shut him up.
Step 5: Give a womansplaining comparison.
Although men often get accused of doling out pedantic lectures, women are guilty of this too. One way to get a man to see your side is to give him a womansplaining comparison.
For example, I could have said to Dylan, “How would you react if I explained to you what it feels like to get punched in the balls?” (Actually, it is fun to mention ball punching to a mansplainer. If he is a good guy…don’t do this.)
Step 6: Utter the magical M-word.
If all else fails, call him out on his mansplaining. This will go in either one of two ways.
- He will apologize because he wasn’t aware he was mansplaining.
- He will get combative and mansplain mansplaining to you.
In most cases, number two happens. But at least you tried to communicate maturely.
It’s a bit pathetic that I have to instruct women to tiptoe around men’s egos. This is why it is best to skip to step six if he is acting disrespectfully. But if you are in a work situation with a superior or speaking with a clueless guy, these tactics can help you navigate out of the mansplaining territory.
And if all else fails…find the trapdoor.
*Names changed.
