5 Ways to Win After Unwanted Change
How to soften the pain, build your strength, and slowly flourish
At some point, unwanted change will arrive in your life.
It might appear as a serious illness, cheating spouse, or job termination.
Those are just a few of the countless ways unexpected change can occur and cause you interminable pain—sleepless nights, futile attempts to drown your sorrow, and angry visions of revenge.
As much as you might try, it can be near impossible to turn back the clock. Attempts to do so only heap on more misery.
But if you’re willing to work consciously with whatever comes, the pain will gradually soften. You’ll also find great strength when you turn inward and work with your own mind and heart.
How do I know?
I’ve resisted the radical changes that have occurred in my life—chronic illness, divorce, and the destruction of my home. Instead of looking forward, I longed for an idealized past.
But eventually I reached a tipping point. I realized I needed to transform my own attitudes and assumptions. It was the only way to lessen the torment and finally let go of the past.
I’ve learned a few shortcuts that can help you move from resistance to acceptance and thus end the excessive distress.
What are they? Let’s take a look.
1. Expect the Unexpected
It’s basic human nature to want to be happy and avoid suffering. We want a life that flows smoothly from one positive event to another, don’t we?
This illusion of positive constancy dominates our expectations.
Even when trouble besets us, we hold out for a happy ending—a desire that can be so subtle we hardly recognize our own clinging.
But this desire for constancy coupled with the belief you’re in control sets you up for a major fall.
It’s a fabricated illusion not in line with reality as it is: a constant series of changes.
Is there another way to subvert this subtle resistance to unwanted change?
You can find deeper healing when you step out of the illusion of constancy and make space for the ever-changing nature of life.
Proactively coming to peace with impermanence can help you accept the unwanted with greater equanimity and thus less suffering.
Everyday, set aside a few moments of quiet time to reflect upon the way everything constantly changes: flowers bloom and die, seasons change, a store you love closes.
This might sound depressing at first. But impermanence actually makes everything possible.
You can be filled with wonder for each new moment and learn let go when it changes into something else.
Isn’t it better to acclimate ourselves in small doses to the way life really is rather than to be shattered when a big change comes to pass?
Appreciating impermanence may not fully take away the pain of an unwanted change. But, it can soften it, provide perspective, and open your heart because others experience unwelcome change too.
And accepting reality as it is can provide the resilience you need to carry on.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” — Pema Chödrön
2. Know Grief Is a Process
in 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed her now famous model of grief that detailed five stages that commonly occur when a person is faced with an impending death or any type of catastrophic loss, which can include disease, chronic illness, divorce, job termination, and so on.
The fives stages of grief include:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
The stages can occur in any order, you may move back and forth through the different stages, and not everyone will experience every stage.
Knowing this framework allows you to see you’re going through a normal human process of grief that itself will change and eventually lessen.
With this knowledge, you can learn to be patient with wherever you are in response to an unwanted change. You understand that acceptance is a process that takes time.
Be sure to grieve whatever you’ve lost. Instead of pushing your emotions away, be present with them. When you allow yourself to feel your feelings, in appropriate doses, you come to see their transitory nature too.
Acknowledge each stage as it visits and use skillful means to work with it like journaling, art, or meditation. Reach out for the support of a friend or therapist as needed.
It’s not easy to come to acceptance. Initially, acceptance may feel impossible. Don’t expect yourself to prematurely leap there.
You can find relief by simply accepting your non-acceptance until it shifts.
At the same time, you can also make an aspiration to one day be able to accept your new situation fully. Aspiration sometimes works in mysterious ways.
“When life puts you through a tumbler, it’s your choice whether you come out polished or crushed.”—Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
3. Be Kind To Yourself
When you’ve experience unwanted change, you need and deserve compassion, which you can give to yourself through the practice of loving-kindness.
When difficult emotions arise, send loving-kindness to then and to yourself.
Quietly, repeat these loving-kindness phrases to yourself. Practice for a few moments each daily. Especially employ them when you feel a tsunami of emotions coming near.
- May I be well.
- May I be happy.
- May I be safe.
Loving-kindness can soften your pain. Indeed, it can completely change your relationship to yourself.
Do not fight against pain; do not fight against irritation or jealousy. Embrace them with great tenderness, as though you were embracing a little baby. Your anger is yourself, and you should not be violent toward it. The same thing goes for all your emotions.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
4. Examine Your Life
Life is different now.
The unexpected change that has occurred may be a calling to examine your life to date. Pause and look at what may need to change so you don’t repeat an unhealthy cycle.
- Was your past situation truly a good fit for you?
- What do you want your life to look like now?
- What do you truly want in a relationship, a job, a living situation?
- If you have limitations, what can you still do?
Your life may not be the one you expected, but it can still be worthwhile.
- Tammy Strobel gradually healed her grief after the death of her step-father by taking pictures of her morning view, which she eventually published into a book: My Morning View: An iPhone Photography Project about Gratitude, Grief, and Good Coffee.
- Although Laura Hillenbrand struggled with debilitating chronic fatigue, she wrote the award-winning book turned movie, Sea Biscuit: An American Legend. Mostly housebound, Hillenbrand said she lived vicariously through recording this true story.
- Although Sara Frankl experienced constant pain and discomfort due to severe Ankylosing Spondylitis, she made a conscious decision to choose joy, gratitude, and happiness. She documented her journey of positivity on her blog, Gitzen Girl. After her death at 38, her bright advice was gathered into a book by a close friend and continues to inspire others.
Instead of longing for the past, think of what you want and what you can do now. At the same time, know that your worth doesn’t depend on being materially productive.
Just offering a smile can be a profound gift to another.
5. This Is Your Journey, This Is Your Life
Whatever’s happening right now is your opportunity for deep healing. Please don’t step away from it.
Ask, “What can I learn in all this?”
Life doesn’t necessarily turn out how we expect, but it gives us what we need to grow.
There were so many things I needed to learn. My illness brought them all to the forefront, one by one, pushing me to keep growing.
I learned:
- To stop blaming others
- To find my own answers
- To relax more
This may not be the life you expected, but it’s yours now. Use it as your path of transformation. Use it to become the best possible you.
Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.” — Isak Dinesen
Concluding Thoughts
Unexpected or unwanted change can be extremely difficult to accept. So much so that some people get stuck longing for the past and forget to look forward to the future.
It takes time to process the feelings of loss that naturally accompany any unexpected change. It takes time to come to a deep sense of acceptance. It takes time to rebuild a new version of you.
But there are steps you can take to soften the blow of unwanted changes and eventually triumph over them.
These are ones I suggest:
- Expect the unexpected
- Know grief is a process
- Be kind to yourself
- Examine your life
- Accept this is your journey now
You can get stuck in resistance or you can ask, “What now?”
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