LIFE & DEATH
6 Hard Truths I’ve Learned Because My Mom Died
You never get over the loss, you learn to live with it
In this life, I’ve learned that we are often feeling invincible. We feel invincible when it comes to the subject of death. It obvious to us all how close death is, but we are also very good at dismissing how close it actually is to us. Maybe this pretentious disposition is actually what makes us human and helps us maintain our sanity. Rather than entertaining the thought of death and mulling over it, we reject the thought outrightly whenever it invades our consciousness. This is because avoiding the concerns surrounding our own death and that of our loved ones, allow us to concentrate on living our best lives without constantly wondering how close death is.
I know you will consider it morbid and odd if you found out that someone spends his time pondering about death. And yes, I will definitely see such a person the same way too, if he’s spending all of his time doing it.
But truth is, when my mom died over a year ago, I found myself pondering about death a lot. I started mulling over what death is and what it means for the dead person and also for us still living. I couldn’t comprehend enough what death meant in the light of the dead person, beyond the rationally obvious, that death is a sort of transition. An ending of one life here, and the continuation of the same, or maybe a different one somewhere else. This conclusion comes broadly from my religious disposition as a Christian.
Now the part that was within my rational comprehension was the question on death in relation to life. The question: what does death mean to us who are still living?
This dark period of my life granted me the opportunity to consider this question more deeply. The events leading to my mom’s death, the period before, during, and after her burial, all offered valuable insight into answering this lingering question. I was encouraged to finally confront this thought of death, to reflect, to consider it — what it is, but more importantly what lessons it’s supposed to teach us who are still living.
And the lessons I found are the pith of this article. In applying these lessons in my own life, I’ve had to resolve and course correct. I now have a completely different outlook on life and people. I’m happier and more composed with my life now than I was before.
1. You only live once (YOLO)
This term may sound quite banal now because we’re in 2021. It’s the acronym for “You Only Live Once”. It’s been around for decades before it sprung up as a trend on social media and Twitter in 2012. You can trace most of the buzz that surrounded it to the Canadian rapper Drake who referenced it in the “Motto” song on his album “Take Care”.
YOLO embodies qualities such as grit, perseverance and defiance. It encourages people to live out their best life, knowing they only have one attempt at it. It challenges people to chase after their dreams and become that dream. It encourages people to stop being people pleasers and put their own needs at the fore. It’s also rather, unfortunately, became a mantra for living precariously and recklessly considering that one only lives just ones.
My mom dying awoken my awareness of the undeniable truth that I only live once. That life will still continue to advance forward, with or without me. I’m now living a life of complete awareness of my vulnerabilities and mortality. I now do things with a deep sense of essence and purpose, knowing I may not be around tomorrow. I relish the things I do. I’ve taken to not being overly apprehensive about any situation.
I continue to work hard and press forward. But I’ve learned to give a lot more to my personal being, spiritual life, my physical and mental health. I’m learning more about life and balance every single day.
2. You are not invincible
I admit fully now that I’m not invincible, and that is also true for you as well. Everyone one of us is alive today for several reasons, but none of those reasons is because we are invincible and outside the reach of death. Each one of us one day will have our lives run it course and finally, death will come along and guide our transition to the other side. Your death will happen, one way or another — whether it’s dying from a terminal illness, an unfortunate accident, or if you’re fortunate enough, a peaceful death whiles you sleep. Whether grim or pleasant, acknowledging my vulnerability and mortality has served me well. It has granted me the encouragement I need for life. Admission of this vulnerability has rewired my brain to consider life as a gift, one that I have to relish and live out fully.
Now I live my life every day taking advantage of opportunities and also creating rich human connections, trying to reduce the number of items I will have on my regret list when the time comes for me to transition.
2. You owe nobody; you owe only you
I believe in altruism. I believe in generosity. These are honourable virtues. These virtues make this world a much better place to live in. But I’ve also come to believe in self-care and self-love. Giving attention to myself, my needs, and sometimes seasonally, caring little or none about others. If you are someone like me who is extremely compassionate and also considers other people’s opinion about you, then you know exactly how difficult it sometimes is, trying to resolve the inevitable conflict within yourself, trying to love yourself and others all at the same time.
Finding a balance between helping myself and helping others has been difficult. Since my mom died, I’ve learned to identify the seasons in my life when I have to become “selfish” and give attention and care to myself and my own direction. I know this sound unpleasant to hear. Yes! this is the hard truth. I now know that to be better and capable of helping others, occasionally, I’m going to have to first-of-all concentrate on myself, become what I need to become, climb to the top of the mountain and throw down the rope of help to others. I need to be honest, learning to do this has been very challenging because it’s completely opposite to who I inherently am — I am compassionate, I’m sympathetic, I love passionately. You’re going to have to learn to be selfish for a season. “Selfishness for a season” a phrase I’ve adopted, which means to help others. To sometimes help people adequately and effectively, I may have to for a season be selfish with my own needs and goals. I may need to fight and restrain my intrinsic nature of always jumping in to help, even when that comes at a great personal cost.
3. Life will still go on without you
Life will continue with or without you. If you die today, there will be someone to assume your position. Nothing really matters except this moment, the life you have right now. In 2012, my country, Ghana, for the first time in history lost a sitting president, President John Atta Mills. And just last year, November 12, 2020, we lost an ex-president, Jerry John Rawlings. The deaths of these prominent and influential personalities, including my mom, make me realize how the only constant in this world is life. How everything else continues to advance forward, with or without us. No matter our impact and influence, when we’re dead, we’re dead and everything else that once revolved around us somehow finds other ways to thrive without us.
This understanding of life, that it perpetuates itself with or without me is humbling. It encourages me to live appreciating the gift of every moment. I’m encouraged to live in the moment and strive to create impactful and timeless relationships with others. People may grieve when I pass away but will move on with the gift of time. They will occasionally remember me and recount the experiences we shared. But they will not end their own lives because I’ve passed on. That’s absurd.
My mom passing away hammered this home for me. Yes, I loved my mom; yes I will travel the ends of the world to have her alive; yes, she played a pivotal role in my life; yet I could not or did not end my own life because she passed. I can only cherish and honour the memories I had with her. I think about her a lot, almost every day. But I’m not putting my life on hold to do only that. I don’t believe it is what she would want for me.
4. You have only their memories when they are gone
It’s incredible how valuable I now consider human experiences. I now take time to appreciate the people in my life — family, friends, acquaintances. I’m very much mindful of what I say and do not say. I am now more inclined to say hello when I bump into you than to just walk past you because I do not know you. I now find the time to call family and check in on how they are doing. I now choose to wear a smile wherever I go out. I share this smile with as many people as I can. I’ve learned not to take too seriously people and their actions. I no longer react hastily to people's actions. I let my anger simmer before I respond, and that is when I have to. I now occasionally overlook, stay silent when someone offends me. I’ve learned to control my actions and not react so much to other people’s actions. I’ve learned and have adopted the Law of the Garbage Truck.
These sudden changes are all because my mom passed. I’ve noticed that when I’m no longer around, all that the world or at least my loved ones will have of me are memories — be it good or bad. My mom left us with a lot of good memories, and I’m thankful for them. Whenever I think about her, all the memories I have are of pleasant moments. I have chosen to also, as much as is possible, leave beautiful memories with my loved ones when I pass away someday. I’ve decided to develop rich and inspiring experiences with people. Maybe when I’m not around tomorrow, they will speak well of me, and relive the wonderful memories and experiences we had together and smile to themselves.
5. Memories can sometimes be haunting
Lossing a close relative could leave you with really dark memories. The kind of memories that are so haunting they keep you awake in the middle of the night. I’m fortunate I do not have any of such dark experience with my mom passing.
Now, just as our dead loved ones leave us with memories of lovely experiences. They can also leave us with very haunting experiences. Their death could open up doors to emotional trauma and experiences we have not dealt with. Memories we have been dumping in a cesspit for years. The death of a loved one often causes such pits to overflow and cause a colossal mess. These unpleasant or haunting memories often force us to reassess ourselves and the things that are important to us.
Lossing someone is an experience that will force you to deal with conflicts you may not have the desire to address. Death can make you a victim of self-guilt. Self-guilt can be one of the difficult things you will have to deal with when you lose someone. You’ll wonder if things could have been different if you had done some things differently. Maybe if you had spent more time with them; maybe if you had visited them a lot often; maybe if you had offered the financial help they needed but didn’t ask.
These are very haunting memories and experiences, and they can take considerable time to deal with. Some people may require therapy to deal with them.
6. You never get over losing loved ones, you learn to live with the loss
It's been over a year now since my mom left us. And the vast void she left in our lives remains. It’s huge and daily I notice how it can not be filled. At first, it hurt a lot. It still does. I’ve had bad days because of random thoughts of her that come to me. They come uninvited. I have these thoughts almost every single day. I used to break down and cry, no matter where I would find myself — at home, on my commute, at work, hanging out with friends… anywhere. I will sob, hiding my face and tears in my palms. Nobody sees me crying, but I do. It’s been difficult comprehending fully that she is no longer here.
I have learned that I can not put this life-changing moment behind me. I can not erase this memory of the dark day when my beloved mom left without saying goodbye. The day she woke up fine with no health issues, but that day became the last day she saw the sunrise. It’s wrenching to imagine how scared she might have been. It’s difficult to make sense of why it had to be her. It’s extremely emotionally exhausting knowing that she will not be part of momentous occasions in my life as the day I will get married; the day her grandchild will be born. It hurts, extremely, and this hurt is not palpable unless you’ve also lost someone dear to you.
These emotions and thoughts wash over me constantly now and then. I know I can’t change it, but I have learned to manage it and not allow it to overshadow the goodness that remains in my life. I’ve learned to not miss out on amazing experiences with lovely folks that I’m blessed to still have here with me.
I speak to myself and I know if she was alive and here today, all that she would wish for me is for me to be happy and to run forth, chasing my dreams and aspirations. And so that is what I’m doing. I do that everyday whiles admitting I miss her and things would have been a lot better and beautiful if she was here. I also admit that, even in her absence, things are still beautiful because others have moved into our lives not to take their place but to offer their support.
I’m learning to live with this immense loss, and it’s alright for me to not feel alright some days.
Final Thoughts
Losing my mom has been extremely difficult. I’m still healing from it, but I don’t think I will truly fully recover from losing her. But as much as it’s been a painful experience, it has also brought about an enormous, significant change in my outlook and perspective of life.
To recap, these are the hard truth I’ve learned because my mom passed away.
- You only live once (YOLO)
- You are not invincible
- You owe nobody; you owe only you
- Life will still go on without you
- You have only their memories when they are gone
- Memories can sometimes be haunting
