5 Signs you are Being Mind F*cked in your Relationship

Imagine screaming inside. Screaming inside your mind because you are listening to a person break everything about you down and you can’t figure out if what they are saying is true. You are listening to their point of view but it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. You asked your significant other why they never show you affection and they are telling you that it is because you keep the house nasty. The immediate response is to wonder what could you do to correct yourself, but then you realize the last time this same conversation occurred your significant other told you the affection was withheld because you concentrated on your career too much plus you didn’t clean up enough. You hired someone to clean the house because you work full-time yourself. This person complains that the agency you hired does a horrible job. You then think about the time before that when your significant other said they were not affectionate because they didn’t like your new hairstyle. It is at that moment that you realize that there will never, ever be a time when you will do enough or be enough. This is the art of the mindf*ck.

“Physical abuse is the topic of several movies, articles, and is often talked about because it is the most visible form of abuse. Emotional abuse is often overlooked because it is only visible to the individuals in the relationship. It can also be disguised as just jokes, all in fun, and a figment of one's imagination. It stands in the shadows as a more silent form. It will consume you and your life if you don’t catch it. Abuse of the mind can be more traumatic than physical abuse. The mind does not heal or scar over like the body. The mind will store trauma that will rear its head in the most unexpected moments.”*

According to the New York University Medical Center, “chronic stress resulting from emotional abuse or any other kind of trauma releases cortisol, a stress hormone which can damage and affect the growth of the hippocampus, the main area of the brain associated with learning and memory”.*

This is similar to PTSD, the memory is affected by the abuse of the mind. The brain will store memories and hold on to them even if you are unaware it is doing so. This causes the mind to disregard these experiences by zoning out. The zoning out involves actual physical thinning in sections of the brain that relate to being abused.

“In all cases where emotional abuse is inflicted, the brain is actually attempting to protect itself by rerouting abundant levels of stress and pain to avoid overload”.*

The Act of Gaslighting

This type of abuse can have long term effects on the brain and the body. Stress causes inflammation of ailments such as arthritis as the stress of emotional abuse can cause the body to be tense which leads to headaches, back, shoulder pain, and intense body aches.

“Emotional abuse is any abusive behavior that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self worth, and which often results in anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)”.*

This can be hard to spot because it can be disguised so well. In an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser is a master manipulator and will use gaslighting techniques to ensure the victim challenges their own thoughts, memories and events. This will often lead to the victim questioning their own sanity as well as aspects of their own identity. If the victim is constantly checking into hospitals, willing to talk to counselors, and taking medications prescribed by a psychiatrist because they feel they are always at fault or the one with mental illness and the significant other will not seek the same there is a good chance that the person is being a victim of gaslighting tactics. The abuser will not take blame for anything and therefore will not seek help. They will not admit any fault. This abuser will humiliate the victim, cheat on them, and manipulate the entire situation to have the victim believe it was their fault! They will minimize their own violations and maximize the victims violations. This is insidious manipulation.

Withholding Affection/Intimacy

Being a victim of emotional abuse involves a lot of trying to change oneself to fit the mold that the abuser wants the victim to fit. The serious issue is that the mold continuously changes depending on how the manipulator chooses to manipulate. It is different every time an issue comes up. An emotional abuser will withhold intimacy/affection from their partner. When this is brought to the abusers attention, the abuser will give reasons why they refuse to engage with their partner. This abuser may go as far as to withhold from the victim because, “you don’t clean the house”, “you always look a certain way when I come home”. The abuser will use anything to justify their actions. One particular victim stated that her husband told her that he felt like Tupac, “He didn’t want it if it was that easy” when she asked about the lack of affection. He said this to his wife. Unbelievable. The latest justification for withholding sex from his own wife was that she was too easy. Horrific. They will use anything.

Using the children

When emotional abuse occurs the victim will often start to question themselves and wonder if they will ever be good enough for their abuser. The victim will lose themselves trying to be everything they can for their abuser. The abuser will use many different tactics to maintain control such as put-downs, shaming, name calling, insults, silent treatment, speaking to their victim in a manner in which implies infantilization, refusal to ever be pleased and more. Sadly, victims have reported that their abuser have used the children as a method of manipulation. Manipulation such as Triangulation where the abuser will cease communication with the victim and use the children to relay messages. The abuser will use isolation tactics with the children such as constantly degrading the victim in front of the children. The victim will start to almost feel as if they are the joke of their own household. This includes targeted Humor, Mocking, or Sarcasm. This is also a tactic of manipulation that can lead to isolation and strained relationships between the victim and their children. This type of mockery is used to reduce the victims reputation in the eyes of the children.

Being disrespectful

The mind is extremely complex and will take more than a bandage to repair. Advice to victims of emotional abuse include: Take care of yourself. Leave if possible, and if leaving is not possible, set strict boundaries! When the degradation that is often disguised as jokes commence, refuse to laugh. Do not participate. Tell your abuser that it is not funny. When the children are being used as tools for manipulation, check them quickly. Do not allow them to participate in the disrespect. Do not argue with your abuser. If there is a blow up, leave. Take a walk, take a bubble bath, put on an audiobook. Airpods are your friends. The tears will flow but do not let them flow thinking of your abuser, let the tears flow thinking of how your life will need to change to take care of yourself. If you choose to stay with your abuser, they will notice the change in you and attempt to criticize your methods of self-care. Do not engage or participate, do not explain yourself. Airpods, set boundaries and walk away.

Red Flags from the Start

Emotional abuse goes unchecked because it can be invisible and not as clearly noticeable as physical abuse but it can be just as deadly. The ability to use manipulation to make a person feel like they are so small they do not deserve to live can affect them in many ways. They will be depressed and deal with anxiety. This depression and anxiety will lead the victim to make uncharacteristic decisions that can affect their work and their life. The ability to make sound decisions is highly affected by depression. Being aware of what is taking place is half the battle and will put the victim in a position to control their own surroundings. Do not ignore red flags! Believe it or not, abusers show themselves within the first year of the relationship whether dating or marriage. Stay diligent. Depression leads to feelings of suicide. This makes emotional abuse just as deadly as physical abuse. A victim can feel that there is no reason for them to live because they are surrounded by this environment. This environment is so toxic that it makes the victim feel they are nothing, invisible, not needed in the world. This is apart of the manipulation! Do not give in!

I pray for anyone dealing with emotional abuse or who have dealt with it. This type of abuse can be the most toxic. The mind is such a potent place to attempt to gain control. It takes a special type of narcissist and evil to seek control of someone’s mind. Victims please remember that none of this is your fault. This is all from low self esteem of the abuser. These abusers are not comfortable in their own skin so they will attempt to minimize another person to make them seem superior. THE ABUSER IS A COWARD. Continue to let your light shine and do not minimize yourself for anyone.

Please visit sites such as https://www.thehotline.org/; https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us; or 911.