5 Unpopular Opinions About Romantic Relationships from a Man
You might understand your partner, but do you understand the relationship?
I am a man and I like being in a committed relationship. I enjoy being committed to one person and in turn passing on the other thousands of beautiful and amazing women I meet.
I know it’s cool being single because you can (theoretically) sleep with anyone you want — sometimes multiple people within the same day! Plus a no commitments, free-floating, do what you want kinda lifestyle.
Actually, I encourage you, men and women alike, to sleep around as much as you wish. Have fun, explore your sexuality, enjoy the single life. Bang your brains out.
However, there comes a point in every man’s life in which he should ask himself if that is what he wants to do forever. (I am addressing my fellow men here because in my experience, this realization comes quite naturally to most women.)
Because ultimately, how much of a man you are is not measured by how many girls (or guys) screamed your name into your pillows, but by how much you are able to have a functioning, meaningful and mutually beneficial romantic relationship with another human being.
It’s defined by how able you are to say “I am committed to this person and I know that I am missing out on others. But that is okay because I don’t want to have more and more, but build more with what I have.”
I have always been a relationship guy and even during my single years, I enjoyed long-term friends with benefits much more than quick flings.
From a couple of months to multiple years, from seeing each other five times a week to a long-distance relationship, from smooth sailing to flying high and crashing hard, I’ve had it.
If I look back onto my past relationships, even though they were very different in their nature, one overarching theme emerges from all of them. There was this one simple thing I overlooked and which would have made each and every relationship I ever had so much easier.
See, what I did wrong was that I focused so much on understanding how my partner and how I worked that I never stopped to ask myself how a relationship actually works. And from how unpopular my opinions are, chances are that you have never done so as well.
Why are they unpopular? Because they hurt. Because the advice isn’t easy to implement. Because they are the truth. Because people want to hear that you just need to find your special someone and somehow, magically, shit will work out.
Yeah, good luck with that.
1) Have your shit together as a single before you jump into a relationship
First things first. This is pretty obvious but if I had to name the most violated piece of relationship advice, it would be this. The purpose of a relationship is not to get your life sorted out, but to enjoy a great life together with someone else who also has a great life.
Think about it this way: You want to be with someone because you truly want to be with them — not because they are an emotional crutch that distracts you from your shitty life.
I often hear a lot of my single guy friends say “if only I had a girlfriend I’d be so much happier”. No. That’s not how this shit works. A functioning relationship requires constant effort, it comes with commitments and responsibilities and if you don’t even have your own life in order, how the fuck are you supposed to deal with something on top?!
Plus, you attract what you are. If your life is a mess, chances are you will attract someone whose life is a bit of a problematic case as well.
2) You — and nobody else! — are responsible
Whatever happens in your relationship — doesn’t matter if your partner proposes or cheats on you — you are responsible. Now, before you pull out the pitchforks, let me explain.
There is a very clear distinction that has to be made here. You have to distinguish between fault and responsibility.
Sure, it might not be your fault that your partner starts fights with you, steals your sandwich from the fridge or flakes on date night — but it is your responsibility to decide how to deal with it. By the way, this also works the other way round. It might not be your fault that you had a bad day at work or that Jimmy just invited you to a once in a lifetime pool party. But you are responsible for taking your bad mood out on your partner or ditching them although you had agreed on date night.
Stop putting yourself in the victim role. You are responsible for your life and your relationship, so you decide how you are going to act.
3) You cannot make someone change
And you don’t want to. Ever. Changing someone is what Mark Manson calls a boundary violation. Making someone change means using either manipulation or coercion, both of which will damage the relationship and undermine trust.
Men, have you ever had a woman try to make you ditch your guy friends so you would spend more time with her? And did she do so via arguments or threatening to withdraw sex or break up (coercion)? Or did she do so by sulking, crying or telling you how bad of a boyfriend you are (manipulation)?
Women, have you ever had a man forcing you to break ties with some of your male friends and delete their numbers (coercion)? Or have you had a guy trying to make you lose weight by throwing subtle hints when you are ordering at the restaurant (manipulation)?
How did that work out? Exactly.
But does that mean that we are stuck with our partners and their flaws forever? No. While you can’t make someone change, you can inspire them so they decide to change themselves.
How do you do that?
First, lead by example. If you want your partner to exercise more and become fit, join a gym yourself. Tell them how much fun it is and how much better you feel in your body now (if true) and invite them to experience this with you.
Second, don’t give them answers to their problems. Ask them the right questions so they come up with their own answers. Look, I know it’s tempting to blurt out advice for your partner any chance you get because you care about them and you think you know how to make their life better, so why not? Because no matter how solid your advice is, you can’t force it on someone. They have to discover it themselves. And if you want to help them with this process, ask them the right questions. A simple “Do you think your boss appreciates you and pays you fairly?” goes a lot further than “You have to get a raise or look for another job.”
Third, and most important, if you offer help to someone, do so unconditionally. Tell them that you are there to talk if they need to and if they ask for your advice, give it. But neither expect them to take up on your offer nor be upset when they don’t listen to your advice. You are in no position to give orders to someone on how to live their life — that is their responsibility.
4) Love is a choice, not a feeling
But what about the butterflies, the passion, not being able to take your mind off this one person and the dreams about the steamy sex you two have in a candle-illuminated whirlpool? That’s all cool, but it’s not love. That’s lust or infatuation at best, but not love.
Love is a choice. There comes a point in every relationship when you have to make a decision that involves sacrifices. It might be as simple as sacrificing time for your partner which you would have spent doing something else. Or it might be as complicated as giving emotional support when going through a hard time. Or maybe your partner just isn’t into anal as much as you are. Whatever it is, you have to make a conscious decision about how much you want to sacrifice for your partner. When you two fight, you make a decision to work things out together (or not).
True love evolves and grows over time. With every time you go to hell and back with someone and come out hand in hand, your love grows.
Love involves pain and sacrifice. And that’s what makes it so much better than infatuation: It is not only someone saying “I love you” but “I know all your flaws and sometimes I want to tell you to jump in a lake. But despite all that, I want to be with you and work it out. I love you”. That’s why true love is the most beautiful thing in the world — because it is a choice, not a feeling.
5) Relationship sex > single sex
There are two kinds of experience: Breadth of experience and depth of experience. Both are important and add to your life in their own ways. Sex is no exception to that rule. Sleeping with 50 different partners will give you a breadth of experiences and it can be damn exciting to get frisky and do the horizontal tango with someone you met 20 minutes ago. It’s necessary to see what the world has to offer — you’ll see what is out there and discover things you like.
This is all cool and shit but it’s nothing compared to what you get when you find someone who is a good match for you sexually and then you spend a year exploring each other’s sexualities and building trust. And again, this advice is one specifically aimed at my fellow men: If you invest the time and effort to make a woman feel comfortable, trust you and enjoy the sex with you, if she can really let herself go — it is going to take your fucking socks off.
Relationships need maintenance
Everyone has to live a life that they seem fit for themselves. As such, you have to make your own decisions, so I don’t want to tell you that you have to jump into a relationship because it’s gonna be like snorting fairy dust and popping happy pills all the time.
Relationships require work and effort, romantic ones especially. You can’t just lean back, relax and expect it all to play out on its own.
To do this work, you have to understand the dynamics and underlying principles.
I know all of this sounds a bit scary and overwhelming — you are responsible, but you can’t make someone change and probably you even have to sort out your life first. Ouch.
See, that’s why some of this stuff is unpopular — it’s not easy.
But it will enable you to change the way you see your relationships and how they work out for the better.
~Moreno
