5 Traits of Securely Attached Partners
#1 A secure partner gives you all the freedom you need while still making you feel safe.
If you have an insecure attachment style, it can be difficult for you to imagine what a secure relationship feels like.
You’re so used to turbulent relationships and unbalanced friendships that you have no idea what it’s like to experience a connection filled with peace, understanding, and reciprocity.
I get you. I’ve been there.
At the beginning of my relationship with my partner, I was like wait, why are we not fighting/playing mind games? What is going on?
It took me almost a year to let my guard down and realize it was okay to be in a relationship with someone who actually makes me feel safe and accepted.
If you relate to my experience, I hope this article will help you understand how exactly a secure relationship works.
1. A secure partner gives you all the freedom you need while still making you feel safe
In secure relationships, there’s an amazing balance between freedom and safety.
You don’t feel stuck to your partner, nor do you feel trapped by your relationship. In fact, you feel free to explore life and chase your passions because you feel unconditionally supported.
This is what Bowlby (the British psychologist who first created attachment theory) called a secure base: the idea that having someone who comforts you and reassures you is exactly what gives you the confidence to go out into the world and do your thing.
2. A secure partner is aware of their own emotional needs
Awareness of emotional needs is almost an act of rebellion in today’s world. We live in societies that glorify pressure and busyness and disdain everything that’s not in alignment with those standards.
However, securely attached individuals tend to be highly self-aware, which allows them to be conscious of their thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Self-awareness is key to develop strong relationships because once you know what you need to thrive emotionally, it’s much easier to effectively communicate your needs and boundaries to others, including you partner.
For instance, I used to judge myself for needing so much alone time to recharge. Now I recognize this is just one of my emotional needs, and I know I’m a much better company when I respect it.
3. A secure partner is aware of their fears and insecurities and doesn’t project them onto you
It’s normal to build a wall if you’ve been deceived before. It’s normal to have a fear of abandonment if you’ve been abandoned before. The problem is, we usually let these fears take over our lives.
Instead of processing them and moving on, we cling onto them, giving them a power they shouldn’t have. From that point on, we project them onto the people we share our life with.
However, once you’re aware of your fears and you make a conscious effort to heal them, they gradually lose their power — and this is what secure people do. Their baggage no longer disturbs them because they’re aware of it. They know their fear is not real.
4. A secure partner hears you without invalidating your thoughts/emotions
Emotional invalidation is not something we talk about very often, but it’s a real problem and it’s much more common than we think.
Many people have the tendency to deny, shame, minimize or invalidate your feelings:
“Sometimes emotional invalidation is done accidentally by someone who is well-meaning but has a low emotional intelligence or simply isn’t paying attention to your feelings (…) Other times, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences.”
Sharon Martin, in Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse
On the other hand, securely attached people love to hear you and connect with you on a deeper level. They don’t judge you or minimize your experience — they know your feelings are valid just because they are. They respect you and support you in all circumstances, with no resentment involved.
5. A secure partner encourages your self-expression
It can take some time for us to feel confident in our ability to express ourselves, but a secure partner makes it much easier.
At the beginning of my relationship, I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings and emotions because I had spent years stuffing them down and pretending everything was fine. But I soon realized my partner was genuinely interested in my inner world, and I felt safe to share it with him.
Secure people trust themselves. They don’t feel threatened by your emotions, no matter how broken or messed up you think you are.
In fact, they know vulnerability is a strength that will nourish the bond you share. They know how to handle adversity in life and will have no problem giving you the reassurance you need.
Each one of the four attachment styles has its typical traits and characteristics.
Securely attached people are comfortable expressing their emotions openly. They know relationships are based on honesty, respect and emotional closeness.
Essentially, they can depend on their partners and in turn, let their partners rely on them. Isn’t that beautiful?