Five Tips for Handling Relationship Conflict When Kids Are In Earshot
Avoidance isn’t always the best solution
Relationship conflict is unavoidable. And it’s not always possible to address conflict when children are not present. But it’s also not beneficial for kids to never see their parents having disagreements.
It’s important that kids learn how to handle conflict in healthy ways. And they learn best by observing. The way that conflict is addressed by parents shapes the emotional health of their children.
If kids observe their parents yelling at each other and name-calling, that’s how they will think relationship conflict should be handled. And if kids never see their parents having disagreements, they will still struggle with healthy conflict resolution because they weren’t exposed to relationship conflict.
When I was going through my divorce, my therapist said that the most important factor in the well-being of children was the amicability of the parents. Whether the parents lived together or apart, kids had the best outcomes when their parents were amicable.
The below techniques are helpful ways to amicably resolve conflict whether kids are present or not. But they are especially valuable to use in the presence of children, as it will help them learn healthy conflict resolution.
Stick to the Facts
In healthy arguments, people attack the problem, not each other. Attacks on character or personality traits are not beneficial to resolving conflict. These attacks will quickly put the other person on the defensive.
This means no name-calling. No put-downs. And no use of generalizations like “you always” or “you never.”
Is your partner lying on the couch watching TV while you make dinner and help the kids with homework? Calling them lazy or saying “you never help with anything” is not going to result in a healthy resolution.
Stick with the facts. You are currently trying to make dinner and also help with homework. You need your partner to jump in and help with the homework so you can focus on dinner.
Stay in the Present
This is similar to the above in that you want to focus on the facts, but only on the current facts. Sometimes couples will start fighting about one thing, and the fight becomes an argument about 10 different things that have nothing to do with the current issue.
If you need your partner to help the kids with their homework, it’s not relevant that they were at happy hour last night while you did everything. It’s also not relevant that they’ve spent a lot of money this month and exceeded the budget. Those are separate arguments that need to be addressed separately.
When multiple issues are thrown into an argument, nothing gets resolved. Stick to the facts, but make sure they are the facts surrounding the current conflict.
Keep Emotions In Check
If both partners follow the first two tips, maintaining control over your emotions will be easier. If you eliminate personal attacks and throwing multiple issues around, there will be less to get defensive about, and the arguments will be less heated.
Yelling should be avoided, but maintaining emotional control is about more than yelling. Tone matters. The way words are spoken matters.
This means no sarcasm, no contempt, and no condescension.
If kids consistently see their parents exhibiting high emotional reactivity during arguments, kids will think it’s normal to display high emotional reactivity during arguments. But if kids see their parents having a disagreement while remaining mostly calm, kids will learn that they can disagree with someone without becoming emotionally reactive.
Hold Your Boundaries
People are human and life is stressful. Sometimes even the most calm and collected person can lose their cool. And other times you might have a partner who is unwilling to fight fair.
If kids consistently see one parent attacking the other, while the attacked partner does not stand up for themselves, kids will think this is how relationships should be.
If this is a heterosexual relationship, the kids will learn that in relationships, the man bullies the woman or the woman bullies the man. And it’s likely the kids will end up in a relationship with a similar dynamic.
If your partner is out of line, it is important to stand up for yourself. It’s best to keep it simple, like the following: “It’s not okay to talk to me like that. Let’s discuss this another time when we’re both calm.”
Show the Repair
This was another gem from my therapist. She said that when parents fight, kids need to see the repair. They need to see apologies. They need to see one parent admitting that they did something wrong. They need to see reconciliation between the conflicting parties.
We expect our kids to apologize when they do something wrong, but they often don’t see us apologize when we do something wrong. It’s very meaningful when kids see an adult apologize to another adult, as it’s not something they typically witness.
When kids see adult to adult apologies, they learn that it is okay to admit to being wrong. And they learn you can make mistakes and still be loved. This helps remove the stigma and shame that drives some people to always need to “win” arguments.
Final Thoughts
Healthy conflict resolution is one of the most valuable skills we can teach our kids. We don’t want our kids to be bullies, but we don’t want them to be push-overs either.
Our kids are always learning from us. When we demonstrate healthy conflict resolution through our words and behaviors, we instill these healthy techniques in them.
To recap, using the following five tips will help your kids learn how to amicably resolve conflict:
- Stick to the facts
- Keep it in the present
- Keep emotions in check
- Hold your boundaries
- Show the repair
As a bonus, these tips will not only help your kids, but they will help your relationship, too.