Six C’s to Assertive Communication

Communication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners — for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It’s respectful, direct, honest, open, non-threatening and non-defensive. It’s not demanding, aggressive, or manipulative.
Communication is learned. With practice you can learn to be assertive. It will raise self-esteem and self-assurance and improves your relationships and performance at work.
Some people believe assertiveness is mean or sounds aggressive. But it’s not, it’s being courteous, calm, clear and concise.
One key to effective communication is congruence, meaning you’re authentic, meaning honesty and congruence. Truthfulness is about facts. Honesty has more to do with intent and feelings. When your words don’t match your insides, you’re incongruent and sending a mixed message.
Cognizance of your audience is essential. You must hear in order to be heard. To be an effective communicator, listen with attention and respect to what others have to say. Genuine listening engages them and helps you attune your message so that others will be receptive.
Claiming yourself is the hardest element. You must take responsibility for your opinions, thoughts, feelings, and needs. That means you don’t blame or talk about the other person. Don’t tell them what they should do, or what some expert said. Use “I” messages and claim what you think and feel.
Learning assertiveness takes practice. Read how in How To Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits or watch a webinar How to Be Assertive.
© Darlene Lancer, JD LMFT 2021
