5 Ways Being Too Nice Hurts You
Being a people-pleaser doesn’t make you more likable.
Do you constantly watch what you say, so that you don’t offend anyone?
Are you always afraid that you’ll unintentionally upset someone?
Does the mere thought of someone disapproving of you make your stomach ache?
Here is how it usually plays out. You want to speak up in a conversation or voice a disagreement, but you’re scared of what others will think of you. You bend over backward to accommodate people and not ruffle any feathers, but they still don’t seem to like you. You’re afraid to ask for what you want, so you do your best to please others and hope they’ll give it to you without your having to ask.
You do these things with the belief that you’re a good person. But things rarely turn out the way you want.
And even though you’re a nice person, on the inside you’re frustrated and you may even struggle with depression.
It’s confusing because you do your very best to be likable. There are plenty of other people who aren’t as nice as you and they get what they want in life.
Being too nice and always trying to please others can hurt you. But how can it be a bad thing if you’re too nice? Great question.
As Dr. Aziz Gazipura explains in his book Not Nice, “Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval.” Niceness does not always equal goodness.
Am I saying you should just be a jerk? Not at all. But it’s important to understand the needs you’re trying to meet by being a people-pleaser.
It might sound harsh to say being too nice is a bad thing, but let’s look at 5 ways being too nice can hurt you. Then we’ll talk about what you can do instead.
If you’re too nice, people will never get to know the real you
People who are too nice always try to hide their true feelings and intentions. They present the appearance of being smooth and having their life together.
If you never show people who you are, you’ll have a hard time connecting with others and building relationships. You’ll always feel somewhat alone even around other people. You’ll wonder why everyone seems to like you but you aren’t that close to anyone.
People aren’t drawn to you because you’re perfect. Think about it. Do you want to be around someone who pretends to always have their life together? Of course not. You’d feel judged and bad about yourself.
Believe it or not, it’s your imperfections that are the most attractive to others. That doesn’t mean you should let your life turn into a hot mess. But hiding your imperfections only cause people to distrust you because they can sense something’s off about you.
You’ve probably interacted with people who make you feel as if they’re just not telling you something, right? So you can see why attempting to hide your imperfections can be subtly off putting.
Don’t be a jerk, but it’s okay to allow your rough edges to show every once in a while.
If you’re too nice, you’ll become a target
Not everyone is as nice as you. But you already know that. It probably bothers you and you may even think that the world would be a better place if everybody was nicer.
If you’re nice and naive, you’re a walking target for someone whose intentions aren’t so pure.
There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice comes from a place of fear and uncertainty about what people think. Being kind comes from a place of strength because you choose to treat others with respect. But you also have boundaries which may offend some people and you’re okay with that.
If you’re too nice, you’re an easy target for people looking to take advantage of your people-pleasing nature. If you say “yes” to every request because you feel obligated to be nice, people will take advantage of you.
You might say, “Well if someone takes advantage of me that’s on them.” But if it were your child or significant other would you want them to be so nice that people take advantage of them? I doubt it.
If you’re too nice, you’ll frustrate the people you love
If you’re too nice, you probably want to make everybody happy. You live by the belief that if you can keep everything smooth and not upset anyone, everyone will like you and approve of you.
It’s especially true with the people you love.
If someone asks you where you want to go for dinner, you always say “It doesn’t matter to me, whatever you want is fine.” If you’re faced with a decision, you defer to the preferences of others and never have a strong opinion about anything.
You’re indecisive and never say what you feel, and this kind of behavior frustrates people around you.
Contrary to what your people-pleasing tendencies want you to believe, people who care about you really do want your opinion. You think you’re respecting what the other person wants, but people don’t like you more because you always let them choose.
Honestly, your indecisiveness frustrates the people who are close to you.
It’s okay to ask for what you want, give your opinion, or voice disagreement.
If you’re too nice, people will ignore you
At the heart of all your people-pleasing is the desire to gain the approval of others. If you’re too nice, you don’t do things to draw attention to yourself.
If you’re too afraid to put yourself out there, you’ll never take risks. If you never take risks, you won’t do much worth recognizing.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking people are more concerned with what you do with your life than they are with theirs. If you try and fail, people will barely notice. You’ll beat yourself up much more than anyone else ever will.
A lot of people who are too nice struggle with making a strong impression. You don’t want to leave a bad taste, but you’re also afraid of the spotlight. Do you see how these two fears keep you from achieving anything?
There’s an old marketing adage, “Love me or hate me, there’s no money in the middle.” The same thing is true about your life. You can’t have a very meaningful life if the only impression you create is indifference.
If you’re too nice, you’ll become angry and resentful
Do you struggle with feelings of low self-worth or depression?
If you try to please other people all the time and never please yourself, you’ll eventually resent others who don’t make an effort to meet your needs.
You have wants and needs just like everyone else. If you always suppress your desires, you will resent people for not meeting them. Let me explain.
People who are too nice often expect others to meet their needs without their having to ask. Have you ever gotten angry at someone because they didn’t do what you wanted? You need to get comfortable being more selfish.
I know that makes you uncomfortable because you equate being selfish with being bad. But selfishness doesn’t have to mean that you only think of yourself without considering others.
It’s okay to think about yourself and your wants.
Final thoughts
Being too nice comes from a desire to please others at the expense of your own needs and desires.
It may sound noble and even desirable, but it comes at the expense of your happiness. So should you just start being a jerk? Hardly.
As Dr. Gazipura says, “The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct, honest, and truthful.”
Notice, the opposite of being too nice isn’t becoming a jerk. It’s learning your needs, desires, and opinions are worthy of expression.
You’ll never be able to control others’ opinions or perceptions of you. It’s better to treat others with kindness and respect than try to make everyone like you.