6 Simple Ways to Criticise Someone Without Sounding Like a Jerk

A framework to handle even the most delicate of situations like a boss.

‘Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.’ — Frank Howard Clark

When it comes to criticism, I often observe that there are two inherently different approaches that people usually take. One is to be nice, sugarcoat, avoid direct confrontation and make goddamn sure to not say a harsh word because, you know, somehow, someone could take it the wrong way.

The other one is to be blunt, making sure you get your point across and drilling down on it until you’ve given the other person the rubdown of their life. That’ll show them, no way are they going to make the same mistake twice!

Let me tell you something: Both of them are bullshit.

If you sugarcoat your words and are too scared of rubbing someone the wrong way, you won’t get your points across. The other person will not take the issue seriously and thus won’t commit to changing their behaviour.

If you are instead rude, hurtful, and bossy, you will cause resentment, not improvement. You reduce any chance of the person being willing to work with you instead of against you to ashes.

Instead, you want to take the best from both approaches. You want to get your points across, make the other person understand and help them improve. At the same time, you don’t want to get personal or criticize them for something that wasn’t their fault in the first place.

Good criticism is like watering a dried-up plant. Don’t give it enough water and nothing will change, its leaves will turn brown and it will cease to grow. Give it too much and you are going to drown it.

When someone dries up, meaning they display behaviours that are wrong or could lead to conflict, you need to criticize them (like giving a withering plant water) to support them in getting back on track.

But you need to be careful. Your criticism has to be powerful and honest enough to inspire a person to change — you have to give the plant enough water to grow. But at the same time, it has to be gentle and well-packaged so you don’t steamroll them.

In other words, you want to give the plant enough water to survive and thrive, but not so much that it drowns.

Examine Your Motives

If you want to give constructive criticism, you first have to know where you are coming from. Before you try to get into someone else’s head, make sure you understand your own.

There are a few primary reasons why you might want to criticize someone, although this list is by no means exhaustive:

• Support someone and help them improve. Sometimes, you just want to help someone. You want to give them honest feedback so they can better themselves.
• Make a change happen that you would like to see. My roommate has a hard time turning off the lights when he leaves a room. I am environmentally conscious, so I often ask him to not leave them on. It is a change I want to see in the world and that is important to me personally.
• Fuel a discussion. Good, constructive criticism is like a steroid for an interesting discussion. Taking an opposing point of view unlocks new areas of the subject and takes the conversation to the next level.
• Hurt someone. This often happens when you dislike someone for the person they are. Subconsciously, you look for things they might be doing wrong and pounce on them like a vulture.
• Let out your frustrations and anger. When you are fueled with rage and are looking for an outlet, often the next best thing will do. Bad luck for the recipient if an opportunity presents itself in the form of criticizing someone else.
• Boost your ego. Unfortunately, some people can only lift themselves up by putting others down. Making someone else feel inferior is a way of satisfying their ego.

First things first — if the reason for your criticism is one of the first three, congratulations. You will learn a lot from reading on.

But if your motive comes from the latter three, this post isn’t for you. Instead, I suggest you take some time off, go for a stroll outside and figure out why you feel like that.

For the rest, I want to give you some specific tips on how to express your criticism so that you get your point across and don’t hurt the other person in the process, but instead inspire them to change.

Six Simple Rules For Constructive Criticism

‘It’s easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It’s a lot more difficult to perform one.’— Chuck Palahniuk

To do something well is usually hard. It takes preparation, thinking, and practice. Criticism is no exception. But if you follow these six basic rules, you’ve already done most of the groundwork.

1. Be Kind, But Assertive

It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it. Although this goes for any conversation you have, it is especially important when criticizing someone. Even more so when you start the conversation and set the tone.

When you approach someone about their wrongdoings, keep in mind that they often are not aware of them. They don’t know what is to come. Delivering harsh words right in the beginning will cause them to raise their defences, making it harder for the two of you to reach an agreement.

At the same time, you want to make sure that you are taken seriously — so don’t let them brush you off.

A simple “Hey Ricky, do you have a couple of minutes for a chat later? There is something important I’ve been thinking about and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page,” does the trick.

This communicates three things:

• First, you don’t assault them right there on the spot. They can finish what they are doing, gather their thoughts and then come to you once they are ready.
• Second, you show that the issue is important — not only by saying so, but by taking an extra ten minutes out of both of your days and having them come to you.
• Third, you focus on a “we” rather than a “me vs. you” setting. This way, you frame the issue as something you both work on and look for a solution together, instead of creating two opposing views.

2. Talk in Private

Have you ever seen a couple fighting in public? It’s amazing how a pleasant conversation can derail and result in a full-on trade of verbal barbs within a mere three sentences.

I bet you that most of the fights you witness could have been resolved peacefully within five minutes if the issue was discussed in private.

People don’t like to be exposed in front of others because their social status is put in danger. They raise their defences and get on their hind legs quicker than you can say “Don’t take this the wrong way”.

If you want them to stay calm, discuss the issue with you, and think about any mistakes they may have made, reduce the pressure. Don’t expose them in public. Even if you are right with what you are saying, you still should give them a chance to look at the issue and comment in private.

3. Be Positive and Offer Suggestions

When people receive criticism, they often feel like you want to cause them harm, even if that is the last thing on your mind. To avoid that, you need to show them that you two are on the same side. There are two simple ways to do so.

1. Be positive. Instead of saying “you did this wrong”, go with an “I’d love it if…” or “one way to really improve this work would be to…” For people who are especially sensitive and need to be treated like a live grenade, use a compliment sandwich. Say something nice about their work, give constructive criticism, say something nice again, etc.
2. Offer some detailed suggestions. Would you use Google Maps if it only told you that you’re headed in the wrong direction, but not how to get back on track? Didn’t think so. You have been conjuring up the criticism, so for sure you can conjure up some suggestions on how to improve and change. This gives people something to work with and shows that you put effort into helping them.

4. Be Specific and Don’t Beat Around the Bush

What I see a lot of people doing when they express criticism is to try and soften the blow. They are often afraid of getting straight to the matter at hand and pointing out what exactly the issue is. Avoiding confrontation by avoiding a specific issue and beating around the bush does nothing good. Actually, quite the opposite.

When you criticize someone, you want to be specific and get straight to the point for the following reasons:

• If you aren’t specific, you often make the issue bigger than it is and make the other person feel stupid. If I tell you “this presentation doesn’t look good” you’ll feel terrible about it, even though all it needs is a different colouring and two headlines adjusted.
• If you beat around the bush, the other person has plenty of time to conjure up a mental picture of an apocalypse they caused. Plus, this often comes across as passive-aggressive. Keep in mind that you are the one addressing the issue, so how you frame it will determine everything. If it takes you ten minutes to get to the point, they will feel like the issue is on such an apocalyptic level that you can’t dive right into it, even though all they did was not clean the microwave after their burrito exploded.

Also, there are few feelings worse than spending aeons on something that could be handled within two minutes. Time is money, after all.

5. Focus On Actions, Not People

This one is your make-or-die. Mess up here, and you can be as kind, specific, and direct as you want, but you’re done.

Criticize someone for the person they are instead of for their actions, and not even the Dalai Lama himself can get them to be cool with you again.

Why is that? First, because criticizing someone for the person they are makes them feel bad and annihilates any chance to inspire them or cause positive change. All that it causes are feelings of resentment and inadequacy.

Second, it gives them nothing to work with. They might even know that their personality is lacking a bit of a friendly attitude or that they have a hard time sticking to an agenda and deadlines. But telling them “Hey Joe, you’re always grumpy and can’t get your life in order,” will do very little to improve these issues. Instead, point out what they did to mess up, not how they are messed up.

6. Express Gratitude and Leave On Good Terms

People will remember two things most: how something started, and how something ended. What happens in between quickly slips their mind.

To make use of that, set the stage right (see above) and make sure you end your talk on a high note.

• First, thank them for their time, their understanding and for listening to you. These things should never be taken for granted and showing that you appreciate them not only gives you a ton of brownie points but also makes it much more likely that the result of your talk will be improvement instead of resentment.
• Second, summarize the main points you two agreed upon. Make it clear again what upset you and how you felt. Assure them that what you said was not about them as a person, but rather about their actions. Then, pick up on your suggestions again and agree on a way you two can handle the situation better next time.
• Third, show them that the critique you expressed didn’t change your relationship with them or how you view them as a person. If people aren’t used to open and honest criticism, it can make them feel inadequate, even if you did your best to avoid this. Show them that expressing your opinion is completely normal and they don’t have to feel bad about messing up.

Give it time

We humans are creatures of habit. Once a behaviour is ingrained in us, it can be incredibly difficult to change or let go of it. As the saying goes,

‘Old habits die hard.’

Keep this in mind when someone makes the same mistake twice. In most cases, it’s not that they haven’t listened to you. It’s not that they don’t respect you or your opinion. It’s not that they don’t want to change. We humans simply aren’t perfect.

People around you will mess up more than once. You will mess up more than once. It’s not the end of the world.

The worst thing you can do in this situation is to go through the whole thing again with them. That’s overkill. If you gave your plant plenty of water yesterday, all that it might need today is a couple of drops to refresh. And that’s all you should give it.

If you feel like they forgot what you talked about, then remind them. But at the same time show that you understand that change doesn’t happen overnight and that you appreciate their efforts.

A plant has to grow by itself. You can water it, fertilize it, pull weeds and even cut back some of the branches. But then you need to back up, give it time and see what comes of it before you take the next step.

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