5 Struggles Mentors Need To Face To Become Successful
#2 We fail, and it hurts us much to know that we have to carry those failures as reminders not to repeat such.
Mentoring requires discipline, focus, and the aptitude to foresee a mentee’s weaknesses, and strengths and being able to effectively channel them to create an impact towards achieving a balanced performance in either their social, academic, and personal goals.
It is a stressful process; success is not always straightforward, and there are opportunities for the mentor to learn, as well. Sometimes, we go with the flow, as you slowly start to transition your pace to match theirs.
We are sometimes directly dependent on your resolve if it doesn’t exist — we build it but at times when you are trying to dodge the process, and perhaps you don’t even know it yourself as it becomes a part of your existence, then it becomes a struggle and a tide that we both have to face if we want to survive and succeed.
There are so many struggles a mentor can face when mentoring their mentee’s. It depends on how the mentee comes with their problem. Most problems require modern solutions, and some even need us to change ourselves too, we have to become flexible as well to help you transition into yours. It does seem like a win-win situation, for us as we not only learn and build something new in ourselves but also helps us to build another.
In short, a mentor’s patience is the key to sustaining a mentee’s survival.
The First Struggle
We Struggle with Anxiety and Depression when mentoring our mentee’s, as their problems, insecurities are for us to deal with too — Think of us as a secondary mother.
I’m sure we have all heard about the saying, “With Great power, comes great responsibility.” but what we don’t talk about is that with Great power comes, Great pressure, and struggles to bear that will make or break you, only time will tell.
I have mentored, thousands of students, acquaintances, and people over the years. With each, there has been a certain struggle, a certain desire for a need to meet. Some searching for answers without questions, some yearning to earn fame, money, knowledge without goals. I have perhaps seen most that a mentor sees in a lifetime, in a short span of 7 years.
In these times, I have had my life challenges and my own growth to deal with. Thus, I always saw every struggle as an opportunity to gain more strength and tolerance. Plus, the perks of conquering struggles can be you can learn a million new things, about yourself and the ever rapidly changing world and the people it inhabits.
There have been times, where I have struggled with anxiety and even depression whenever I have either failed a mentee or they have just given up. Perhaps to put it more lightly, they quit. It gives me a severe pump of anxiety, as I am a hyperactive thinker, thus my own thunder becomes my Achilles Heel. It has kept me up at night, trying many ways to solve their problems. At times, it has even eaten away at my health and my well being.
Some mentors are like mothers, we love and care for you and we want you to grow. We are the everlasting companion, who would always talk about you even when we are alone, as you were the one who gave us purpose to weave anew.
So it is practically obvious, that we will fall prey to the demons of anxiety and depression when we can’t fulfil the promises of helping you towards your end. Sometimes things just don’t really fit. I have learned over the years, there is a time where you have let yourself and your mentee search for another measure.
Sometimes, it is better to give it all you can, in their hands and push them in someone else’s direction who can guide them better. Perhaps, maybe it is you who are not destined to solve a problem. Sometimes, it is better to use your network of people to help someone you mentor.
As they can surely come up with something that definitely will fit, where you anxiously couldn’t meet.
The Second Struggle
We fail, and it is something we carry with us forever learning and self reflecting, as a reminder to never fail again, yet we fail yet again and that helps us to improve our mentee’s through our experience.
Surely, this is something obvious — we as mentors fail. That’s how we became who we are today, and it is a thorny road, perhaps it depends on the terrain we tread. There are many tides we have sailed upon, and many barring oceans we have swum. We have been through life’s worst and persevered through it at our best, with gusto.
But every now and then, there comes an individual that whatever we can do, we can’t seem to make things work. Whatever we give them, they keep on insisting to fail even when they can pass. They just miserably fail at it because they aren’t even trying. Perhaps, in my experience, most people who come into this category are the ones who prefer to live in the now and “chillax”.
I would be very blunt here, these people aspire to become famous, rich, and even earn popularity. But they never work for it, they just show it that they have got it all together.
It is one of the many things our youth suffers from nowadays, this false facade that they put up makes it hard for any counsellor and even mentor to deal with. As their delusion has become their reality, and thus whatever we can do, we have to let them fall at the cruel hands of fate only she can adjust their broken screws back into place.
Its only when reality hits you that you know where you stand.
That is needed for these individuals, though these are probably one of those people that are dearly remembered by mentors as their failures. Yet they always keep in touch with them, as a support group so that they don’t fall apart. It’s much harder for mentors to see their mentee’s broken and damaged but there are times when a fellow should learn to pick up themself, and that is what this is.
Failure happens, it helps us to journal and categories all the performance metrics I usually keep written. As I keep on monitoring their performance even after I stop mentoring them. It is evident, to journal your failures even when they are long gone.
Sometimes, even in the time, you can learn of an opportunity that will help them succeed, as everybody has their own time — and it will come if you wait and keep putting the effort in by trusting the process.
The Third Struggle
We give up on mentees, as sometimes our patience does run out. And we have to recollect on other mentee’s as sometimes some people should learn to pick up themselves, without support.
As I previously stated, sometimes some mentees can be a handful. They might be the best of lads, or ladies for that matter. They might even character flaws, perceptions, and attitudes that might make it hard for them to move forward in the process. But that is what we mentors are for, to change or more specifically administer change through companionship, counselling, and caring.
There have been many, I would say — I remember all their names and their delinquent nature. Though some of them, didn’t actually want to be mentored, to them I have given the freedom to whatever they want to do. They usually do just that, but with a condition that they have to come back whenever they do, with questions, that I would love to answer.
Now you can fairly imagine what kind of questions, would they write when they come back. Though I’m not going to write them here, as perhaps it is more of a satire, and very slangish in nature. But the crux of what I would usually get is, like talking the lewdest things that you can imagine, they would ask me those questions.
And well I would answer, but I would also kind of humiliate, as humility does teach you a few lessons, I would even humiliate myself so that they don’t feel too bad, and I would always end our discussion with something to conclude with.
Most of these people, never really came back as they were too focused on something that was like an addiction to them. And they weren’t concerned for idle sessions with a mentor, let’s be honest. We all have been a counsellor for many. There are some, that we have tried to connect with. There are some we have always loved, and There are those that we can’t but dislike — hate no pun intended.
But overall, we have to give up on someone, sometimes. They won’t realize what they lose unless you leave them to their own devices. Time is a fickle thing, and it does teach anyone who doesn’t value it.
When those sweet years go by, and your turn your mid-twenties chances are you’d be wondering whether you should have just stayed, or asked to be coached. But I do coach the ones I give up on, it’s just that I can’t spare my in-person time with them.
I cannot arrange meetings, or go to cafes, in this COVID-19 scenario, I cannot go anywhere for that matter. I do keep connected with them, as a friend. But I don’t put that much effort as I used to when I was a mentor to them. Because my well being will come as a cost to tolerate their insignificant behaviours that would damage the both of us.
And I certainly can’t put other people on the line and myself for that, in that I give up on these people. So do many mentors after going through even years, some people just don’t show progress, and there is a time, that you have to part ways.
I give up on people, for another reason when they try to blame everything on me. They never put in the effort, even after a consultation. They never go back home open things up, and just come up for the show with nothing. When they fail, who do they blame first?
Well, it’s easy they blame me! In these times, when I see such privileged attitudes, I definitely verbally thrash them with a good lesson on life, it’s the most subtle that you can see that I do, without any cussing or even islands.
It’s loud but they listen, and it’s courteous — so they feel ashamed for what they did, and then I give up on them. They come with nothing, and they leave with something.
Even in the end, I give them a lesson or two, that always burns into their memory to never do such a thing, and in most cases, they don’t, well some do but we can’t change unless they want to change themselves.
The Fourth Struggle
Should we do it, by that I mean mentoring for free or we should get paid for it? or is it a charitable cause, as you’re giving your time, should you charge for the time spent or should you do it for kindness?
Well, this is probably the hardest, struggle we all face. I know some charge first and work later. Though there’s everything wrong with that, as there’s no credibility, plus you might be a con artist, as the industry that has just begun around mentoring is filled with con artists, perhaps they even at times become good mentors, after experiencing failures. But the latter is just the same.
It solely depends on the region, where you are from. It depends on a variety of factors. Some people get equity at times, I have seen a few folks who get to take a chunk of the credit when their mentees, start blossoming.
And I see others who charge handsome amounts of money, and they give the same advice you could search from google; if you actually knew what to search and where to search, had patience and resilience. But those are qualities that you might lack perhaps. So it’s hard for people to generally do just that.
That’s how guidance works, This is what counsellors, mentors, are for. Sometimes both are the same person and more. I would like to divide this into two separate sections so that I may be able to address both issues to the best of my abilities, and experience.
1. Should we do it for free, or charity!?
The first thing I would like to state a few questions to supplement my answers.
Why should we do it for free? When and where should we do it and don’t?
Well, it depends on the person whether they can afford the consultation, or it’s their dire need. It depends on the region where you are from. Plus, it also depends whether you’re a swindler or a saint. I certainly am neither, but I would say that I do it for free but listen, before you jump on me with all the questions. Let me explain, to you what are the reasons why I mostly do what I do.
The simple answer is that I love mentoring! It’s in my blood. Through my vast experience of living life, and I have lived a many in this short span of life that I have lived.
I have come across people, that had nothing and I remember when I had nothing, I still came across people who gave me things of their own, because it is a way of charity, but there is a reason they do it because it is a sign of goodwill and piety. There is a saying, as follows
God Helps Those, who help themself, but perhaps it is time that i help those who really need it, and you can tell the difference from those that need it, and those who don’t, in my fair experience.
Thus, whoever comes to me with a problem 90 per cent of the time, I have a solution or I take the time to put myself in the problem space, and then find a solution for the person who came with a question. I usually have thousands of answers, and I give them all, a bad habit of mine.
I enjoy helping people; it’s a part of my identity. This is why I started mentoring, as a volunteer. Even now, I don’t earn much. There have been times when people have come to with their results and they ask me, “What’s your fee?”
I usually tell them, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” If they insist, I ask them to buy me a snowcone. I like snowcones. It leaves them speechless. Imagine a person who invests their own time and effort into people, supports them, and their fee is no more than a mere ice-cream.
It is a humorous moment as I lick that snowcone. The mentee is bewildered, but they have given me [a moment of joy, something I value, nourishment in return for the “nourishment” of helping them to achieve their goals].
If I am hungry, even a Happy Meal can suffice. Feed me something and I will help you. Most times, I insist on paying for it. It’s just a process to get them talking about themself, and as an analyst, I start connecting the dots.
2. When should we get paid for it?
You shouldn’t do it for free if it is a much harder task that requires funding. For example, there is a person who can’t even properly speak English. Now there are moments where you need resources.
In those moments — the mentee is responsible for acquiring such resources, or pay you so that you can adjust the costs that would take you to submit someone into your program so that they may be able to Speak Fluent English.
It is a very hard task, one that takes years and when it comes to years of work and persistence. You should always compensate for the costs, you deserve it that much.
In those times, you can only take a few people, prodigies perhaps for the free run. But when you’re dealing with a problem space such as this one you shouldn’t do it for free. It doesn’t matter and it never works. And trust me, I have tried many times.
I have had many mentees, over the years that have compensated the costs but I don’t usually take much out of it. Just the 5–10 percent fee, the rest is spent on them. These people, usually become really successful given consistency and persistence. They usually reach good heights with ample measure.
So I can say that surely that people can become more agile, and productive if you put all your time in. Even though, it’s not that much of the day, just a few hours every day every week, every month for a year or two.
In these times, I believe you have to come up with a proper payment plan for the compensation that the mentees are responsible for because you are putting your life, your time on the line for them.
For that, you deserve a round of applause from me and everyone else when you put in the effort and you’re giving your all into the building, nurturing of your mentees.
On the contrary, I could do it for a price if the region had resources, and people could afford it, then I would. But when the resources are scarce, then you have to make do with the determination and will power of the mentee, and your wit. Thus, I would do it for free, and it doesn’t to me either way.
The Fifth Struggle
We feel it hard at times to take credit, for your success even if we made sure to implement and spend all our time supporting, working to make you succeed. or Should we just sit by the sidelines cheering alone, and watch you run to the finish line?
There have been some prodigies that made their own startups, became Entrepreneurs, and even published great research through my process. Some students went abroad to pursue an education in great universities, for their bachelor’s, masters, and even post-doctoral programs. Some excelled in their businesses and while many excelled in their lives.
I solve problems, I try it best to push the guy/gal in the right direction. And Soar they go high, up in the sky. But not without a contingency plan, because you never know when you will have a problem with your newly founded success.
I would like to share, something very personal. I don’t usually remember the people I have helped. Sometimes, they just skip my mind, as I help so many people every day, when I am in the open. If I give them my contact or ask for theirs, then they are always remembered. I’m only human, I can forget too. Having Attention Deficit Disorder, it comes with the trademark.
I once ran into a Youngster I mentored for a week or two, He was an aspiring Electrical Engineer aiming to build this gizmo that could change X by Y percent.
But he didn’t know the ins and outs of Entrepreneurship, So I guided him with all the necessary knowledge he needed, he felt really low in self-confidence, I worked there first by analyzing him closely. Then complimenting and fostering friendship and thus carried on from there.
A warm greeting with a smile, a firm handshake and an embrace can work wonders for you, if you know when to make them.
Thus, I was able to supplement all his needs, and I bid my goodbyes shortly after those few sessions. At that moment when I crashed into him. He was with his partner, who was also his investor and cofounder of his Startup. He had just succeeded in winning a competition and securing investment for his Startup to sore newer heights.
Now bear in mind, I was still perplexed who he was. He then started to congratulate me, and hugged me and told his Cofounder and Investor about me. He was fairly overjoyed to meet me too. This confused me even more, to what I had done that I was being treated in such an admirable manner.
He then told me that his Startup that he was working on when he started to talk in detail. I remembered the sessions I had with him after hours at my university campus. And how I had given him the entire cheat sheet on how to win the judges and the investors. As I had been through a few startup failures myself. So I knew what to say when to say it and thus it garnered great results for him at the end of the day.
His Cofounder said he talks about you a lot. After meeting you, I’m glad that he was right to find such an inspiration that just always keeps him motivated to the brink of exhaustion. Perhaps, even while asleep he is still joyous about his work and he said that its the enthusiasm, you showed him that he was able to just amaze everyone with his wit and talent.
Thanking me so much for being there for him when he needed it the most. “You’re truly an awesome man”, He Said. At that moment, my mates were with me. So they basked in my glory too (chuckles).
Afterwards, they persuaded me for lunch in celebration but I encouraged them, that I was with friends and I can’t leave them here, and this victory belongs to themself, as it was their persistence and effort that resulted in this triumph.
I was mainly a traveller that happened to drop some secrets while passing by, nothing more nothing less. They did insist, but I denied with a heavy heart and said my Good-Byes.
I don’t take recognition for their efforts, but when I put my all, I indeed feel a bit entitled to it though I always reconsider and I don’t. I’m sure most mentors would agree where you are also doing the weightlifting.
For example, if the mentee develops the GUI, and I develop the features, then I will take credit for my efforts where they are due.
This seems like an ongoing struggle If I were honest. I neither need praise nor disdain. I’m just a character, who came, who saw decided to intervene, if I was able to solve, I did and then moved along. Perhaps even fostered a friendship, as a bonus.
One of the many reasons, I don’t usually get paid or ask for payment is because it gives me the freedom, no liabilities, and thus I have the utmost authority to leave, whenever I see fit. I do it according to my own accord, which usually not many can do when they are being paid to.
That is one of the many freedoms, a mentor enjoys giving value as they see fit, when they see fit.
I have mentored many pupils who have made very thriving startups. I even helped fellows, while even working on my startup. Their success and mine didn’t but my aim was higher. I was gunning to learn all the ways one can fail so that those who want to reach the stairs of success can.
Though, one startup I believe that I worked I put my heart and soul into, did fail after the long run. But at least it didn’t fail after the commercial launch unlike most that just cause a lot of disaster for everyone who is vested in it.
Final Thoughts
To conclude my anecdote through the experience I have had, I would like to end it with something I would reflect upon through the fulfilling journey I have had that,
A mentor is someone who wills to fail until he learns the will to change — that is where folks magic happens!
And when that happens, he can surely turn anyone onto the straight road of glory but it is a slow and steady process that demands a lot of perseverance, resilience, determination, and resolve to pull through.
That’s why we do the weight lifting for you, with you until the day comes when you walk out that door, and Success waits smiling welcoming you home, to where you belong.
Stay Blessed and Stay Safe!
With Love ❤️
