Childhood Trauma | Relationships

5 Ways Childhood Trauma Can Adversely Impact Your Relationships

Why it happens, how it manifests, and steps you can take to heal

“The greater a child’s terror, and the earlier it is experienced, the harder it becomes to develop a strong and healthy sense of self.” ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

If you suffered abuse or experienced trauma in childhood, this can impact the way you perceive and navigate adult relationships.

This is because we learn about emotional bonds in our earliest years. If the people on whom we depend for our survival have hurt or betrayed us, or if they were absent, this can affect how we view and respond to connection with others.

My own massively chaotic life and six divorces after childhood abuse and trauma are proof of that. I am also proof of our magnificent ability to heal.

What is childhood trauma?

This is a term that describes distressing events or situations that you might have experienced up to the age of 16.

These are some examples:

• physical, sexual, or psychological abuse
• bullying or violence at school or in the community
• exposure to addiction or substance abuse
• sudden or violent loss of a loved one
• witnessing or experiencing domestic violence
• natural disasters
• abandonment
• terrorism / war /refugee experiences
• foster care
• neglect
• serious illness or accident
• any event or situation that left you feeling frightened, helpless, or horrified

Not everyone processes life in the same way; therefore, what is perceived as traumatic to some may not be as distressing for others. Certain factors can influence this perception, such as the number of traumatic events, the period of time involved, your age at the time of the trauma(s), and whether or not you had emotional support during and/or after these experiences.

According to Christie Pearl, a licensed mental health counsellor and certified EMDR therapist, “If children have enough nurturing and support, they are much less likely to experience trauma-related symptoms.”

She adds, “On the other hand, if the parents or caregivers do not provide enough support, or if they were the source of the trauma, the child is more likely to experience negative effects from that experience.”

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMSHA), two-thirds of children in the United States have experienced at least one form of trauma.

Ongoing or repeated exposure to upsetting or distressing situations can result in complex trauma, which can be particularly problematic. One of the most common is that it can adversely affect your adult relationships.

Here are five ways this can happen:

Trust

An essential part of forming and maintaining healthy relationships (of all kinds) is the ability to trust others. However, if you have experienced childhood abuse or trauma, you might find it difficult or impossible because your trust in others was betrayed in your early life.

In some cases, that betrayal may have even caused you harm.

A lack of trust in relationships can show up in many ways, such as jealousy, or fearing rejection, abandonment, or emotional intimacy, to name a few.

If you’re a survivor of childhood abuse or trauma, you might believe deep down that no one can be trusted, or that being emotionally intimate is dangerous.

Conversely, although you might wish for a deep and loving attachment, perhaps you believe it is an impossible dream.

Typically, survivors tell themselves that they are defective, not good enough, or not worthy of being loved.

These kinds of thoughts and feelings can make you reluctant to connect with people in an honest, open way, fearing more betrayal and hurt. You might be defensive or closed. You could be hypervigilant, always looking for the next attack or threat, whether real or perceived.

If this is how you’re feeling, it can be difficult for others to feel close to you, which makes it even more difficult to create healthy, meaningful bonds with others, whatever the nature of the relationship.

Communication

Your ability to communicate your thoughts and feelings appropriately is vital to the success of any relationship, whether at work or in your personal life. Being a survivor of childhood trauma can have an impact on your ability to do this.

One powerful way this can manifest is that you might have difficulty identifying your feelings or acknowledging them, especially if there were dangerous consequences for having spoken about them as a child. For example, you might have been punished harshly for verbalising a feeling that your parent didn’t like.

The more you experience events like this, the more you stifle your ability to recognise your feelings or verbalise them. You might find yourself stuffing your feelings and just getting on with life.

Further to the trust issues mentioned above, they can make you feel like it’s not safe to speak up. This prevents you from communicating your feelings and sets up a barrier between you and the other(s) involved.

Another way that childhood trauma affects communication is that you might feel like a burden. You’re bothering others by expressing yourself so you don’t dare do it.

Any of these challenges can cause a massive build-up of unresolved feelings over time, which can lead to its own set of problems, including health issues.

Emotional Intelligence or Responses

“Emotional intelligence” is a term that was coined in the 1990s. It became popular with psychologist and author Daniel Goleman’s book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.” Often referred to as EQ, it can be described as your ability to be self-aware and to regulate your emotions appropriately.

As a survivor of childhood trauma, you might have difficulty perceiving your own emotions or those of others. It might also be hard for you to manage your emotions, to recognise your triggers or see your own limitations.

This is because childhood trauma can impair development of some of the skills you need to navigate emotional situations in a healthy way.

According to PsychCentral.com:

Some examples of how EQ may manifest in relationships include:

*collaboration and cooperation

*empathy

*emotional self-awareness

*ability to express how you feel

*ability to identify what the other person may be feeling

*tendency to evaluate your reactions

*ability to pause before reacting

*accountability

*ability to link your thoughts and emotions with your behaviors

*ability to link your behaviors with other people’s emotional reactions

If you have experienced childhood trauma, you may have challenges in one or more of these EQ skills.

The good news is that they can be learned and/or improved upon at any age. It just takes time as you move through your healing journey.

Trauma Re-enactment

People who are living with unresolved trauma will often tend to re-enact some aspect of their original traumatic experiences. In their book, Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes, authors Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. and Maggie Kline write that, “Reenactment can be defined as an unsuccessful attempt to resolve the intense survival energy mobilized for defense against a perceived life-threatening experience.”

They also state that “The drive to heal trauma is as powerful and tenacious as its symptoms. Youngsters traumatized by physical and sexual abuse or emotional neglect are inextricably drawn into situations that replicate the original trauma. The urge to resolve, through reenactment can be severe and compulsive.”

For example, early sexual abuse can lead to promiscuous behaviour or prostitution. Children who have witnessed domestic violence often grow up and find themselves on one side or the other of abusive relationships. Both perpetrators and victims of abuse keep finding themselves drawn together like magnets, each playing out the trauma of childhood in a futile attempt to resolve it.

Fortunately, with time and therapy, there can be enough resolution of the trauma to break these patterns.

Mental Health Conditions

When children are exposed to traumatic experiences, it can negatively impact the development of the brain when it’s most vulnerable. Your brain began developing before birth and this continues into adulthood.

But what happens during certain sensitive periods in childhood or adolescence can have a significant effect on brain development.

According to the Bridges to Recovery blog, “People who experience childhood abuse are vulnerable to developing mental health disorders that compromise emotional and behavioural stability, including depression, anxiety, PTSD and borderline personality disorder. These illnesses can present additional challenges to engaging in healthy interpersonal relationships.”

Higher rates of suicidal feelings and aggressive behaviour have also been reported in adults who experienced abuse in childhood.

There can be a tendency toward increased substance abuse and addiction. This behaviour generally begins at a much younger age among those who have experienced trauma in childhood.

Published in The Lancet Psychiatry, research from King’s College London, suggests that “31% of young people had a traumatic experience during childhood, and those who were exposed to trauma were twice as likely as their peers to have a range of mental health disorders.”

It goes on to say, “People with PTSD suffer from a range of symptoms including: re-living traumatic events through distressing memories or nightmares; avoidance of anything reminding them of their trauma; feelings of guilt, isolation or detachment; and irritability, impulsivity or difficulty concentrating.”

As well, stressful life events such as divorce or unemployment can hit harder and have a more adverse impact on those who have had stressful or traumatic childhoods. Such situations as these can more easily trigger psychological disorders and challenges, such as those listed above.

Healing Is Possible

If you recognise that your childhood trauma is having an adverse effect on your life, there is hope. Fortunately, we are designed to survive and thrive. We are incredibly resilient healing machines.

And yes, you can heal from this, too.

The first step is to talk to your doctor, who will be able to offer resources or referrals that will help get you started.

You could also contact psychologists who specialise in trauma therapy and investigate support groups in your area.

Make sure you find reputable professionals who come highly recommended.

Know that you are not alone, that your feelings are valid, and that you can find your way to a happier, brighter future.

One step at a time.

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