5 Ways to Maintain Independence in a Relationship

It’s about more than just spending time apart

I’ve been in a relationship for my whole adult life. I started dating my current boyfriend when we were both eighteen, barely out of high school. I had never been in a relationship before and I was nervous. I had never been interested in dating and always looked at it as a waste of time.

High school relationships don’t last. What’s the point of dating so young when it’s bound to end in heartbreak?

As an introvert, I also didn’t know if I could handle always being around the same person. From what I had seen in my friends’ relationships, couples were inseparable. To add, I didn’t know if I could change my life to make it fit with someone else’s. I had just started university and was just starting to make big life decisions. Wouldn’t having a boyfriend just be a distraction? Nevertheless, I decided to give the whole relationship thing a try.

Our relationship started out long distance. I was going to university an hour away so we only saw each other on weekends. This worked for the both of us. We got to live our individual lives during the week, then really appreciate the time we got to spend together.

A few years later, I moved back to my hometown, where he lived. This is when our relationship started struggling.

Moving back home, I really lost myself. I no longer had my college life. I was now in the real world and I didn’t have a defined path for myself. I didn’t know what my goals were. I started relying on him and his plans, going along with whatever he wanted as if it was what I wanted as well.

I realized I was starting to become too dependent on him, which was something I had never wanted for myself. This was causing him to pull away from me, he felt that he was also losing his independence due to me being too clingy.

Why were we happier when we were seeing less of each other? We both knew that something had to change. So what did we do? We changed things. And I’m about to tell you how.

1 — Set boundaries

In every relationship there is one person who is more clingy than the other. This might vary depending on the day, but there is always one person who is busier and one person wanting to spend more time together.

I’m someone who values my alone time. If I have too much social stimulation, I need some time to recharge. If I had a busy day dealing with clients or being around friends, I will tell my boyfriend I need an hour or two alone. After this time, I am much more fun to be around, which is better for our relationship anyway.

It is also important to set boundaries if you have a deadline or task to get done. Don’t say yes to a date night if it will cause you more stress tomorrow. 1 — You won’t really be having fun and 2 — Your partner will sense this and not have fun either. These boundaries are necessary.

2 — Have your own hobbies

It’s great to have hobbies or activities that both you and your partner enjoy doing together, but it’s also important to have your own thing to keep you busy when you aren’t together.

My boyfriend is super into cars and outdoor activities like dirt-biking. While it would be fun to share his hobbies, I use the time he’s working on his cars to find things that I enjoy. If we were always doing things together, I never would have discovered how much I enjoy writing and would definitely never had written this article.

I also am usually very busy with schoolwork. He isn’t in school, and if he didn’t have his own hobbies to enjoy, he might get frustrated by the amount of time I have to spend without him, studying or doing homework.

3 — Put yourself first

Don’t ever put your dreams or goals on the back burner. You should be your number one focus, and your partner comes after that.

Make a list of your goals and write out the steps you have to take to achieve them. Prioritize meeting your goals. For me, this was writing out a five-year plan. What did I want my career to look like in five years? Where did I want to live? I wrote out my goals and stuck to them. I discussed them with my partner and he told me his goals as well. Some of our goals didn’t quite align, but we didn’t want either of us to compromise on the things that were most important to us, so we vowed to support each other in pursuit of our goals, no matter what, which brings me to my next point…

4 — Support your partner

Your partner should be a large part of your support system. And as much as you want your partner’s support, you need to give that back to them. Yes, your goals should be the first thing you focus on, but your partner’s goals are just as important. Not to mention if you push them to reach their goals, they will be more likely to do the same in return.

A relationship isn’t a one-way street. In order for it to work, both parties have to be happy. If both of you feel fulfilled in your lives, the happier your life together will be.

5 — Trust each other

I found I was more dependent on my partner when I was insecure with myself. I wanted to spend more time with him because I didn’t want him enjoying spending time with others more than spending time with me.

When you are spending time apart, trust is crucial. It is very easy to fall into blind jealousy when your partner wants to do things without you, but time apart is healthy.

Once you establish trust and open communication, you can easily enjoy spending some time apart.

When you fall in love, it is easy to push your dreams and interests aside to make room for your partner. I know this from experience. But this isn’t necessary. There is more than enough time to continue doing all of the things you enjoy, not lose sight of your goals, and spend quality time with your partner.

It is so important to maintain your independence in a relationship. Independence isn’t only about spending time without your partner, but making sure you live your life to the fullest and prioritize your needs. Love your partner, support your partner, but make sure you’re loving and supporting yourself first. Putting yourself first will make you a better partner in the long run.

Being in a long-term relationship should add to your life, not limit it.