6 Pre-Marriage Counseling Topics to Discuss Before Tying the Knot
Giving “happily ever after” a better than 50% chance of success
Did I mean to say “marriage counseling”? Isn’t that only for couples that are having issues with their marriage? What the heck is this pre-marriage counseling thing?
I first heard of pre-marriage counseling from a Christian couple that are good friends of ours.
Good enough friends for me to ask awkward questions like, “Is this a religious thing?” and “Isn’t marriage counseling for after you get married when you fight all the time and can’t stand each other?”
Fast-forward two years.
The Catholic Church was now directing me and my then-fiancé to sign up for pre-marriage counseling if we wanted to get married in the church. We’d barely “passed” the interviews with the priest and had already been shamed for not attending church weekly — or annually for that matter.
“Okay okay, it’s just a weekend — we’ll survive” is what we told ourselves.
Though we went into the pre-marriage counseling rather lackluster and somewhat dragging our feet, we left that weekend feeling stronger in our relationship and better prepared to tackle life together.
Turns out this pre-marriage counseling has some pretty valuable gems. Here are some of my favorites.
NOTE: All of these exercises were initially done separately as individuals. After we had our answers written down (so you can’t cheat or change them), you gave them to your partner to read, followed by some heart-to-heart discussions.
#1. Financial Planning — Show Me the Money!
Let’s start with the big questions:
- How much do you make?
- How much debt do you have?
- How much do you have in savings?
- How much do you believe you need to have in your “rainy day” savings?
- How much is your make-up budget? (Just kidding — I made up the last one but hey, make-up is expensive)
Are we going through pre-marriage counseling or are we talking to a financial adviser? That said, debt is the #1 reason for divorce so perhaps it’s time to hunker down for serious conversations.
Let’s get deeper:
- What are your spending habits?
- How much is acceptable “fun money” for frivolous spending?
- How much control are you willing to give (read: compromise) over your personal spending splurges?
Let’s go another step deeper:
- How do you plan on managing bank accounts?
- Full-blown “let’s take a chance on this” all joint bank accounts?
- Or perhaps the “I love you but I love my money too” completely separate bank accounts with possibly the compromise of one shared account solely for shared expenses?
#2. Kids — One Kid, Two Kid, Red Kid, Blue Kid
Do you want kids? When do you want kids? How many kids do you want?
Personally, I feel like all this topic (along with the finance topic) should have been discussed in any serious relationship before entering the engaged phase but, judging by the tears in the room, you’d be surprised …
But the discussions don’t end just because you’ve agreed on popping these kids out.
- How are you going to raise these kids?
- What activities do you want to put these kids in (and will you be able to afford it)?
- What values and family customs do you want to instill in your kids?
#3. Values — Time & Money are Limited Resources
I value being kind, caring, and good for humanity — *snore*
I value shoes, purses, and make-up — how funny!
Sure, it’s one thing to list the things you value (both cliché and materialistic) but it’s a completely different discussion when you’re given a list of values to rank, and then to compare with your partner’s list of values.
Here’s a sample list of values to rank on a scale of 1–5 (no duplicates allowed):
- Spending quality time with family and friends
- Your phone and social media
- Work and career ambitions
- Spending money on experiences
- Spending money on material goods
Ultimately it’s an exercise to help you realize that time and money are limited resources.
You as an individual have probably figured out what you choose to prioritize in your life but have you as a couple come to an agreement about that?
#4. Family Customs and Traditions — To Keep or Not to Keep
Let’s make a nice list of all your family customs and traditions that you would like to continue in your new family.
Weekly dinners, opening Christmas presents on Christmas Day in pajamas, and celebrating birthdays extravagantly
Let’s add to this nice list your partner’s family customs and traditions that you would like to keep in your new family.
Family vacations, shopping sprees, and family movie night
Now let’s start listing your partner’s family customs and traditions that you don’t want to carry on with.
The way your father makes household decisions without including your mother
Remember — these discussions are meant to help broach some otherwise difficult topics in a safe, respectful environment. It helps surface these potential areas of conflict before they become major rifts in the relationship.
#5. I’m Sorry
Funny how much those two little words can mean. And it’s also funny how hard these two little words can be to say.
So to start the next chapter of your lives together, let’s start with making a list of all the things you’re still mad or upset at your partner over that you want them to apologize for. Easy peasy.
You don’t put my needs ahead of the needs of your friends, I still feel hurt and betrayed by you because of the secrets that you kept, and I’m tired of tripping over the shoes you leave in the doorway
Next, make a list of all the things that you still need to apologize to your partner for. Oops — guess I’m not perfect, eh?
I can’t keep our place clean even though it’s important to you, I got a speeding ticket in your car, and you don’t feel heard whenever we fight and argue
Lastly, share these lists with your partner.
It may open up some old wounds but the intent is not to have the same old fights about the same old things. The purpose of this exercise is to practice saying, “I’m sorry” so that you two can start your marriage with a fresh page.
#6 — Just a Simple Game of Yes and No
At the beginning of the weekend, we were asked to rapid-fire answer 30 yes-no questions. You couldn’t write down the question — only the question number and whether your answer is yes or no.
Questions ranged from the full gambit of goofy to serious.
- Goofy — “Dark chocolate is the best type of chocolate”
- Semi-serious — “I am ok with having a TV in the bedroom”
- Serious — “I would move for my spouse’s career”
- Danger zone — “I would be ok with your mother living with us”
At the end of the weekend, when everyone’s forgotten which questions were associated with which number, they asked us all to stand up. Then they directed us — “If you answered yes to question 5, please stand to the left; if you answered no, please stand to the right”.
With each question, you look to see if you’re walking towards the same side of the room or the opposite side of the room as your partner. I can tell you it’s pretty nerve-wracking to look at your partner from across the room wondering if this was a goofy or serious question!
Conclusion
Ultimately, our experience with pre-marriage counseling was fantastic.
While these topics for discussion aren’t rocket science, it’s not often that you have a dedicated period of time to actually lay it all out there with your partner.
Trapped in that room with no phones or other electronic devices, you and your partner are free from the distractions of daily life. Facilitated by a neutral party to reduce the finger-pointing and guided to minimize fighting, pre-marriage counseling becomes a platform for healthy relationship discussions.
It helped ensure we wanted the same things in life and in our relationship. It laid a foundation for our marriage that might not otherwise have been as solid. And most importantly, it helped us come to peace with our past fights, disagreements, and arguments so that we could start our marriage afresh.