6 Signs You’re More Likely to Have Sex Than to Own a Bitcoin

#2 You think blockchain is a new BDSM trend

To me, bitcoin is a lot like sex in high school.

I (and everybody else) talked about it, I (and everybody else) pretended to be doing it — all the time, and I (and most of the “everybody else”) was only masturbating.

Now that I’ve got a sex life and a Twitter account, I’m sort of an expert in all things related to sex and bitcoins. As an expert, the question I currently get the most from colleagues and friends, single and married alike, is:

What’s more likely? Me having sex or me owning a bitcoin?

If you’re anything like them, read further. Here are SIX signs you’re more likely to have sex than to own a bitcoin.

You prefer your sex (and your money) backed by physical commodities

You tried phone sex, virtual sex, and, thanks to the pandemic, zoom sex. They’re kind of fun, but it’s more of a one-time thing than a regular guest in your sex life.

You prefer the comfort of your bed, the vertigo of your sex swing, or, even, the hardness of steel on your wrists and ankles in the sex-dungeon you built in your basement. Or the one you’re renting as you wait for the contractors to finish the job.

By the way, did you know you could now rent a bitcoin ATM (the bitcoin equivalent of a sex dungeon) for as low as $300 a month?

You think blockchain is a new BDSM trend

You know what? I think you might be a bit too focused on this sex dungeon. Or maybe it’s me. I just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. My bitcoin mentor advised me to read it as a reliable source of information for future bitcoin evolution.

“Both are all about power cycles.”

I don’t always understand my bitcoin mentor, but that’s normal; she wouldn’t be my mentor if I did.

You don’t know what forking means

But if you did, you would associate the word with the act of spooning, not with the act of “copying Bitcoin’s blockchain up to a certain point and then splitting off into a new network.”

According to the urban dictionary, forking is “exactly like cuddling, but the big spoon is pressing his boner into the little spoon till it turns into more than cuddling.”

(By the way, the article I linked above, the bullish case for bitcoin, is a must-read on the topic of bitcoins; and was recommended by Ev Williams himself.)

You do NOT use laser eyes in your profiles pictures

Not on Twitter, not on Tinder. Even though it’s super easy to add laser eyes to any picture, you didn’t. You kept your profile pictures free of funny memes.

Because you learned from experience, and it was a hard lesson learned with several weeks of absolute drought in terms of matches. You learned that laser eyes, as cool as second graders might think they’re, aren’t helping to get some. They’re not helping to get any bitcoin either, for that matters.

Note that the laser eyes meme might help bitcoins holders hyping their way to a $100,000 bitcoin valuation. (NOT financial advice).

When you hear Fiat you think of the carmaker

You don’t think of a currency established as money by a government. You think of the cutest car ever, the Fiat 500 (see Exhibit 1).

You might think of its Giardiniera estate version where (who knows for sure?) some of us were conceived.

You might even think of Ferrari (part of the Fiat automotive group for more than 40 years), which cars are still more expensive than a bitcoin ($250,000 versus $50,000 to give you an idea).

But some say it’s a matter of time for bitcoin to reach the price of a Ferrari (this clever market analysis usually shows up in the form of a tweet). However, let’s ask ourselves this question, and let’s be frank with the answer.

Would we rather own a bitcoin or a Ferrari?

When someone mentions hash power, you think how tasty are hash browns

Hash browns are the one dish you learned to cook for sex purposes only. After trying them at breakfast in an all-inclusive hotel in Cancun, Mexico, you understood the power of this simple dish. Simple, yet heavenly tasting.

You instantly knew that the ability to cook this dish for your dates (and later, your partner) would be the key to morning — let’s do it again — sex.

Also, from an ecological point of view, the electricity needed to generate enough hash power to mine a bitcoin is manifold higher than to cook hash browns.

As for you, the only mining you’re ready to do is under the blanket.

One last bit of information

If you’re still unsure whether you’re more likely to own a bitcoin or have sex, flip a coin. If you call head, I like the way you think. If you land tail, here’s a recap.

• Laser eyes on profile pictures, even on Twitter, are a big no-no.
• Virtual sexting might be a nice turn-on, but you like it physically backup.
• You’re willing to try new kinks, like blockchain and forking.
• You have wet dreams about Ferraris and fantasize about having sex in a Fiat Giardiniera.
• Hash-browns are the yummiest dish ever.