5 Tips on How to Safely (And Enthusiastically) Participate in a Rape Fantasy

This popular taboo fantasy can be something fun and safe that you and your partner try next in the bedroom.

I was alone in my bedroom.

But he must have known that. He must have known that I’d probably go about my nightly routine without a second thought to making sure the kitchen window was latched.

I didn’t hear him until he was already in my bedroom. I dropped the book I was reading and tried to get to the window, but he was fast. He grabbed my wrists and pushed my face down, and then…

Rape fantasies are a recurring theme in many novels: often a man forces a woman to have sex with him, but then she ends up liking it — and him.

If rape fantasies are so popular, then why are they still controversial?

What is a rape fantasy?

Also termed “rape play,” a rape fantasy involves a person wanting to act out scenarios that involve forced sex, either as the “perpetrator” or the “victim.” Even though this fantasy has “rape” in its name, a rape fantasy must include consent from both partners. There’s no such thing as “consensual” rape, so it is only the imagining of lack of consent that is the turn-on.

At its mildest, a rape play could be that you or your your partner “surprises” the other while they’re in the shower. At its more wild, it could involve a scenario where you or your partner resist being “taken” and are then forcefully tied up.

Is having rape fantasies bad?

In studies done on rape fantasies, having one makes you surprisingly normal, with more than half of the population reporting that they’ve had them. In one study, 61% of female respondents, 54% of men, and 68% of non-binary participants reported having had rape fantasies before.

People may be shamed for having rape fantasies because they “must want to be raped or to rape,” but that ignores the glaring difference between a rape and a rape fantasy, and that is consent.

Rape isn’t about sex. It’s about violence and control. A rape fantasy, on the other hand, is all about sex, where all parties have control and autonomy.

Women are also often told that wanting to rape-play is a result of internalized misogyny. This rhetoric invalidates that a rape fantasy can actually be healing to sexual assault survivors. Many women have discovered that acting out a “rape” where they have control can be a way of rewriting the narrative and taking their power back. It also ignores the fact that women might fantasize about being the “perpetrator,” or that men, found in one study, may also desire to be the “victim.”

If you or your partner are interested in rape play, here are 5 tips to make it the best possible experience.

1. Communicate about boundaries and desires.

If you’re interested in acting out a rape fantasy, it’s best to choose someone you trust and feel safe with. Trying to rape-play requires a lot of communication and consent, so make sure you’ve got someone you’re willing to do that with first.

Next, let them know what kind of scenarios you’re interested in, and what you would and wouldn’t be okay with. These are your sexual boundaries. Also be aware that you may need to compromise on your fantasy. For example, maybe you or your partner is okay with pretending to be a plumber with other things in mind, but not if it involves choking.

Be aware that not everyone is into rape fantasies. If your partner isn’t, explore if it’s something you need to try out or if it’s okay just to keep fantasizing about.

2. Make sure to pick a “safe” word or phrase.

A “safe” word or phrase is the equivalent of saying “stop,” “no,” or “I don’t want to do that.” Since “stop” or “no” may be something that you would say in a rape fantasy, it’s important to choose something that you or your partner probably wouldn’t say during sex, like “shish kebab” or “rising interest rates.”

“Safe” words and phrases help address things that may come up in the moment. For example, you might realize that what was in your head isn’t really translating to what you thought it would be and you don’t like it. Or something may happen that triggers you unexpectedly.

A “safe” word is just another way that both parties can have control and consent.

3. Have a plan.

What are you going to act out? How far are both partners are okay with going? Is choking okay? What about name-calling or tying each other up?

Create a shared plan for what you and your partner would like to do and get out of the experience. Think of this like a movie script. There can be some improv, but it should keep more or less to what you’ve decided in advance.

Having a plan in place can help you both get excited about what’s to come and have some clear expectations for how the event is going to go.

4. Be committed to your role.

Whether you’re playing a burglar or a damsel (or duke) in distress, you’ve got to be committed. Yes, you’re going to feel self-conscious. Yes, you very well may start giggling uncontrollably, BUT if you’re going to try to act out a rape fantasy, you’ve got to be all in.

Do your best to stay in character. Even if your partner falls out laughing, you can help keep you both on track by not breaking character yourself.

Also note that the more in character you go, the more fun you can end up having because you’re either letting yourself totally be under someone else’s control or you’re totally in control of someone else. That can be exhilarating, but you’ll miss out if you don’t let yourself get there.

5. Have a plan for after-care.

Rape fantasies can be very vulnerable for both parties, and a good experience can turn to an awful one if you and your partner don’t make after-care a priority.

After-care involves re-connecting with your partner in a gentle and loving way. You get to just be your selves again instead of whatever roles you were playing. During this time, make sure you both have water or Gatorade. Cuddle, hold each other, talk about what you liked or didn’t like or maybe what you’d like to do next time. If things got a little rough, make sure the partner on the receiving end is okay and if they need anything.

Despite how taboo rape fantasies seem, they’re popular for a reason: it’s fun to let go or to be in control. If you and your partner are both into trying a rape fantasy, it can open the door to a new and exciting level of communication, intimacy, and trust.