When You Just Want to Stay Home — and How to Make a Comeback

Blame the pandemic for a loss of social fitness.

You get a text message from a good friend: let’s catch up this weekend?

You stare at the screen for a moment. Once you’d have flicked back a smiley emoji. Count me in. Name the time and place.

Now you’re hesitating, over-thinking the details; where they want to meet, who’ll be there, if they’re vaxxed, even what’ll you wear. Going out feels so hard, and your own couch so comfortable, you find yourself looking for an excuse to bail out.

What’s going on?

Welcome to a new kind of social anxiety, the loss of “social fitness” brought about by chronic pandemic restrictions, working and schooling from home, isolation/loneliness and health and safety worries.

As well as fewer social events, there’s been a significant decline in the casual contact that fosters psychological wellbeing, helps combat loneliness and make us feel better about ourselves and others. Those small interactions — greetings, smiles and gestures, promote courtesy and tolerance, too. Think working alongside others, taking public transport, making small talk with people in the street, in stores — anywhere, really.

Without that contact, our social muscle weakens. We can feel out of sorts around others, more shy or awkward, more uptight, less inclined to meet new people or even get together with friends — and less interesting when we do. When you’ve barely left your house in weeks, it’s harder to make good conversation. Latest Covid stats, anyone?

Social Anxiety is Different

Social anxiety, clinically speaking, is a treatable psychological condition marked by fear, anxiety and avoidance that impacts a person’s relationships, personally and professionally. Like most therapists I’ve worked with people who struggle with social anxiety. It goes well beyond shyness: there’s usually extreme self-consciousness and a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being negatively judged by others. Left unchecked, it can cause considerable suffering.

Social anxiety shouldn’t be confused with the social struggles triggered, and maintained, by the Covid landscape. For most people these struggles will show up as a loss of confidence around others, avoiding social situations or withdrawing from events (e.g. watching the clock to go home early), or finding social events a chore when they used to be fun.

The pandemic has led to a change in social behaviour — a UK study showed people are spending between 7 and 10% more time at home. Expect those trends to be widespread as people opt to work from home and curtail their social activities due to restrictions or because — as one of my clients put it — socialising just feels like “hard work”.

Psychologically, extroverts have probably become socially “lazier” during Covid while those who are more introverted or struggle with general or health anxiety have the best excuse to stay home.

The key is to consider how, and how much, your social activity has changed and whether those changes are healthy, such as a move to a simpler, less frenetic life, or being driven by anxiety and, therefore, narrowing your options or promoting unhealthy behaviours.

Feeling a little out of sorts socially is to be expected as we navigate our new landscape. But it’s important to keep your social muscle in shape because it makes a difference to your relationships and enjoyment of life.

Here are some tips to help.

* Practice being tolerant.

When people annoy us, it’s natural to want to avoid them. But it’s good to be around other people’s annoyingness— yes, even that person who never loads the office dishwasher. Tolerance is a skill that helps us live and be together peacefully. It reminds us that others have different views and perspectives from our own. And — remember — you also have flaws and quirks that exposure to other people helps you to moderate.

* Other people keep you current.

Being amongst all sorts of people, seeing where they socialise and eat out, their take on the latest movies, what they’re doing with their free time, what their problems are and how they’re coping with them, all keeps you current — and even feeling younger. And it’s a way more accurate picture of what’s really going on for people than you’ll find curated for you on social media.

* Focus on being a good listener.

There are two key skills in communications — speaking and listening, and the greatest of these is listening. If you feel shy or awkward making small talk, or feel you don’t have anything interesting to say, you can still show an interest in others, use their names and ask good questions. There are too few great listeners — aim to be one.

* Your contribution matters.

Yes, the online world is great (or at least partly great). In many ways it has kept us made a global pandemic survivable. But there is no substitute for human interaction — real, in the flesh, contact. By being out in the world you can — just with a smile, a conversation, a good deed, you can make someone else’s life better. And the kickback? The good feelings you create for someone else, make your own life better too.

Make your life bigger, not smaller.

Arguably the biggest downside of any kind of anxiety is that it shrinks our lives, makes us shy away from challenge, have fewer experiences, meet fewer people, do less than we are capable of. So say “yes” to at least some social invitations. Stay open to new experiences. Push yourself a little. And always — when you can — choose a big life over a small one.

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