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5 Ways to Deal With Hate and Social Isolation

On standing up for yourself and accepting that not everyone is worth your time

Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash

“You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression,” says psychology professor James Uleman, Ph.D. “In spite of the congeniality of many professional gatherings, judgments are being made, and impressions formed all the time.”

We have no control over what opinion first impressions create, and maybe that’s a reason why we think someone dislikes us without cause — perhaps they just got the wrong impression. Their body language, facial expression, greetings, and looks can make us feel unwelcome and sometimes even despised.

If our friendship with a coworker seems one-sided or lukewarm, it might mean that their friendliness is purely a facade. In more unprofessional environments, they might not even try to hide their distaste for us.

If we’re even questioning whether we should cancel their invitation to our birthday party or not, the chances are that our gut feeling is correct about them. However, the significance of a first impression might help us realise why someone has misjudged us when they first saw us.

How First Impressions Impact Lasting Relationships

According to Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov, we have about a tenth of a second to form a first impression. Other research suggests we have up to 30 seconds, but all sources agree that it happens before we have a chance to do something about it.

We like to think that our looks don’t matter as much as our personality, but a study from 2009 initially published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows it does. The study results reveal that our personality and clothing style go hand in hand, since our personality often manifests in our fashion choice.

Even if first impressions often aren’t an accurate way to judge someone, they last for a long time. There’s often someone who we feel has the wrong impression of us, and sometimes we just want to know if someone dislikes our company. So here are a few signs to look out for.

#1 They Are Envious

The malicious kind of envy, not the inspirational, helpful, and motivational envy — can break relationships right from the start. If someone wants something that we have, it’s normal to feel envious. A study of over 900 participants shows that 79% of women and 74% of men envied someone in the past year alone.

When that envy becomes a motivator to hate someone, it’s hard to hide. Those who feel envy might roll their eyes whenever someone talks about our success, not engage in conversations, seem disinterested, or even leave the room as soon as the topic comes up in conversation.

It doesn’t matter how much we stand up for them, help them, or bend over backward trying to make their work experience as good as possible; if there is something we have that they want, their opinion of us won’t change.

“Previous research uniformly suggests that events in the future will prompt more extreme reactions because it’s more relevant to pay attention to things that might still happen to us,”

This is what psychological scientist Ed O’Brien says in a study from 2019. We feel more envious of ideal scenarios before they happen, as opposed to during or after the event.

An additional study with 580 participants shows that 30% of them felt very envious of their colleagues' tech devices such as tablets and smartphones. That statistic indicates that envy can come from anywhere, not just our role in the workplace, personality, or popularity.

The easiest way to tell if someone is envious of us is by their actions. According to John O’Neill, envious coworkers are less likely to stick up for us:

“People who are less envious often go above and beyond their normal job duties to do things like cover for an employee who has gone home to help a sick family member. Conversely, workers who are more envious are less willing to perform these additional duties.”

Solution

If we find ourselves surrounded by bitter, jealous coworkers or fake-friends, the easiest solution is to ignore them and let them be. But it’s also understandably frustrating when someone dislikes us for something we can’t control, even when we try our best to help them.

However, we can’t control how someone else feels about us, and it’s not our job to make someone feel less envious of what we have. We can decide to stop boasting about our successes and instead highlight theirs, but it’s up to them to work through their envy.

An article in Harvard Business Review shows that envy is controllable, so please don't assume that it is our fault that someone envies what we have. Furthermore, The British Psychological Society shared a study where they asked students if they had ever felt envied by someone and how it affected them:

“The most commonly mentioned undesirable effects were interpersonal; respondents worried about damage to the relationship, possibly leading to social isolation and rejection. In sum, these accounts suggest that being the target of envy in everyday life is an ambivalent experience,”

We can be cautious about what we share with those who envy us, but there isn’t much else we can do. However, it’s good to be aware that our negative emotions and possible low self-esteem are related to being envied. Acknowledging this can prevent self-blame and hatred for something we can’t control.

#2 They are Closed Off

Not only do they have a closed-off body language around us, but they also refrain from letting us into their social circle. They don’t tell us anything, but we can often overhear them talking to other people about their personal life.

But of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and some people are naturally introverted. They might not illuminate confidence or display grandiose gestures — but by combining how they act, we can more easily determine how they feel about us with both words and body language. Here is what to look out for:

  • They avoid making eye-contact.
  • They cross their legs or arms when talking to us.
  • They turn away from us as we speak.
  • They seem uninterested.
  • They don’t pay attention.
  • They are not providing genuine or helpful advice.
  • They never open up to us.

Best-selling author, entrepreneur, speaker, and consultant Ali Craig spoke to Insider about how we can tell what someone thinks about us by how close they stand when speaking to us:

“Typically, the closer someone gets to you physically, the more comfortable they feel with you and around you. Likewise, the more distance an individual keeps between you and them says a lot, too. People who like each other generally don’t have problems being in close physical proximity to each other. If you dislike someone, however, you are less likely to position yourself very close to them. You’ll keep a “safe” amount of distance between the two of you.”

If they seem like they are protecting themselves from us by keeping a safe distance, they might feel insecure and uncomfortable. But we can often tell the difference between discomfort and dislike by their other body language.

Solution

If the signs point towards them disliking us, we can attempt to put a warm smile on our faces and speak kindly to and about them. They might need reassurance that they can trust us, and we can give that to them by not mimicking their body language.

A study conducted by Allison Abbe and Susan E. Brandon shows that empathising with the other person can elicit a positive response. Additionally, finding common ground, such as interests, birthdays, or friends, can make them open up and start accepting us as a friend.

#3 They actively try to avoid or bully you

If they randomly leave without a word, not invite us to parties or gatherings, and walk the other way when they see us walking down the hallway, it will be evident that they are trying to avoid us.

The behaviour associated with ignoring and isolating someone is extremely toxic. It can cause not only severe mental health implications but also negatively impact work productivity.

A study published in 2018 shows that workplace bullying, including social isolation, harassment, and incivility, all significantly influences the person’s work efficiency. The same survey also reveals that a toxic workplace can lead to anxiety, depression, absenteeism, health problems, and burnout.

Solution

We may often hear that the best way to deal with hostile people and toxic environments is to ignore them. But all this does is allow them to continue and thrive while treating us the only way they know how to.

If they ignore us and don’t include us in group activities, we can ignore it and find something better to do with our time. But if it’s affecting our self-esteem and mental health by being left out, we can attempt to assert ourselves into the activities.

Saying, “I hear there’s a party this weekend, can I come?” Is a subtle and brave way to express interest in attending without insulting the other person. If we do this in a professional environment, they will most likely accept it and move on to keep their “professional” attitude in check.

#4 They act hostile around and towards you

In my old school, a new girl joined my Spanish class a few months after everyone else. The teachers assigned my best friend and me to make her feel welcome.

She was nice enough initially, but it was obvious she didn’t want to be friends. Once she started making her friends, we stopped talking, and she suddenly started intentionally bumping into me in the hallway, give me dirty looks, and avoid speaking to me.

These were all signs that made me realise that she didn’t like me — even though I never made her feel unwelcome or unwanted. In this case, we probably weren’t compatible, which is fine.

Another common sign that someone hates us is if they criticise us. Not the good, productive kind of criticism, even though the person who dislikes us might make it sound that way. If they criticise us intending to hurt our feelings, point out our flaws, or embarrass us, they are doing it out of spite.

Solution

It’s not a great idea to indulge in their behaviour, no matter how tempting it might seem. If a bully sees that their words and behaviour are affecting us, they will keep going.

What we can do is ask them to stop. Let them know that we know what they are doing, and it’s not cool. Hopefully, they will take the hint and leave us alone. Since bullies often target the shy, quiet people who just take it instead of fighting back, they will not want to waste their time with someone willing to get them in trouble.

#5 You feel anxious around them

Our gut feeling is the most reliable for determining how we feel around someone. Do we get an eerie feeling when we’re near them, do we expect them to act hostile, or do we often anxiously wait for them to strike with another one of their unsolicited remarks?

If we feel anxious around them, we shouldn’t try to win them over. Linda Rinaman, a Florida State University Neuroscientist, explains that our gut feeling sends powerful signals to our brain and influences our mood, emotions, and decisions.

According to Dr. Rinaman, our gut is continuously communicating with our brain using the vagus nerve, which is a network that sends more signals to the brain than any other organ system in our body:

Vagal feedback signals are very protective and encourage caution,” Dr. Rinaman said, “The neuroscience of gut feelings has come a long way in my lifetime, and we are learning more valuable lessons every day.

According to the evidence already found, we should listen to our gut whenever we feel strongly about something or someone.

We don’t get a second chance at first impressions.

It’s true that we only get one chance to make a good first impression. But even though they can last for months, even years past our initial judgement, research suggests they can also fade with time and new experiences.

“What is necessary is for the first impression to be challenged in multiple different contexts. In that case, new experiences become decontextualized and the first impression will slowly lose its power. But, as long as a first impression is challenged only within the same context, you can do whatever you want. The first impression will dominate regardless of how often it is contradicted by new experiences.”

This is how social psychologist Bertram Gawronski explains how our initial lasting beliefs can lose their power over time. So first impressions aren’t necessarily set in stone, as long as we challenge the first impression with new experiences.

Final thoughts

It’s important to note that we can never know for sure how someone feels about us without asking them. If we want to know for sure, the best thing to do is carefully approach the person and ask.

But at the end of that day, if we find ourselves wondering if someone doesn’t like us, there isn’t a lot we should do. Some people just don't get along, and we shouldn’t try to force a relationship where there clearly shouldn’t be one. Even if we manage to prove to someone that we aren’t who they thought we were, we shouldn’t have to.

If we want to build our friendship with them, we can try to become more friendly towards them, invite them to gatherings, parties, and events, but if someone doesn’t like us, we shouldn’t stress it. Not everyone is going to enjoy our company, and that’s ok.

If we always try to please everyone and make sure that they like us, we will become exhausted and become dishonest to ourselves and our values. However, some situations require us to be friendly with each other, so here is a recap of what we can do if we notice that someone doesn’t like us:

  • Ignore those who feel envious. They probably won’t change.
  • Keep a smile on our face, show that they can trust us.
  • Empathise with them, discover what we have in common.
  • Don’t ignore bullies —we need to stand up for ourselves.
  • Subtly invite ourselves to events when they don’t ask us.
  • Don’t indulge in their toxic behaviour.
  • Listen to our gut feeling about them.

The most important thing to remember is that we don’t have to prove anything to anyone. If someone doesn’t want to be friends with us, they won’t be a good friend even if we try to persuade them that we’re a nice person.

No one is alike, which is why it’s impossible to get along with everyone. But that’s a good thing.

Mental Health
Relationships
Self-awareness
Life
Personal Development
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