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guy.</p><p id="72d3">Which is a bad sign. I can’t imagine marrying the guy. Whereas Jeremy put the idea in my head of living together long-term and it worked out perfectly. Well, minus the part where he wanted to fuck other women while still dating.</p><p id="c2f0">Otherwise, Carlos is everything women want. He picks me up for dates. He takes my trash out and will do all the heavy lifting without my asking. He’s excited to see me and makes time for us. He’s told all of his friends about me. He thinks I’m gorgeous, even if I’ve gained a few pounds. He wants to know things like my favorite chocolate and flowers (<i>I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t like flowers, especially after he brought over a vase for all the future flowers he intends to get me</i>). <a href="https://readmedium.com/afb8a8c82398">He messages me back almost immediately</a>, which is a far cry from Jeremy and long absences.</p><p id="6365">The guy loves sex. He loves sex with me. Carlos can go multiple times in a night, which sounds great until you experience it in your forties. I’m too old for those antics. He’s also obsessed with licking between my legs, which is fine but doesn’t get me off since <a href="https://readmedium.com/dead-bedrooms-are-about-more-than-just-sex-f8f71ddbb78c">I spent an entire marriage using sex toys</a>. Unless your tongue can move at superhuman speeds, I don’t care for it. But it turns him on, so I fake my way through ages of it until I coo, “ohhh I can’t handle it, I neeeeed you nowwww”.</p><p id="21f5">While he’s not very tall, he lifts weights for almost two hours every day. His belly button is weird (<i>I know he’s self-conscious about it so I haven’t asked what kind of flesh-eating gremlin created that monstrosity</i>) which is like trying to ignore a third nipple. I have to avoid my gaze looking down or else I’ll throw up.</p><p id="7df3">Attractiveness isn’t just about looks. A man can be sexy without being an Adonis.</p><p id="c1eb">Except Carlos isn’t good-looking nor is he sexy. Which is becoming a problem.</p><p id="7384">For me, sexiness is a combination of wit, intelligence, humor (<i>not the same as wit</i>), and confidence. While Carlos is laid-back, chatty, and confident, he lacks the first two list items.</p><p id="97f5"><a href="https://readmedium.com/a4fe8487d148">Jeremy and I used to laugh nonstop</a>. <a href="https://readmedium.com/42e296eb06a6">Jon and I used to laugh nonstop</a>. Carlos and I…well, <i>he’s</i> laughing at least.</p><p id="ad41">Wit is a sign of intelligence. Carlos texts me random dad jokes. To pull off a dad joke successfully without being an annoying eye-roll is difficult. Very few men can pull it off. When Carlos tries, it’s like the text version of an eighties sitcom with a laugh track.</p><p id="8053">It’s not even cute. It forces me to figure out whether he’s telling a dad joke or trying to tell me something serious in a badly-written text (<i>there is never a “hey, want to hear a bad dad joke” preface for context</i>). Then I have to engage in the shitty joke. It falls back to men’s desire for women “with a sense of humor”.</p><p id="6894">Men don’t want a woman with a sense of humor. They want women who will laugh at their jokes. There’s a difference.</p><p id="0bfd">The worst part? Carlos reminds me of Thomas, a guy I dated before Jeremy. He’s Thomas 2.0.</p><p id="d21e">Aside from the financial stability

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difference, they’re remarkably the same. They’re both oddly into me and I feel smothered. Neither of them is smart. They want tons of sex. I’m forced to host at my house because their living situations aren’t ideal.</p><p id="b3f5">In the brown culture, the only respectable careers are doctor, lawyer, or engineer. I have a Bachelor of Science. Jon is a doctor. Jeremy is an engineer. Carlos is in sales.</p><p id="e4de">I’ve dated guys in sales. But they were the VPs of sales. Carlos is studying to switch over to real estate. He’s not running an empire anytime soon.</p><p id="ffcd">Why am I dating him when all I do is compare him to Jeremy? (<i>Sigh. Jeremy. Fuck I miss his blue eyes and perfect smile.</i>)</p><p id="9bcf">Objectively, I know Jeremy is a douchebag. He can suck a dick for all I care. But I miss the <i>feeling</i> I had with him. I was proud to be next to him. I loved spending time with him. I made efforts to work out and look good when I was with him. I never wanted our time to end.</p><p id="df1b">Limerence. I miss <i>limerence</i>. After my first date with Carlos, I haven’t felt it since. Shouldn’t I feel it for at least a week before it wanes?</p><p id="d6dd">I’ve done therapy for all of my adult life. This isn’t something I can work on for an hour a week for a psychologist to resolve why I’m not attracted to a seemingly great guy.</p><p id="5b34">The problem with a shitty childhood is questioning your judgment. I don’t know if my issues with Carlos are legitimate or if is it a case of, “When a guy treats me well I stop being attracted to him because I need to recreate the awful patterns of my childhood?”</p><p id="d718">Being with Jeremy recreated plenty of childhood emotions. I never felt like I was his type because I’m not a cookie-cutter sorority girl who talks about her kids’ soccer practices and has parents he can easily meet. I busted my ass to be perfect because like I felt growing up, I wanted to blend into a world that isn’t mine.</p><p id="277f">Carlos is a sweet man who puts me on a pedestal but sometimes I think, “meh, I’d rather read a book than see him tonight”. That can’t be good.</p><div id="a0f9" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/relationship-breadcrumbing-so-subtle-its-almost-invisible-f227ff79dd06"> <div> <div> <h2>Relationship Breadcrumbing So Subtle, It’s Almost Invisible</h2> <div><h3>It’s impossible to see when you’re in the thick of it.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*nEQHnOADrJcgxWc-)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d906" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/when-a-madonna-whore-complex-happens-after-marriage-36d07243203"> <div> <div> <h2>When a Madonna-Whore Complex Happens After Marriage</h2> <div><h3>I never thought it would happen to me.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*yBCfLVejh4pCtL0l)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

A Relationship Ghost Is Ruining My Love Life

That dude needs to GTFO.

Note: don’t search for “ghost” in Medium’s Unsplash photo option. Some of those photographers are downright effed up.

Three days ago would have been my first anniversary with Jeremy.

Ask me when I began dating Carlos. Answer: I have no idea. Was our first date six weeks ago? Four weeks ago? Two months? Fuck if I know.

I know my anniversary with Jeremy because it was the day after his 48th birthday. When is Carlos’ birthday? I dunno. How old is he? I think he’s 42 but I look like a dick if I ask now.

I’ve done my best to get over Jeremy. I held firm with No Contact. I cried, I threw out things with memories, I retrieved from the trash the things with memories of financial value, and I began dating.

I’m still struggling. The only thought that’s kept me sane is that it took me over a year to get over my breakup with Jon. But it finally happened. I saw him after my breakup with Jeremy (I needed someone to boost my self-esteem, plus I need some plastic surgery at low ex-girlfriend prices) and my limerence for him is long gone.

When I saw Jon, our bartender was floored we weren’t together because he and I vibe perfectly together. It made me feel good to know that I’m able to move on.

It took me two years to find someone again. And if anyone’s read my Medium articles (for those of you who do, I owe you an apology and many drinks for hours of your life lost), you know I whored the fuck out of life after my divorce.

I don’t have it in me to date like a full-time job again. It was exhausting. And I’ve depleted the supply of quality men in my age demographic. It’s not like there are loads of single, financially-stable, attractive men who are half a century old and have children.

Yes, I learned that having children is a requirement.

Within a week of my breakup with Jeremy, I deleted Hinge. I tried Bumble for a while and discovered Jeremy was on that app too. There are few “organic” ways to meet men in my age bracket.

I met Carlos by clicking the heart icon in the Facebook app. It’s not even available from the desktop version (which is weird, but whatever).

The guy isn’t perfect. He moved in with his parents after selling the house during his divorce and with interest rates, it’d be insane for him to attempt to buy anything right now. On the flip side, I don’t feel bad letting Carlos pay for almost everything since I’ve got a mortgage and he doesn’t.

There’s also a huge difference career-wise between a 42-year-old man and one a decade older. Carlos is taking classes to change careers. I prefer men who are already at the top of the ladder but I’m not marrying the guy.

Which is a bad sign. I can’t imagine marrying the guy. Whereas Jeremy put the idea in my head of living together long-term and it worked out perfectly. Well, minus the part where he wanted to fuck other women while still dating.

Otherwise, Carlos is everything women want. He picks me up for dates. He takes my trash out and will do all the heavy lifting without my asking. He’s excited to see me and makes time for us. He’s told all of his friends about me. He thinks I’m gorgeous, even if I’ve gained a few pounds. He wants to know things like my favorite chocolate and flowers (I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t like flowers, especially after he brought over a vase for all the future flowers he intends to get me). He messages me back almost immediately, which is a far cry from Jeremy and long absences.

The guy loves sex. He loves sex with me. Carlos can go multiple times in a night, which sounds great until you experience it in your forties. I’m too old for those antics. He’s also obsessed with licking between my legs, which is fine but doesn’t get me off since I spent an entire marriage using sex toys. Unless your tongue can move at superhuman speeds, I don’t care for it. But it turns him on, so I fake my way through ages of it until I coo, “ohhh I can’t handle it, I neeeeed you nowwww”.

While he’s not very tall, he lifts weights for almost two hours every day. His belly button is weird (I know he’s self-conscious about it so I haven’t asked what kind of flesh-eating gremlin created that monstrosity) which is like trying to ignore a third nipple. I have to avoid my gaze looking down or else I’ll throw up.

Attractiveness isn’t just about looks. A man can be sexy without being an Adonis.

Except Carlos isn’t good-looking nor is he sexy. Which is becoming a problem.

For me, sexiness is a combination of wit, intelligence, humor (not the same as wit), and confidence. While Carlos is laid-back, chatty, and confident, he lacks the first two list items.

Jeremy and I used to laugh nonstop. Jon and I used to laugh nonstop. Carlos and I…well, he’s laughing at least.

Wit is a sign of intelligence. Carlos texts me random dad jokes. To pull off a dad joke successfully without being an annoying eye-roll is difficult. Very few men can pull it off. When Carlos tries, it’s like the text version of an eighties sitcom with a laugh track.

It’s not even cute. It forces me to figure out whether he’s telling a dad joke or trying to tell me something serious in a badly-written text (there is never a “hey, want to hear a bad dad joke” preface for context). Then I have to engage in the shitty joke. It falls back to men’s desire for women “with a sense of humor”.

Men don’t want a woman with a sense of humor. They want women who will laugh at their jokes. There’s a difference.

The worst part? Carlos reminds me of Thomas, a guy I dated before Jeremy. He’s Thomas 2.0.

Aside from the financial stability difference, they’re remarkably the same. They’re both oddly into me and I feel smothered. Neither of them is smart. They want tons of sex. I’m forced to host at my house because their living situations aren’t ideal.

In the brown culture, the only respectable careers are doctor, lawyer, or engineer. I have a Bachelor of Science. Jon is a doctor. Jeremy is an engineer. Carlos is in sales.

I’ve dated guys in sales. But they were the VPs of sales. Carlos is studying to switch over to real estate. He’s not running an empire anytime soon.

Why am I dating him when all I do is compare him to Jeremy? (Sigh. Jeremy. Fuck I miss his blue eyes and perfect smile.)

Objectively, I know Jeremy is a douchebag. He can suck a dick for all I care. But I miss the feeling I had with him. I was proud to be next to him. I loved spending time with him. I made efforts to work out and look good when I was with him. I never wanted our time to end.

Limerence. I miss limerence. After my first date with Carlos, I haven’t felt it since. Shouldn’t I feel it for at least a week before it wanes?

I’ve done therapy for all of my adult life. This isn’t something I can work on for an hour a week for a psychologist to resolve why I’m not attracted to a seemingly great guy.

The problem with a shitty childhood is questioning your judgment. I don’t know if my issues with Carlos are legitimate or if is it a case of, “When a guy treats me well I stop being attracted to him because I need to recreate the awful patterns of my childhood?”

Being with Jeremy recreated plenty of childhood emotions. I never felt like I was his type because I’m not a cookie-cutter sorority girl who talks about her kids’ soccer practices and has parents he can easily meet. I busted my ass to be perfect because like I felt growing up, I wanted to blend into a world that isn’t mine.

Carlos is a sweet man who puts me on a pedestal but sometimes I think, “meh, I’d rather read a book than see him tonight”. That can’t be good.