Holidays +Humor
6 Gift Ideas To Sweep Someone Off Their Feet
Spread some real love this season
I always feel jolly around Christmas. Something about the jingles, a long white beard, and the snow. JK, I despise long beards and the snow. But the jingles are cool.
The first time I saw snow was in Beauty and the Beast when Belle throws snowballs at her capture, and she sinks into the snow in her gown. I can’t imagine stepping out of the house like that in minus fifty degrees. What a lie. I hate it when Disney does that.
Have you ever jumped into snow? I almost broke my tooth doing it. I thought I would bounce off like Belle. Fluffly is a lie. Cotton candy is fluffy. Snow is soft as it falls and freezes up immediately to become a block of ice. Don’t jump into the snow. Ever.
Snow is more like the episode before the last in Game Of Thrones when John Snow opens the gates, and it’s white as hell. It’s so cold you can hear it. I don’t know why hell is reserved for fire. Once you’ve been through a Montreal winter, you know what the hell is.
Anyway, I’m not giving out any presents this year; I want my friends to take I am enough seriously, but I sure have some good ideas.
- For the men trying to impress a lady, flowers are amazing, and we buy them for ourselves now. Guys have to step it up a notch. I don’t think I could ever reject a person who sent me a puppy bouquet. Look at those faces.
2. A boyfriend pillow. For your independent friend who doesn’t need a man but doesn’t mind some muscles around. Personally, I would love this in all sizes and colors. Something for those long nights when you’re typing away on your laptop, and you just need an arm around you that doesn’t have an opinion.
3. A Grammarly Premium subscription. You have no idea how much it changed my life; I feel like a Doctor. Once the app is done editing my work, I get to judge people. She used a comma instead of a semicolon,🧐 that’s ridiculous!
4. Fuck the patriarchy merchandise from Mona Eltahawy. I love it. This is fucking romantic. I want wallpaper.
5. Or the Mona Eltahawy badge. I’ll see it anywhere and be like, OMG, that’s Mona, and she’s saying fuck off, kitten. No, she says, fuck the patriarchy and fuck the footsoldiers of the patriarchy and fuck being polite and fuck racists. Other than that, she has no fucks to give. I want one so bad.
6. Finally, I’ve seen loads of writers wish they could hide out in the woods and finish their book on a typewriter, there is something meaningful about it. But there is something regal about using a quill and a wax seal with sigils. That would seriously make me feel important. I would sign everything off as Fuck thou, regards Nada Chehade.
That’s it for now, folks. Happy shopping and happy holidays.