50 WORDS

Worse Than Guilt is the Worrying

Thrifty Word Challenge #22: Guilty

I wish I could escape all the worry I have like I managed to do with some of my guilt. It plagues me always, affects my relationships, and is probably not healthy, but I can’t help it. I still feel guilty too, it’s just that the worrying is so consuming.

Like Kim McKinney, I feel guilty about having to take my dad’s keys because he has Parkinson’s and should not, cannot drive, but that is not the worst emotion I feel. Worry is with me constantly. Is he lonely, even though I go over as much as possible? Even though my oldest son lives with him. Even though my brother visits when he can. He still spends so much time alone.

Everyone tells me to let it go. He is fine. He may not want someone around him all the time. But all I see in my mind’s eye, is him sitting in his chair, deaf to most everything, unable to speak anymore, no way to articulate his feelings. Sure, he has hearing aids, he still can’t hear it thunder. Sure, I’ve taken him to every doctor, tried every therapy, and every medication they have. He still shakes. To the point that even texting is near impossible. What if we are no longer able to communicate before I know his final wishes?

Yeah, he has a will. Yet no place in there does it say whether he wants to stay in his home till he dies, or if he wants to go to a retirement center, or come live with us. And no one wants to ask. So I worry. Constantly. I’m running out of time and options. And I feel guilty about that. Why can’t I just ask the question? Why does my brother think we should wait? What does he think Dad is, Superman? I feel guilty for thinking they (he and my son) should spend more time with him when I don’t have a “real” job. Does that mean I have to be there every day? I have a life and a husband to take care of and a career I’m working on. So mine doesn’t count or what?

Yes, as you can see, I’m driving myself slowly insane. My husband knows that even when I’m with him, I’m still worrying about Dad. Maybe for nothing, but I doubt it.

Hurry, there’s still time for you to get your submission in. What makes you feel guilty?