6 Essential Tips to Make it on Medium

(and top-notch hints to follow)

6 Most Effective Tips (plus extra hints) to Truly Succeed and Profit on Medium.

Frustrated by the lack of success? Stop wasting your time with clickbait!

Don’t worry. I got you.

You have a problem that has you scratching your head because you just can’t figure it out.

You have done everything by the book, read a million how-to’s, followed, subscribed, and comment in all the right places.

Bothered everyone with the same questions to the point of almost getting blocked.

You even emailed coach Tony complaining of the lack of positive results and threatened him with a lawsuit since you quit your Uber driving thinking this was the next gold rush. Now you want payback.

I feel you. No one else does.

Now, listen to me.

First things first: You’re doing it all wrong. And you have been, for quite some time now. Waste, waste of time. Absolutely.

Forget all that you’ve been told and start anew. Like a baby.

This is what you really need to do:

• Get a lawyer (pro Bono won’t do)
• Get an accountant. One that won’t rip you off.
• Open a separate bank account to use specifically to stash your profits, preferably off-shore.
• Exercise, sign up for the gym, and get in good shape. You’re gonna need it. Take B12.
• If you have a wife, get rid of her. She’ll take it all as soon as she catches up that now you’re loaded. (Good thing you have a lawyer).
• Open a different Medium account. You’ve burnt this one.
• Invest in your portfolio like you have never done before. Have equity.
• Open an LLC company and get into stock and bonds. Start by investing in Medium first.
• Side hustle: Anything you can think of, including telling everyone to join your enterprise. Give your enterprise a name. Something sexy.
• Get members of your family to become your affiliates and use their money to invest in this project. Promise them high returns.
• Hit all social media, namely, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, and blogs if you have any. Link everything to your new Medium account.
• Make posts on the site about how fast you’re making it and what little effort was involved.
• Engage your audience by asking them to invite everybody and their mothers to come to Papa (that’s you).
• Sit back, relax, and breathe. Then look at your progress already. Yes, what you see is real money coming in. Do not hyperventilate.
• Excel your income and confer with your accountant. Trust but verify. If Excel confirms that you’re almost rich, print the data and show it to everyone as proof.
• Hire employees to help and install VPN networks. You’re gonna need them. Download Tor.
• Write a letter to Coach Tony apologizing for your behavior.
• Anything is possible but you never know, so don’t quit Uber yet. Just in case.

That’s it!

There you have it. The key to success on the world-famous Medium platform.

Live the life of your dreams while you’re still able!