53 Sneaky Red Flags That Your Man Is Cheating on You
Not every man cheats. It’s time to catch the ones that do.
Even the best of us get blindsided.
Sometimes your prince charming is really a parasite in disguise. If you pay attention, you’ll see the red flags that prove that your man is cheating on you.
But first, you have to know what to look for — some of the signs are obvious, others more subtle. Almost all of them come rooted in rock-solid science. In this article, you’ll learn the 53 sneaky red flags that your man is cheating on you.
According to a study that involved 441 participants, approximately half (46.1%) of people admitted to cheating. Surprisingly, respondents were more honest about cheating by sleeping with someone else than cheating by kissing.
Not every man cheats. It’s time to catch the ones that do.
Since this is a long list, I’m going to dive right into the signs. Consider this your master class of cheating red flags.
“Finding patterns is the essence of wisdom.” — Dennis Prager
1. His Friends Cheat
Turns out that the phrase “birds of a feather flock together” is based on science. A 2016 study suggests that we are hardwired to hang out with people who share our values, habits, and tastes.
That means, if his friends cheat, he probably cheats, too.
2. He Helps His Friends Cheat
Make that a double red flag if he helps his friends cheat on their significant other. His willing assistance shows a major lack of moral compass that hopefully gives you the green light to end the relationship.
3. He Is a Repeat Offender
The saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” may not always be true. However, if you man has strayed in the past, he is likely to wander off again. Even if he cheated in past relationships, he is more likely to cheat on you.
In fact, research suggests that he is three times more likely to cheat on you than partners who have never cheated in past relationships. Patterns die hard.
4. He Has Catholic Guilt Syndrome
If he wants you to stop doing nice things for him, that’s a red flag. This is sometimes called “Catholic Guilt Syndrome.”
Catholic Guilt Syndrome is when he feels ashamed of his behaviors. Therefore, he feels worse when you act kindly towards him. To assuage his guilt, at least temporarily, he will insist that you stop doing nice, thoughtful, or kind things for him.
A 2019 article by Annette Kämmerer in Scientific American explains the serious internal damage of shame:
We feel shame when we violate the social norms we believe in. At such moments we feel humiliated, exposed and small and are unable to look another person straight in the eye. We want to sink into the ground and disappear.
5. He Has a Big…Ego
Men with bigger egos — sometimes referred to as narcissists — are more prone to cheat. Dennis Lin, M.D., is a director of the psycho-sexual medicine program at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City. He says:
People with narcissistic personality traits feel that they’re entitled to more things than other people. They’re more likely to cheat because they feel they don’t have to play by the rules.
6. He Starts Acting Flaky
Men who cheat often flip-flop their schedule. They change plans, don’t show up, or miss scheduled appointments. In some ways, their cheating takes over their schedule.
They don’t call back. They forget. They act flaky.
Flakiness, as a pattern, can mean that he doesn’t respect your time. A regular show of disrespect often hints at deeper, underlying causes, like infidelity.
7. His Finances Don’t Add Up
Missing money? Strange credit card payments? There is always a money trail to cheating. Cheating isn’t free. In fact, cheating can be downright costly.
All those hotel bills, restaurants, and activities require money.
Marie Ebersacher, CBIZ forensic and financial services national practice leader shares her perspective:
People tend not to be very creative and smart when it comes to financing their affair. They think they are doing a good job, but if you pay close attention they leave financial clues.
If something doesn’t seem right, it usually isn’t. If he is hiding bank statements, credit card bills, or signing up for new cards, he might be up to something.
8. He Blows Up the ATM
Practiced cheaters use cash. They know debit and credit cards leave too much evidence. So they hit up the ATM — a lot.
If you notice an increased number of withdrawals, he could be cheating.
Unexplained large withdrawals (for say, hotel bills) should be instant red flags. But even a series of smaller withdrawals should raise suspicion. Unless your guy is secretly snacking or saving up for a gift for you, he could be up to no good.
Bonus Tip: At the same time that he is blowing up the ATM, he may display reluctance in making big purchases with you that show commitment (such as buying a car or a house).
9. His Dad Cheated
Just because a guy’s father cheated, doesn’t mean he will. However, it does increase the odds.
According to research, we get about 20% of our personality from our family. We tend to unconsciously learn from our parents or primary caretakers. This includes how to deal with stress and anxiety.
If your dad gambled or indulged in alcohol or drugs, you are more likely to do the same. If your mom ate when stressed, you will be more prone to handling stress by overeating.
10. He’s Addicted to His Phone
Cheaters suddenly seem obsessed with their phones. They constantly text or take strange calls from unknown entities.
If your man can’t get off his phone, he may be cheating. If he takes his phone everywhere — I mean everywhere — then he may be hiding something.
In an article in BestLife, sex therapist Dr. Damien notes:
Hiding a cell phone or taking it to the bathroom or even on the shortest trip to take out trash is a red flag. It means that the partner doesn’t want us to see something.
11. He Doesn’t Want Sex
A man who is getting his needs met elsewhere might noticeably stop initiating intimacy with you. He may suddenly not care about sex or any type of physical closeness.
However, it could be more subtle.
He may seem less interested in sex or simply get distracted during sex. He may be “phoning it in”. If you observe an unexplained lapse in his libido, he may very well be cheating.
12. He’s MIA
Can’t find your man? Is he disappearing to…somewhere? Anywhere? Where is that dude?
Cheaters often stay late at work, take 2 hours to drive 30 minutes to the store, or skip work altogether. If he’s cheating, there are likely times when he’s MIA.
You call, but you can’t reach him. He’s supposed to be in one place, but he’s nowhere to be found. If there is missing time in your man’s life, either he’s been abducted by aliens (and, let’s be honest, it’s possible), or he’s hiding something.
13. He Suddenly Keeps Secrets
When a man cheats, he often starts keeping secrets. His entire behavioral pattern can shift toward secrecy. You ask him where he went and his answer is “out” or “riding around”.
Um, ok. That’s not suspicious at all.
Licensed clinical psychologist, Ramani Durvasula, explains that cheaters “tend to engage in sins of omission.” Basically, your man keeps the details of his life close to the vest. Everything becomes hidden behind a thick wall of obfuscation.
14. He Starts Using Rare Words
According to research published in the Evolutionary Psychology journal, men use bigger or rarer words when they like someone. So, if you notice that his language improves around a certain someone, he is likely attracted to them.
This is one of those subtle, science-based signs that your man is cheating.
15. He Has a New Favorite Drink
When we spend enough time with a person, we unconsciously adopt the other person’s habits, catchphrases, and even preferences.
If your man switches favorite food items, specialty adult drinks, or music tastes, then he might have picked up his new preference from the other man or woman.
This also applies to the way he speaks. If he starts using a new word or phrase, he probably picked it up from someone new.
16. He Gets Dolled Up
It may come as no surprise that a man tends to focus more on his appearance when he is courting someone new. He may start hitting the gym after months or years of lethargy.
He may wear nicer clothes, shower more, or shave more often.
You might also be able to notice a difference in his grooming products and habits. He may splurge on the “good stuff,” the more expensive shampoos and body wash.
17. He Gets Super Defensive
Another red flag of a cheater is reflexive defensiveness. He may pick fights with you for no reason, overreact, and act defensively to simple questions.
Plenty of research underscores the downsides of defensiveness. There are several defensive behaviors he may exhibit (i.e., projection, avoidance, denial, repression, humor, etc).
18. He Puts a Password on His Phone
One potentially obvious red flag is if your man changes the password on his phone.
Sure, protecting your personal data is smart. However, if Mr. Lacadasical all of sudden is crazy concerned with his privacy, he could be cheating. Particularly if he refuses to give you his new password.
An Insider.com article on cheating signs says it with humor:
Unless you’re dating a CIA agent, chances are your partner’s phone isn’t holding any top secret information, unless they’re hiding something.
19. He Is a Thrillseeker
A 2010 study suggests that people with a specific gene, called the “thrill-seeker gene” are more likely to cheat. According to this study:
These findings show that genetic variation in the brain9s dopaminergic reward pathway appears to be an influential factor in individual differences in motivation to engage in sexual behavior of a risky and uncommitted nature.
This just means that if you man is into taking risks, he is statistically more likely to cheat.
20. He Lies Like a Champ
Shocker: If your man could win an academy award for lying, then he may be unfaithful.
A 2001 article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships emphasizes that lying is related to a lack of emotional connection. A lack of concern for the relationship means he is less attached and therefore more likely to cheat.
21. He Has Big Testicles
A surprising finding in the research is that bigger testicles correlate to higher levels of cheating. In the animal kingdom, males with larger testicles mate with many females to ensure reproduction. I wrote more about it here.
Biologically, males with bigger testicles are more prone to nonmonogamous sex.
22. He Has Mood Swings
Unless he is a psychopath (in that case, you have bigger problems), your guy is likely to experience mood changes if he is cheating. Guilt, shame, and remorse rollercoaster through him.
At any moment, he may sulk or lash out. Sometimes he is uncharacteristically chipper.
23. He Slouches (shame)
Body language experts confirm that certain nonverbal signals relate to internal feelings of shame. One such signal is slouching.
If your guy begins to slouch out of nowhere, he might be feeling the emotional weight of guilt about his cheating. It’s these subtle body language cues that can sometimes be the red flags that reveal the truth of his infidelity.
24. He Treats You Differently
He may treat you worse or better — depends on his baseline. The key here is to notice a change. Does he nitpick you and the relationship? Is he looking for flaws where none exist?
Any change is worthy of note. All change is based on some kind of trigger. It could be a health scare, impending mid-life crises, or spiritual awakening.
Then again, it could be underground hank-panky.
25. He Accuses You of Cheating
As we mentioned earlier, projection is a possible defensive move of cheaters. Your man might deflect attention to his straying ways by shifting focus onto you.
Cheaters predictably accuse others of cheating.
“These accusations are often a sign of self-guilt, and it also will put the blame on you, causing you to be on the defense and distracted from their actions.” — Bethany Ricciardi, sex and relationship expert
26. He Wants To Go Buy Tampons
Is he giddy to go buy tampons — or just get out of the house for any reason? Cheaters relish leaving to go see their other woman, so he will likely grin ear-to-ear whenever he exits the house.
This may relate to what’s called the “Cheater’s High”, where cheaters experience spikes of pleasure for getting away with their shenanigans.
Pay attention to how he feels when he leaves you versus when he arrives to spend time with you. Cheaters often feel sad when they arrive and upbeat when they leave.
27. He Feels No Remorse
If he’s cheating, then his moral compass is way off base. He is likely to justify his behavior so that he can stand to look at himself in the mirror. Those mental gymnastics will leak over into other areas of his life.
Meaning that he will display a lack of guilt, shame, and remorse over mistakes. He may seem colder and distant. An article by the MayoClinic points out that these traits also describe someone with an antisocial personality disorder.
28. He Gets Off…on the Rush
One rush is the so-called “Cheater’s High.” Another addictive rush is the honeymoon stage of relationships. He may live for those early days of elevated romance where everything is sunshine and rainbows.
Men addicted to that early relationship feeling often get antsy once the bliss eventually tapers off into something more sustainable. Then they seek that rush with someone else.
29. He Gets an STI
There are only so many ways to contract an STI, and the most likely is sex with someone other than you. It’s rare, physical evidence that is pretty tough to deny.
I mean, he will probably try to deny it. Cheaters usually do.
But, by that time, you’ll already have the duct tape and shovel packed in the back of your trunk. 😉
30. He Avoids Certain Locations
If he avoids certain parts of town, bars, or restaurants, it could because he’s afraid someone on staff will recognize him.
He doesn’t want his two worlds to collide. So, he’ll do anything to avoid those locations, usually at all costs. If you ever suggest a place and he completely overreacts for no reason, there might be a nefarious reason.
31. He Flipflops His Values
Most people don’t easily change their long-held values. If he was a dedicated churchgoer, then suddenly slacks off for no obvious reason, he may be cheating.
Change is hard. Unless there a logical reason (like a major transition in his life), if your man displays seismic changes to his most closely held values, pay close attention.
As Yoda would say, “Up to something, he is.”
32. He Overcompensates
Instead of ignoring you, he may overcompensate by lavishing you with gifts and attention. Just like a bluff in poker, most people overplay their hand.
He overcompensates to blind you from his cheating ways. He wants you happy so that you don’t suspect him.
He might also feel guilty about betraying your trust and his commitment. Therefore, to assuage his own guilt, he does nice things for you. It doesn’t really make up for what he’s doing, but he temporarily doesn’t hate himself as much.
33. He Makes More Eye Contact
Most people believe liars avoid eye contact. This can sometimes be true. However, according to research published in Psychiatry Psychology and Law, most of the time liars actually make more eye contact.
Why? The researchers in the study reported:
We hypothesized that liars seek more eye contact because they want to convince the interviewer that they are telling the truth and want to check whether the interviewer appears to believe them.
In other words, he looks at you because he wants to make sure you are buying his BS.
34. He Points at You
One subtle red flag focuses on your boyfriend, husband, or partner’s hands. Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass, says a cheater might use aggressive gestures such as pointing or stabbing a finger at you.
35. His Browser History
Almost no one clears their browser history unless they’re hiding something. If you check his computer and notice a completely wiped history, he might be cheating.
If he hasn’t cleared his history, you can see the website he’s visited. This might give you some indication of his activities.
36. He Goes to Bed Later
A common red flag among cheaters is an altered bedtime routine. Usually, they don’t go to bed at the same time you do. This is because they want personal space and privacy to communicate with the other person.
They may also appear more tired and exhausted than normal. If they are staying up late messaging or calling someone else, then they’re getting less sleep.
Paying attention to their sleep schedule and energy level can help you figure out if your man is being faithful.
37. He Never Answers His Phone Around You
A cheater might never answer his phone around you.
He may turn his notifications off or put his phone on silent. You might notice that he puts his phone in his pocket or turns it over with the screen facing down so that you can’t see any notifications.
38. He Suddenly Can’t Shut Up
Some liars get quiet, while others become a Chatty Cathy. But there are definite research-based signs to lying.
For example, if he uses way more words than necessary to explain his whereabouts, social media connections, or strange behaviors, he is likely lying. People often give way more details when they’re lying than when they are telling the truth.
39. He Downloads New Apps
A cheater might download new social media or messaging apps to communicate with the other man or woman. If you notice new apps on his phone related to messaging, this could be an indication of infidelity.
Of course, people add and remove apps on their phones all the time. It’s important to pay attention to the type of apps and how they’re being used.
40. He Wipes You Off of Social Media
Has he stopped posting you on social media? Is his relationship status suddenly hidden? Are you not getting any updates or notifications from his posts?
Some cheaters will completely wipe you off of their social media because they don’t want the other person to know that they are in a relationship. They may also have blocked you from seeing any or some of their posts.
41. He Avoids Friends and Family
Because of guilt, he may avoid his friends and family. Shame can isolate him from his close social network. Look for any changes to his pattern of spending time with his close friends or family.
He might also not be spending as much time with his friends and family because he is spending some of his time with the other woman.
42. He Smells Differently
Everyone has a distinct smell. In fact, studies have shown that both babies and older people emit unique smells. Sick people, too.
A 2012 study reported that you can identify certain personality traits based on odor alone. An article in Particle explained:
The results showed a strong relationship between odour and three personality types: extroversion, neuroticism and dominance. In other words, people who considered themselves neurotic, dominant or extrovert had particular body odours that odour raters consistently identified in this study.
If you notice his smell has changed, it could be because of the stress of hiding his infidelity. Or because of the smell of the other person on him.
A changed scent can also indicate that he is bathing more often, or using different body wash or shampoo.
43. His Car Miles Don’t Add Up
Your man’s car can be a rich source of evidence. You might find items under his seats or strewn on his floorboard.
Also, his car might display more miles than normal for his travel to and from work. If his car miles don’t add up, he may very well be hiding something.
44. His Friends Act Weird Around You
Odds are that at least one of his friends knows about his cheating. His best friend almost certainly knows.
An article on SurviveDivorce.com points out:
He may be doing a great job at covering his infidelity tracks, but somewhere in his buddy ecosystem there will be a weak link. If you sense that the conversations or the interactions with his buddies are different for no apparent reason, it may be because they already know what you may already suspect.
If his friends stop hanging out when you are with him, that could be a sign that they feel uncomfortable around you. One or more of his friends might act strangely or distant. Then again, they might act super friendly or chummy. They might overcompensate by making excuses for him or by assuring you that everything is peachy.
45. He Stops Talking About the Future
Another somewhat subtle side is a change in his talk about the future. He may stop talking about the future altogether. If he is cheating, he may not see a future with you. Or, he may simply not want to think about the future of your relationship.
46. He Starts Talking in the First Person
If he starts using “me” instead of “we” when talking, his language could indicate a lack of commitment and desire for independence. If he does talk about the future, he’s more likely to only include himself and not the two of you in the picture.
47. He Talks About His Behavior Like It’s Someone Else
When someone feels guilty or ashamed of their behavior, they tend to disassociate.
Studies show that disassociation is associated with prolonged guilt. To avoid feeling bad, your man may talk about his actions as if somebody else is doing them.
He might say, “I can’t believe that happened” instead of “I can’t believe that I did that.”
48. He Has New Sex Moves
Is your man bringing new sex moves into the bedroom? Does he all of a sudden know new positions or techniques? If there is no explanation (such as him brushing up with a book or online), take note.
When a person is cheating, they often experiment. They indulge in a variety of sexual experiences. New sex moves come from somewhere. That somewhere might be his new someone.
49. They Start Rocking
Rocking back and forth can be an unconscious body language sign of nervousness. If your man is rocking back and forth around you, it could be because he is anxious about his lying.
He may also feel uncomfortable about his betrayals.
50. He Gets Distracted All the Time
There are a lot of reasons a man might get distracted when he’s cheating. He may be tired from staying up late messaging the other person.
Then again, he may be distracted because he is thinking about the other man or woman. Guilt and shame can also keep him distracted. If he is zoning out often, could be a red flag of him cheating.
51. He Gets Unexplained Strange Marks on His Body
Cheaters sometimes show up with strange marks or bruises on their bodies.
Unexplained marks on his body can be a clear sign of cheating. In particular, check for marks on his neck and chest. These can be sex-related signs he has strayed.
52. He Wants You Out of the House
Not only does he want to get out of the house, but he’s also more than happy for you to leave. He may push you to go out with your friends, stay at work, or visit family.
Heck, he starts excitedly talking up the benefits of separate vacations. If he seems extremely eager to get rid of you, he may be cheating. After all, the less time with you, the more time that he can spend with the other person.
53. They Display Duper’s Delight
Duper’s delight is when someone enjoys another person’s pain. If you see your man smiling when you’re expressing pain, He may be experiencing Duper’s Delight.
Recognized body language expert, Paul Ekman, points out:
Probably what I call duping delight, the near irresistible thrill some people feel in taking a risk and getting away with it. Sometimes it includes contempt for the target who is being so ruthlessly and successfully exploited. It is hard to contain duping delight; those who feel it want to share their accomplishments with others, seeking admiration for their exploits.
This condition is common among cheaters who don’t care much or who have stopped caring altogether.
How To Use This List
“Any one sign won’t tell you that your man is cheating. — Leslie Seppinni, Psy.D, Los Angeles family therapist and psychologist .
Now that you know the signs of cheating, how do you use them? The main idea to remember is that a single sign doesn’t mean that he is necessarily cheating.
He may be going through something at work or with his family or friends. Any small or major change might throw him and his schedule off his normal habits. Transitions tend to trigger transformations.
One of the keys to many of these red flags is a change in his usual behavior, habits, or personality. Look for changes.
To use this list, I recommend that you look for at least three (or more) red flags. Three signs demonstrate at least a cluster of suspicious behavior.
The more red flags you see, the more likely he is hiding something.
Suggestions for maximizing this list:
- Note any changes to his normal behavior, speech patterns, or activities. Many of the flags involve some form of change from the norm.
- Watch his use of technology. Many of the red flags involve cell phones, apps, and websites.
- Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
- Study his body language. Several of the red flags focus on his body. Is he slouching? Pointing at you? Giving you more eye contact? Is he easily distracted all the time?
- Follow the money. There is always a trail to follow. Always.
Final Thoughts
If you do suspect that your man is cheating, the best course of action is to talk to him. Ask him to talk openly and honestly about what may or may not be going on with his life.
Calmly and nonjudgmentally point out a few of the signs you’ve noticed. See how he responds. He may provide simple answers that clear up any misunderstandings. He may be totally innocent.
Then, again, he may be a practiced cheater with a Chesire Cat grin. The more signs that you see, the more likely this is the case.
Always remember that you deserve absolute honesty, integrity, and commitment. If you do that, you’ll do fine.
