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Abstract

et her to put it back on the shelf.What’s wrong with some well-intentioned telling your parents what to do? Your parents used it in raising you, after all!The problem is the righting reflex doesn’t work. Judgment, shame, and fear don’t work to increase motivation. You may get some short-term compliance but not long-term motivation or behavior change.Did my mom buy the third Costco pie of the week for my dad? She sure did.<h2 id="2442">Step 2. Start with curiosity</h2>When you let go of your ‘righting reflex’ and the judgment that comes with it, you create space for something more powerful: curiosity.Curiosity is the bedrock of communicating in a non-judgmental way, and it communicates respect. Health coaches show curiosity by asking open-ended questions like:<ul><li>“What would a healthy retirement look like for you?”</li><li>“It sounds like you want to enjoy Thanksgiving and you love pie. How can you enjoy yourself and keep your health goals in mind at the same time?”</li><li>“Why is staying active important to you?”</li></ul>Open-ended questions start with how, what, and why. Using them helps you drop your assumptions of what’s important for your parents and instead hear what’s important to your parents. But it’s not always natural. Here’s the way that I was trained to communicate, for example:<ul><li>“Do you care about your health at all?”</li><li>“Did you buy ANOTHER pie?”</li><li>“Are you doing what the doctor told you to do?”</li></ul>Take a second to think about your own health. Which set do you prefer?When my parents early in COVID-19 decided to fly across the country, I tried to coach. I took a deep breath and let go of judgment to make space for curiosity. And then I asked open-ended questions — “What made you decide to go? How are you thinking about the risk?” My parents decided to split up and my dad decided to stay home, and I respected their decision.<h2 id="b17c">Step 3. Show vulnerability first</h2>With your parents, you have a secret weapon that most health coaches don’t have: the power to tell your parents how much you care about them. Research shows that loved ones asking for a health change can provide<a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/the-stages-of-change-2794868"> important motivation to take action</a>. I’ve heard countless stories from parents of how their children and grandchildren are their motivation to get healthy.It can sound as simple as this:“Hi Dad, I noticed you mentioned your weight gain a few times during the holidays. I care about you and I still nee

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d you. How can I help you be as active as you want to be?”A friend (let’s call him “Matt”), told me a story about his graduate school graduation. His dad was one of the most disciplined people he had ever met, but as he got older he watched his father’s health get worse and his problems increase. When Matt’s dad asked what he could get him for graduation, Matt said the only thing he wanted was for his dad to get healthier and be there for his grandchildren someday.Seven months later, Matt’s father showed up at graduation 50 pounds lighter. He had signed up for a weight loss program (with a health coach), bought a treadmill, and worked to make himself and his son proud. The tears of gratitude and joy at graduation were mutual.<h2 id="d9ec">Step 4. Respect boundaries</h2>What if… you let go of your righting reflex, ask open-ended questions to show curiosity, and express how important it is for your parents to get healthy… and your parents say ‘no’? Your father says he won’t give up smoking for you. Your mother will have dessert every night after dinner until the day she dies.This might feel like a failure, but ‘no’ is a healthy part of the conversation. No means: ‘respect my boundaries’. You haven’t failed as a coach — this is an opportunity to learn another important skill. Respecting clear-set boundaries can be one of the greatest ways to build trust, and it helps you be a true partner in whatever changes someone wants to or doesn’t want to make.You don’t have to run the other way. You can use the same empathy and curiosity to open new possibilities:“I hear that I’m asking for too much, and I won’t push you on running again. What kind of exercise do you like? How can I help you do more of that?”<h2 id="fe3d">Step 5. Just start</h2>Sometimes, the hardest part can be getting started. You have good intentions, and when you do try to ask your mother how she feels about her high blood pressure, it feels as awkward as could be. You don’t talk about this stuff in your family!The final lesson I learned from coaching is that everyone makes mistakes and that mistakes are how you learn. The best advice I’ve heard? Start small. If you’re nervous, practice what you would say with your partner or sister. And then give it your best. Maybe you’ll even get to share about your late-night Oreo habit, and it will open a new way to be together as a family.Ready? Write down three open-ended questions that you want to ask your parents right now. Write down when you can ask them. Commit to doing it. You have everything you need to get started, and starting is what it’s all about.</article></body>

5 Ways to Make Health Conversations With Your Parents Easier for Everyone

Stop fighting them. Instead, use these techniques borrowed from coaching to encourage your parents towards better health behaviors.

There is a lot to worry about when it comes to our parents’ health—they may be brushing off early warning signs of serious conditions, flying across the country to see grandchildren as COVID-19 rages (like my parents), or needing to manage a tough disease like diabetes.

You may be so worried that you want to tell them what to do. Maybe you’ve tried. You’re a caring son or daughter. You’ve sent them COVID-19 articles, got them a not-so-subtle healthy eating cookbook, and you ask (or bug them) a lot about how much exercise they get.

But it hasn’t worked. You’ve tried, but you’re not getting through.

I’m here to help. In the past two years, I’ve immersed myself in the world of health coaching.

Health coaches use a set of conversation skills to support behavior change. By shifting the focus of health conversations from advice to a partnership, health coaches help create life-extending behavior changes every day, and it’s backed by evidence.

The five steps below show how you can apply behavior change techniques of coaching to transform worries about your parents into ways of truly supporting them.

Step 1. Let go of your ‘righting reflex’

Your first challenge is to let go of the “righting reflex”. When it comes to health, it’s easy to think that you know what’s wrong and how to fix the problem.

Here are a few comments that scream righting reflex:

“Mom and dad, you should really lose some weight if you care about your health.”
“Dad, you shouldn’t go to that party because you could get COVID.”
Mom, don’t give up on walking just because it’s cold out, you need to be doing it every day like your doctor said.”

What have you said recently to your parents that showed your righting reflex?

For me, it was Thanksgiving, a year ago. My health-conscious sister and I were telling my mom not to buy another giant pumpkin pie (the third of the week) for my father. We went head-to-head with my mom in the middle of a busy Costco trying to get her to put it back on the shelf.

What’s wrong with some well-intentioned telling your parents what to do? Your parents used it in raising you, after all!

The problem is the righting reflex doesn’t work. Judgment, shame, and fear don’t work to increase motivation. You may get some short-term compliance but not long-term motivation or behavior change.

Did my mom buy the third Costco pie of the week for my dad? She sure did.

Step 2. Start with curiosity

When you let go of your ‘righting reflex’ and the judgment that comes with it, you create space for something more powerful: curiosity.

Curiosity is the bedrock of communicating in a non-judgmental way, and it communicates respect. Health coaches show curiosity by asking open-ended questions like:

“What would a healthy retirement look like for you?”
“It sounds like you want to enjoy Thanksgiving and you love pie. How can you enjoy yourself and keep your health goals in mind at the same time?”
“Why is staying active important to you?”

Open-ended questions start with how, what, and why. Using them helps you drop your assumptions of what’s important for your parents and instead hear what’s important to your parents. But it’s not always natural. Here’s the way that I was trained to communicate, for example:

“Do you care about your health at all?”
“Did you buy ANOTHER pie?”
“Are you doing what the doctor told you to do?”

Take a second to think about your own health. Which set do you prefer?

When my parents early in COVID-19 decided to fly across the country, I tried to coach. I took a deep breath and let go of judgment to make space for curiosity. And then I asked open-ended questions — “What made you decide to go? How are you thinking about the risk?” My parents decided to split up and my dad decided to stay home, and I respected their decision.

Step 3. Show vulnerability first

With your parents, you have a secret weapon that most health coaches don’t have: the power to tell your parents how much you care about them. Research shows that loved ones asking for a health change can provide important motivation to take action. I’ve heard countless stories from parents of how their children and grandchildren are their motivation to get healthy.

It can sound as simple as this:

“Hi Dad, I noticed you mentioned your weight gain a few times during the holidays. I care about you and I still need you. How can I help you be as active as you want to be?”

A friend (let’s call him “Matt”), told me a story about his graduate school graduation. His dad was one of the most disciplined people he had ever met, but as he got older he watched his father’s health get worse and his problems increase. When Matt’s dad asked what he could get him for graduation, Matt said the only thing he wanted was for his dad to get healthier and be there for his grandchildren someday.

Seven months later, Matt’s father showed up at graduation 50 pounds lighter. He had signed up for a weight loss program (with a health coach), bought a treadmill, and worked to make himself and his son proud. The tears of gratitude and joy at graduation were mutual.

Step 4. Respect boundaries

What if… you let go of your righting reflex, ask open-ended questions to show curiosity, and express how important it is for your parents to get healthy… and your parents say ‘no’? Your father says he won’t give up smoking for you. Your mother will have dessert every night after dinner until the day she dies.

This might feel like a failure, but ‘no’ is a healthy part of the conversation. No means: ‘respect my boundaries’. You haven’t failed as a coach — this is an opportunity to learn another important skill. Respecting clear-set boundaries can be one of the greatest ways to build trust, and it helps you be a true partner in whatever changes someone wants to or doesn’t want to make.

You don’t have to run the other way. You can use the same empathy and curiosity to open new possibilities:

“I hear that I’m asking for too much, and I won’t push you on running again. What kind of exercise do you like? How can I help you do more of that?”

Step 5. Just start

Sometimes, the hardest part can be getting started. You have good intentions, and when you do try to ask your mother how she feels about her high blood pressure, it feels as awkward as could be. You don’t talk about this stuff in your family!

The final lesson I learned from coaching is that everyone makes mistakes and that mistakes are how you learn. The best advice I’ve heard? Start small. If you’re nervous, practice what you would say with your partner or sister. And then give it your best. Maybe you’ll even get to share about your late-night Oreo habit, and it will open a new way to be together as a family.

Ready? Write down three open-ended questions that you want to ask your parents right now. Write down when you can ask them. Commit to doing it. You have everything you need to get started, and starting is what it’s all about.